Jenni's picture
Jenni

why so hard

Why is it so hard for everyone to be happy.  I know the kids  have to adjust and the adults have to, but seriously I wish the kids would treat me as nice as they do other adults.  I'm not the one that made their mom leave their dad, because she cheated on him.  I'm not to blaim for any of that.  When I was first in their lives they loved me.  It was great we had fun.  NOw that they are 15 and 12 (daughter and son) they act like it's my job to clean house, cook dinner, and pick up after them.  They can't even talk to me like I'm in the room.  They ask their father what is for dinner, when they know i cook it!  He even tells them that but the next night they do it again.  They have to start every sentence with Dad, like I can't listen to what they are going to say.  Why does it have to be so hard.  People say, o they will apprecaite you whe they get older, but the older they get the worse it gets.  They apprecaited me more when they were little.  Why is it hard. And it makes it hard on me and the husband.  However, he sees it, so he isn't blind and he apoligizes for them, but he shouldn't.  And we agree that we come first , because in 6 years when they are out of the house we will still have each other.  Thanks had to vent a little.  Does anyone else feel the same?



wantan's picture
wantan

omgoodness, YES!!!!  the difference here, I guess, is that my husband will sometimes defend them, and sometimes ignore it all together.  he always tells me he loves me, but also tells me they are kids.  divdivI'm getting worn out by the 12 yr old!  I don't know how I will act when I see her again on monday after she's told me she hates me, that I am a 3  yr old and that I should just leave and go back to ny.  her dad told her he was proud of her for saying so, told her he loves her and hugged her.  He didn't come talk to me until he saw me taking suit cases out - at the time I wanted to go and spend time with my family. divdivI wish I had the answers.  I wish I knew what to do and how to do it. I agree with all you're venting about, and just don't understand.  yes, we're the ones that are there for them - constants in their young lives. yet, we mind as well not exist.  divdivSIX YEARS.. here's to that my friend.

Jenni's picture
Jenni

divdivSIX YEARS??? What is this short for??  I'm a dumbie


Yeah.. they can be mean, and sometimes i wonder if they are doing it on purpose or just defedding themselves.  My 15yr now, 14 at time told me she didn't want me in her life!  Said this in front of her dad, her mom, her step-dad.  It was so hurtfull.  The thing is I know I'm adult, but I can't let hurtfull things like that go, and WE should that is how we grow stronger and move on, by letting go.  So WE Both need to let go, because hang on to it isn't helping the relationsip with the kids, OR with your husbands!!  We can let go, lets do it together.

wantan's picture
wantan

I wish I could Jenni!  You are right, by letting go we set an example to the kids, that their really meaningless words won't and can't hurt us. divFact is, I know the kids are having more issues than you and I combined.  But you know, I can't find a way now to stop hearing and watching her in my head.... and more so, can't get rid of the way my husband reacted.  in fact, we just got in to an argument a few minutes ago because I asked him to explain to me why he reacted the way he did - that I just want to understand.  he defended her - "she's just a teenager".  true to some extent.  I am so clueless as to how to be now.  when I think about it, I start to cry.  What I meant about the six years is, in six years the kids will be in college [well in my case, we can only hope they even graduate h.s.]  I don't know how to let go, how to not feel the anxiety, how to just go about my life.  I've given my life to all of them, and lost something in the process.  now I don't know how to take myself back without feeling like I'm turning my back on them.  what's your secret?

Jenni's picture
Jenni


OMG!!!!  I am so glad to hear you talk like this!  SOrry, but I am.  I thought I was the only one!!  We are on the 6 year plan too!  Oh my.. some of what you said is EXACTLY what I think, like word 4 word!I don't know how to let go either, but I know i should, how to do it I don't know.I don't know how not to feel the anxiety either, sometimes I don't even want to go home!  If I don't go home, I don't have to deal with the drama, the attitude or my own anxiety about it all.  The only difference is right now between you and I is, that my husband is supportive he sees what his daughter does (the son 12-is for most part good), he sees how she is, and the thing is she is that way to her own father!  He is nasty to him and all.  I'm sure you know what I mean without me having to say it.  At least she talks to him like a person, she doesn't even see me in the room.  O it's nice to hear from someone like you.  About yourhusband...... He should be more supportive and undertanding.  Talk to him, can you....He needs to see that all of this is the hardest on you!  You are in the middle and he needs to defeand you, you to have the lifetime together!  YOu all should come first before the kids!  Hang in there.

wantan's picture
wantan

he tells me not to dwell on it.  

wantan's picture
wantan

sorry jenni for being so short in my last email.  I am just real aggravated/frustrated right now.  my husband and I are now totally arguing about this and it's really [filtered word]ing me off.  excuse my language!  we are partners, except when issues arise with his kids. but I know he is looking forward to the six year plan - I know he is looking forward to not dealing and just enjoying our time together. but will they ever 'not deal'?  I don't want to look at his daughter next week, let alone cook for her, pick her up, do this and that... all the while not having an attitude.  I've never been treated or disrespected this way except by my ex husband, who is my EX, and he's supposedly an adult.  omg I am so fired up right now.  yes, yes, my husband tells me to believe in our foundation and how special it is.  that is true, but between his ex and his kids, I'm one rubber band.  I need to get out of the house, get a full time job - but knowing me that will be riddled with knowing that I'm not taking care of everyone here, I won't be driving the kids around, not doing this and that... and it will mean more stress on my husband.  I feel like I took that for myself, away from him when we got together, and now I'm like WOW!  I don't tell anyone about this because I know what my friends/family will tell me.  so I found this great site to vent.  yes, we need to learn how to let go.  I don't know where to even start on that one.  I've given them so much I don't know how to take it away, and if I leave it as is they will continue to take advantage.  heck my mother in law said they were going over me like a steam roller and have been from day one. oh joy.  wasn't until the 12 yr olds outburst sunday night that I finally am at a point of ????   well you hang in there and vent away to me, because you're not alone, and you're wonderful.  t

Jenni's picture
Jenni

I know how u feel, my husbands ex is a mess.. and she actually as bad as her daughter, like mother like daughter.  She matipulates the kids and then buys there love and then still calls MY husband and cries on his shoulder about her marriage or life. OOOo.. don't get me started.  So how many kids are there in this family?  I have 2 step children, and we do not have any of our own.. and don't want any either.  We want that 6 year plan to be here as fast as possible.  How often do you have the kids?  What is the schedule?  We have them during school year and then they go 2 her on breaks and some weekends.  I know what you mean about taking care of them you don't want to for them, trust me I understand, I DO IT FOR MY HUSABND... and that is the only reason.  I do it for him, to help his stress and pain.  He has to deal with the ex and the the evil daughter so... I try to help.  Does your honey get along with his ex??

wantan's picture
wantan

ahh, you know, reading your comments helps me put it all into perspective again.  thanks!  I do it for him, and look forward to our weeks alone and our future together once they need to go and figure it out for themselves.  wow. so here goes: his ex is a beyond what I can describe on here.  I can't stand her and she alone gives me tremendous anxiety.  my husband hates her, always has... but they share three daughters.  she tricked him 17 yrs ago to keep him.  basically in a nut shell, he was in the navy.  she was being abusive and bi-polar so he sent her home only to want an annullment. she told him she was on birth control. guess what!  uh huh, along came the first one who is now 16.  he stayed for 15 yrs.  finally he recognized it was his life or death.  she was unbelievably abusive to all of them - the middle one [now 14] traumatized to this day.  they all have scars.  he took photos, but at the time couldn't take them away from the mom... guilt. he divorced her, and held that over her head to behave, made her go to anger management classes and she was diagnosed with bi-polar so was medicated. he also used that for her not to go for the jugular in the divorce.  however, he still pays her way more than the state/court wants him too.  now he regrets not calling child services or the police. but.. the girls have forgiven their mom and defend her tooth and nail.  I exclude the older one who is 16 - she is as good as one can ask for, especially at that age.  the 14 and 12 are spoiled, disrespectful, manipulative, manipulative, manipulative - oh I forgot, manipulative.  they lie, exaggerate, are sneaky, deceitful and know how to play the game.  the younger one is the worst - from allllll combined, but I can't say I haven't had issues with the 14 yr. old.  the "baby" as she likes to be treated loves to fight, creates drama like I've never experienced, she would beat up her teachers if she could, shes constantly fighting with her friends, she goes around acting tough and talks ghetto, besides the fact that the 12 and 14 enjoy exposing themselves.  myspace -wow, the way they disrespect their dad, wow!  I would never tolerate that of my children, heck they wouldn't even know the behaviors these two exhibit.  but, they are my husbands children and he does find the need to 1. ignore it, hoping it will just go away, work itself out, and 2. defend them as "kids" and not knowing better.  to this day he also protects me from his ex, or vice versa.  he also gives in to her, acts all phony and nice and that aggravates me!  but he says that is to protect the girls because if he tells her how he really feels she will get angry and he knows what that leads to.  basically, he is afraid of her.  I don't know... it all seems so warped, but it's all so real.  there is only one thing we've ever fought over, and that's his ex and youngest daughter - as we are right now.  I hate it, I hate arguing with him, but I don't want to feel resentment so I try to understand. we don't understand and get frustrated and conversations become more defensive than anything else.  that is basically what's going on here. my mistake, when I moved in I tried to take all of his stress away and take care of the girls 100%.  I am literally at their beckon call, and they know it.  my mistake. and now????  I've really enjoyed, as crazy as that sounds, 'talking' to you. thank you jenni!!!  

wantan's picture
wantan

forgot to answer your question: we have them one week, and then they go to their moms for one week.  holidays are split, although she always thinks it's her turn.  in my opinion, she's babying them now, feeding in to their every whim because she is feeling guilty for her past actions. she talks baby talk to them, lets them sleep with her, gives in to them and lets them decide all the time... and I think it's just her guilt, if she even knows the word.  hard part is, that makes dad the bad guy alllllllll the time, and he takes it.  she/her family provides nothing positive, but the younger two emulate her, respect and look up to her for being "so strong and having so much guts".  oh please!divlike I said, it's so hard for me to relate because I have a much different upbringing and come from a different place.  their behaviors are just foreign to me.  so I need to keep reminding myself and remembering why I'm here: for him and our future.  

Jenni's picture
Jenni


Again, unreal the charterists we have in common!  the Ex, and then for you the baby and 14yr old, and me the 15 yr old daughter, like I said some issues with the 12 yr boyt but NOTHING like the girl.  My husand does to try to igorne the issues.... more of not wanting to talk to the ex about issues.. he sees issues with daughter and he igornes more than I would like, but then again some you have to I think.  We have got to pick our battles!  Pick the ones with the kids, the ex or the husband.  They aren't all worth it.  When we got married the kids lived with her, and came to us every other weekend and school breaks.  But now for the past 2 years they have been with us... the boy came first starting 4th gr with us then the girl came the next summer... they were both to come, but mom talked the girl to stay with her, the mom needed her, she leaned on her daughter.  So daughter came in 8th grade.  So having them full time is a new thing for me, and it;s almost like starting over!  Things were good between me, husband and kids when they were with mom.  although we did have a few problems like the daughter at 8/9 straching me and kicking me... that night at midnight she was shipped to her mom, my husband would not tolorat that.  :)  thank goodness.  Anyways.. so now it is hard to adjust to them, even after 2 years, being around all the time, taking them places, but they ask dad, and then when dad says he can't they say "Well, tell "jenni" to do it then."  oOOOO  that has sent my husband a couple of times, They are disrecpectable to me and their dad, Again mostly daughter.  But anyways... it's kinda of a new thing to start being full time step-mom.  But, pick your battles and do it for your husband.  Do it for him, and think of this too, you don't want him to fight every battle, because he will come out more wounded everytime and soon he will come out in no shape to fight at all.  Pick the ones you want him to fight, but you don't want him to fight them all.  If he does he will be more wounded then than he was when this all started.  You want to help make him stronger, and he to is to help make you stronger.  Hope it makes some sense, take care. And I have enjoyed the conversation truely.  Thanks.  Jenni