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Discussion Title: Stepfamily burnout
Created by: moaab
Created on: Tue, 08/04/2009 - 2:53pm.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. He has three kids from his first marriage (20, 18, 16). I have two from mine (12, 10). We recently had our first "ours", a baby girl born in May 2009.

When my husband and I were first married, we didn't have a lot of money. Both of us had had to give a lot in our divorces, so weren't well off by any means. We were happy though.

Since then, we've both gotten very good jobs and make good money. We have recently moved into a bigger house, in a nice neighborhood.

When we lived in our little "shack", my husband told his kids that they could come and live with us at any time. None wanted to. We moved into our current home, and within a month, all three asked to move in. It didn't work out with the older two (finishing high school, starting college), but his 15-year-old son (at the time) moved in with us.

I am having a hard time not feeling bitter about him moving in as soon as his dad had a nice house and cool "toys". He shows no respect to either me, his dad, or my kids. He is spoiled and entitled. He is used to our house being the vacation house because, until moving in, had only visited during holiday or summer breaks. So, he doesn't like having responsibility or jobs.

Help. I'm really struggling with the situation. :(

Author: acitez
Replied: 8/6/2009 3:02pm.

I appreciate that you chose to make sacrifices in order to make the family function well in what you call your little "shack". Do you think it would have been easier to adjust to even more children in the house when it was so small?

This boy is 15, an age when a relationship with a father figure is very important. Also his relationship has been destabilized again with the addition of the "our" baby. I'd pick one thing that would improve the situation that I had control over and work on that. Maybe starting the day with a "Good morning, Paul." or whatever his name is. Or turning your attention to him however briefly when he enters the room. You make him feel valued, it will be more likely that he will value you.

It isn't that I think the situation is your fault, it is that I think the situation is serious, you need to do something, and you only have control over yourself.