B2_Shadow's picture
B2_Shadow

Where do i start? :(

ok...

before i type a HUGE post (out of the gate), let me start be simply stating that i have found myself in the MOST complicated situation in my life...

Long story short, i have "taken" my 14 year old nephew (wife's side of the family) under my wing because, well, he needed a male role model in his life -- dad is out of the picture (mostly), mom's BF is, well, he is NOT very interested in being a "step dad" and, well, this boy needs someone to help guide him towards adulthood (he has has a few "speed bumps" recently that clearly show he needs a +male in his life!)

anyway, the issue?

well, my wife has been "at odds" with this boys mom for ~3-4 years....

YUP!

i have found myself in between waring sisters! (though really, my wife at her sister)...

:(

i can/will give GREATER detail (if it will help) next time, but well, i pretty much feel as though i have a step son now...
(and my wife hates his mom!)

and i need advice as to how to best "integrate" him into my life (while still being true to my traditional family duties/responsibilities)...

B2_Shadow...



mayamay's picture
mayamay

Can your wife forgive the boy for being the child of this sister? It sounds like the bad blood between your wife and her sister is what is causing the problem.

B2_Shadow's picture
B2_Shadow

Hi...

This story is oh so long and OH so complicated, but yes, my wife has been angry with her sister for ~3-4 years... What this has done is it has put distance between my son (now 11) and her 2 sons (one 14, one 11). Although this always made me sad (because my sister-in-law's sons are my son's only boy cuz. his age that are local), it was (in my view) not my place to FORCE the issue...

however, now that i have come to realize:
1) my nephew NEEDS a +malein his life
2) all the boys have "lost" something due to this tension between the sisters
and
3) things are NOT going to change unless I MAKE THEM...

well, you can see the perdicamint that i am in....

things (at first) were ok, but as the relationship between my nephew an i grew (neither of us thought/expected things to "grow" into what they have!), my wife grew increaslingly difficult (exmaple: she got mad at me when she found out i bought my nephew his first razor and shave cream! i have found out that he had used his MOM's razor!! and NO shave cream -- he cut himself!!). Indeed, his MOM could have/should have realized he needed this stuff, but, by the same token (and from my perspective) he apprecaited ME taking him to get it, just as a girl would appreciate an AUNT taking HER to get what SHE would need when she was 13!!!

We hit a very LOW point a few weeks back... my wife raised her voice at me (when my nephew was around) and, well... it broke my heart to have him now KNOW that there were tensions in my own house because of what i was trying to do for him...

:(

BUT!!! i have to say this...

My wife and i have always had issues that I WANTED resolved (via counseling) and SHE was NEVER interested in going...

this situation with my nephew has FORCED HER (because i was always EAGER to go) to realize that, yes, we need some guidance...

so, we are seeking counseling (we have both gone 2x - joint sessions are soon) and, in the end, if my wife and i GET back on a proper path, well, i will OWE my nephew BIG TIME!!

sure, i'm helping him...

but, in the end, i think he will be helping me (to get my marriage in a place that helps both my wife and i grow as individuals and as a couple)...

however, long term, i still need to strike that PERFECT balance between helping/being there for my nephew and being true to my own family...

--------
other notes about my nephew: His parents got divorced when he was ~7 (his brother was ~5); parents got divorced because Dad realize he was gay (yes!); Mom's BF of ~3 years has NO interest in being a step dad and has said "nasty things" about the Dad in front of my nephew -- my nephew wants NOTHING to do with the BF; Mom often leaves him home alone when she and the brother go to "hang" at BF's house

---------
other notes about my wife and her sister: her sister is a pathological liar (she even lied to me once recently for NO good reason -- i caught her and said "you need help!!") and she had lied to my wife about something involving their brother.... he (the borther) and my wife have never forgiven her (the sister). Indeed, you can HATE the sister, but... please... do NOT let that ANGER get in MY WAY as i try and help this kid.... I'll make mistakes, but they are WITHOUT MALICE! they are made because there is NO PLAY BOOK on how you do this!

:(