very-tired-mum's picture
very-tired-mum

teen daughter acting out and obsessed with boyfriend

someone please help I have a teen daughter who has been dating boy for over a year. A year ago she was the perfect daughter who had colleges all over nation wanting her to attend possible scholarships and all. Now she blew off act deadline, financial aid and all she skips school. Comes home all hours of night and really hates me. Last night after treatening to move out I said go ahead but the car I provided for her stays. She says her personal life is none of my business and she should do as she pleases Well she left and I am in a state of deep depression She takes add meds and I am sure she needs much more They phyciatrist says she is borderline personality which is why she is so obsessed with boyfriend. I feel helpless and feel I have done all I can to help her. She doesnt want my help and she doesnt want to live here.



littlebit57's picture
littlebit57

First how old is she ? if shes a minor then you have to take it by the horns .Cell phone shut it off.Ground her and dont let her tell you what to do.If she insist on staying out and shes older then change the locks.let her go .I know it hurts I had to do the same with mine shes 16 has a boyfriend and can keep him as long as she behaves I talked to the boys parents .IF she gets older and wants to go Ill help her pack.and I tell her so I say I love you but if your in my home you do as you are told.put your foot down hard.and dont back down you are the adult shes the child.You will besurprised how much they behave if you run the show.check for drugs to any found call on her its in her best intrest .She says she hates you now but will love you later and make her go to church.

littlebit57's picture
littlebit57

IF shes older let her go .dont let her se you upset younger then she cant move out cause if she gets in trouble They wil come after you .

mayamay's picture
mayamay

You can start building a foundation for a better relationship with her. You can't force it, but you can set it up so that SHE has the option to choose it.
The first thing you can do is set and communicate firm boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. Be clear that the boundaries you set are things you have control over. A quick example is, you can decide what clothes YOU will buy. You probably cannot decide what clothes SHE will wear.

The second thing to do is to keep your own emotions under control. I know you are afraid for her, and maybe you are a little bit afraid of her. This is what sets you up so that she makes you angry. When you are angry, try to figure out what you are afraid of. You may be afraid because of physical danger, you may be afraid of losing other peoples' good opinion, you may be afraid that you will lose custody of your child, you may be afraid that she will harm herself.
After you know what you are afraid of, do what you can to take care of that fear.

Most grown-ups know that children make their own choices. If you are behaving respectfully toward your daughter, you need not be afraid that others will judge you harshly. They have their own problems.

The third thing is to be respectful toward your daughter. Be sure to treat her with common courtesy, greet her when you see her in the morning, or when she returns from somewhere. When you give her assignments, say please. Excuse yourself when needed, apologize when needed, say thank you often. I heard somewhere that being respectful toward someone is NOT about your opinion of them, it is about your opinion of yourself. YOU are full of respect when you behave with respect.

The fourth thing is to help your daughter. Some project that SHE is engaged with, ask her what you can do to help.

None of these things will fix your daughter. It sounds like she has a mental illness which does not usually respond to treatment. What these things will do is help you. If an effective treatment for her illness is developed, she will repair her relationship with you more quickly because you have been respectful of yourself and of her. If no treatment is ever effective, you will still know that you have done your best to be a good mom.

Grandmommy's picture
Grandmommy

Everthing from hating mom, to it's none of your business is the same line all over the world for every teen at risk. Any counselor will give the advise of just what they see on the outside of the real issue not seen. It takes both to experience on a day to day to see what goes on exactly at home. Running a single parenting home alone is a major challenge but I did do just that by putting my feet down. It got more worse and it way out of control. I felt that my daughter has gone completely hesterical which gave me no choice but to call the cops which I did. She has been through all the programs a mother can seem to imagine by all of the resources avaialable. But there is the thing every mother will over look if they are not patient. Listen, Listen and do more listening. She still recieves counseling and all the support she can get. But mom's please know that what your doing is completely normal. I thought I wasn't until other mother shared the same types of problems about their teen age girls. This unexpected sudden behavior told me only two major causes. 1. A boy is involved 2. Drugs or Alcohol is the cause of this violent behavior. Well in knowing that said by my daugther I still did not give up trying. It hurts, we cry because we are loosing grip and no longer feel strong to cope. After by passing almost 8 months with this problem. My daugther sees that she only caused more problems and now is feeling bad. I used to argue and what I have learned is that she meant no harm in being that way she only sees that I am not listening to what she is actually trying to say. After being more open to meet her half way. Things began to change in her attitude. The counseling helped her get off the fact that bad peer pressure through influence only made things worse for her. She was juvenille that could not control her anger but because of the substance abuse that was going on without my knowledge. She opened up freely to tell me everything. She now continues to keep up with her studies, and never liked missing school. She has excellent academic grades ever since she was in Kindergarten. What I had with me was a child that needed challenging because boredom was always her main complaint. Even after knowing I work hard and struggle everyday with family finances, I had to take the time and talk. This helped me over come those fears of loosing her. Even if they tell you they are pregnant which this is what also happen we have to meet both partners including the parents to come together and discuss ways to release the pressures since they are still attending school. Been there done that and for me I think we are tested and far more being challenged to the test. If you feel like giving up. That to my opinion will destroy how things will fall in the future with your children. This type of causes only makes parenting always a concern because back in our time, this was not an issue. We either got the belt, privelages taken away or anything that our children loved the most. They hated that. But even by demanding it or reasoning, kids will do it anyway. Thank goodness now we can talk but there is still so much planning to deal with so long they are still living under our own roof.