mistyhorse21's picture
mistyhorse21

stepdaughter making me insane

 My husband has a 17 yr old daughter who moved in with us when she was 12yrs old. I have tried my best to help her, be there when her mom isn't and help her but I know I am at the breaking point. She is cruel to me, lies about me, coniving, disrespectful, snippy even in front of her dad because he won't do anything. When I confront him he says he wasn't paying attention when I know he was. Her dad and her text when they are in the same room and won't tell me what was said. Messages erased after they are done. Her dad believes her over me even when he finds out the truth later. I feel that if I don't move out or go get some stress pills my health will suffer horribly and I can't afford that right now because I am raising a 7 month old baby. I used to be a very quiet person, reserved, but anymore I am emotional, anger built up. I think it has gone on to long. I have tried talking to him about it, but he says he will try and things never change she is not disciplined and when we are together as a family him and her are secretive like I am their kid and they the adults. it makes me feel very uncomfortable. They try to make me out a idiot and I really feel that I am not. I love him so much but is enough really enough?? Please any help on this would be greatly appreciated.



kb999999's picture
kb999999

Hello Mistyhorse21,

I currently have an 18 yrs-old step-daughter (married her father when she was 12 yrs-old). I hear my own self in your post - it is never easy stepping into other people's lives. From the beginning, my husband and I spoke to both of his girls and explained the situation to them - I know that I am not your mother, but treat me like a friend, treat me with respect and I will treat you the same. My husband and I have always 'stuck-together' and never made bigger decisions without the other. I have never accepted less from my husband and both the girls have always known where I stood. Kids learn very quickly how to 'play-the-game' between their parent and the married spouse (us).You need to speak with your husband asap about your issues ... I agree - this problem has been going on way too long and you have your own child to raise. Counseling is a great option - if your husband will agree. He loves his 'little-girl' and has been running the 'show' since the beginning of your marriage. It is time for you to begin running the show (your own life) ... if your husband respects you, this issue will be dealt with quickly and to your satisfaction! I wish you the best ... I hope that you will read this and begin living a happier life.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

This is really tough because your baby would be the safest if she had a mom and a dad who love each other, who live in the same house.  The more I think of it, the more I think that if it were me, I would just leave, even though that will be a hard thing for you and your baby.  The reason I say that is the lack of respect and caring that your husband shows.  That would not be good for the baby to learn, growing up.  AND DON'T THREATEN TO LEAVE.  just do it.   

lanie's picture
lanie

The relationship you describe between your stepdaughter and  her father is reason enough to take the baby and go.  The man needs to understand that you and he are the team, not he and she. I agree that you don't threaten to go...just do it.  How to leave this man with what you will need is another story.  But it is clear that until he commands his daughter to respect you, it will never happen.  You now see a change in yourself.  You need some counseling and support so that you don't lose so much of yourself before you have a hard time remembering who you are.  My husband and biological daughter had a relationship similar to this.  Your story hit  home for me.  I can empathize and speak from personal experience that until he understood how serious I was about leaving, he went on being our daughter's pal.  My leaving was a huge wake-up call for both of them.  After lots of therapy, I am happy to report, that on most days,...We are all still a happy family.

Bel's picture
Bel

If i were you i'd try family councilling but if they won't join in at least go for yourself. It sounds like everyone is adjusting still. Your step-daughter may always see you as a threat to her own relationship with her dad. Take a step back and let her dad do more parenting with her for a while. Try being her friend instead and take it from there. I've been in this situation too. Once i became a friend instead it went well. Goodluck.

mistyhorse21's picture
mistyhorse21

I also used the same lines on her. I'm not your mom and in no way do I want to replace her or overstep but in the same aspect I deserve respect from you I told her and you are very right they learn how to play the games especially one against the other. I'm a very soft hearted person and I do admit that it breaks my heart when she disrespects me. I try hard not to care anymore but deep down I do. Yes counseling sounds good, I just hope that he stand behind me after it. If not then I should go my seperate way and not threaten to do it, just do it. My own child will have a mom and dad. I won't will hold it against him its just something that has to be done. Keep a friendship for the childs sake.

I appreciate your replys they helped. :)

mistyhorse21's picture
mistyhorse21

you are right it is always easier said then done. thats how my mom always put it. I always wanted a fairy tale for my daughter. Happy home, mom and dad loving each other unconditionally and things working themselves out. But I guess life has its own way of making our path. Because if it continues like you said my child will grow up in it and who's to say I won't be in the same situation I'm in now with no respect. I am going to try counseling and if it don't work out my only option is to leave.

Thanks for your reply

wantan's picture
wantan

Bel, how do you become a "friend" when there is tension?  My step daughter lies, manipulates, conives, disrespects, does what she wants, she runs to "daddy" who either defends her "because someone has to" or gives in - he is totally inconsistent with his expectations/rules so to say.  She will call him and ask instead of me, even though I am the one who will need to do the driving, etc.  she says good night to him, never me.  she basically walks all over everyone, gets away with it and frustrates the heck out of me because I see this going on.  it's the only thing my husband and I argue about.  I want so much to look at her with respect, treat her with respect and at least be friends, but how?  heck she does the same thing in school with her friends.  how do you ignore it all and just be friends?  I live here too, as do her two sisters.  please advise. thanks.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

  The issue is not the daughter, nor you being a stepmother. The issue is the father and the poor example he is setting for his children. The kids will follow his lead. Until Dad changes, dont expect the kids to change.

wantan's picture
wantan

thanks.  makes sense ... that's another tough road to pave. I know parenting styles can change - I've seen it with my parents who had two generations of kids.  coming from a "dad", I appreciate the response.   

wantan's picture
wantan

... and if Dad doesn't change?  what if he continues to parent the way he has, and continues to ask me to be more understanding?  how can I make this work?  I've lost my sense of humor, am not relaxed but rather stressed. I used to be fun loving and relaxed in my day to day interactions and things have become 'serious' in nature. we both walk on eggshells, are stressed. he tells me how much he loves me, and has hope. he "wants me to look outside the box" and see what he sees. he says it's quite simple but I need to be more understanding. perhaps hearing it from others will make sense to me.  right now I feel almost resentful towards him and I'm not sure if it is me rather than him.

am I making this worse, for all of us?  what am I missing?