Tammy Engle's picture
Tammy Engle

Stepdaughter jealous of me and her fathers relationship and our new child to be!

First I would like to say that I love my stepdaughter! My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and we have dreamed of having a child. I thought that I would never have a child of my own so this is why I have tried so hard with my husbands children. When we were married his children were 10 and 12 years old. They lived with their mother and we had visitation every monday and wednesday from 5 to 7:30 pm and every other weekend and 2 2week periods in the summer. The whole time they lived with her they did nothing but beg to live with us. My stepson came to live with us his junior year and we had some rough patches but for the most part he respected me and treated me like a mother figure and has told me that I helped make him the man he is today. This makes me so proud. My stepdaughter came the next year at the beginning of her sophmore year to live with us. Before she lived with us she and I were like so close like we were best friends and when she was here on visits she would go and do everything with me. But then as soon as she moved here she hated me and let me know it everyday. She seemed very jealous of any and all attention that her dad gave me. It felt like a switch was flipped and I was the enemy. Now my stepson is now almost 21 and is expecting his first child and he treats me as one of his parents. My stepdaughter is now 19 and she moved out back in December because her and her father kinda had it out and of course it had nothing to do with me I stayed out of it but some how she has made it all my fault. We found out in March that I'm pregnant, which was a miracle and a big shock to both me and my husband. I never thought it was possible, but now I will be having my own child. Of course it was a shock to both children. At first my stepson was upset because him and his wife are expecting, but now he seems to be really happy for us. My stepdaughter on the other hand has just found another reason to hate me. No matter what I do she will just not except me in her life and she seems to just try to cause trouble between me and my husband. I feel that other than the daughter issue we have an amazing marriage. Now that I'm expecting he really makes over me and it feels good. We live in a very small house and the most logical nursery is my stepdaughters old room. Which has cause even more problems! I want my child to have its own room and not only that I want to make a nursery for our child because this will be our 1 and only child together! Is it wrong to want this? Maybe I'm being selfish in wanting this! What to do I have no idea!
Simply stressed!

2xstepmom's picture

Oh, step-daughters!!! Just keep being gracious and hope she will come around. If not, it is her loss. Yes, use her "old" room for your new baby. She chose to move on and now you have the right to do so also.

tamz's picture

Your step-daughter is 19 years old, she is grown. Most likely, her's are jealousy issues. Use the room for your new child and try to avoid any confrontation with your step-daughter. If she offers drama just refuse to participate. Just let her know you can't focus on her right now. If she comes in peace then interact with her as gently and respectfully as you can.

Focus your energy on the positive and on your new miracle and let your husband deal with his daughter's jealousy issues. This is a time for you to celebrate - Congratulations!

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

The last thing you need is stress right now w/ a new baby on the way. Take care of yourself. That shld be your top priority. After the baby comes and things settle down a bit, try talking to your step daughter. Try finding out what changed in your relationship, and why she is acting this way. Tell her you love her, and that you will always love her, but that you honestly don't know how to help her if she doesn't open up to you. Maybe it'll help if her dad talks to her as well. It's a shame that you all can't be celebrating together at such a happy time in your lives. Maybe your step daughter just needs some time. Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's something more. Try to be supportive, and include her in all you do. If she chooses to exclude you from her life, so be it.
As for the baby's nursery, you have every right to use your step daughter's old room. If she has a problem w/ this, too bad. She shld be genuinely happy for you. Hopefully in time, she'll come around. Good luck, and best wishes w/ the new baby!

abs's picture

I would just like to reply with I understand I had your out look for several years... after 10 years... she is married to a military officer. They have already started a family and another along the way ... we began to have a closer realtionship for the last 2 years.... now that there was a small blow up that brought back all those times of distance... I am losing my young grandchild and my 17 and 8 yr old are losing a sis, brother, neice and soon to be nephew.... thank twice before you put distance between family even if it takes hard work. Do it for your family they will look up to you in the long run, jus saying

Waterfirefly's picture

you cant take a broken kid syndrome out of the adult no matter how old they are.
Give her time, patience is all i can say.
Having been in a similiar position as her i understand, its nice to know that somewhere in her broken up world there is a little place for her and she feels threatened by the loss. I take it you have a 2br home? if you have a 3br why not use your stepsons room? Can you transform the garage for her?
Age doesnt lessen how she feels, it just makes it harder for you and others to understand her. good luck

kimmie_34's picture
i know this is a late reply i just signed on, but im having the same problem as you are you basically told my story. i have spoken to my step daughter in 3 years. i have also been with my husband for 8 years, and didnt think we could get pregnant, so i spoiled my stepdaughter then she was all happy that we were talking about having a baby and when she found out we were trying she stop talking to us, my stepson is all happy he is now 21 and she is now 17.. she is so mad that we have a baby together, my lil one is now 1 years old and she has never seen her she wrote me on facebook and said she would think about seeing her but she said she doesnt know if she want a relationship with her. i think stepdaughters just want there fathers attention and doesnt want to share. i hopeing one day she will snap out of it but i wont hold my breath.....how are things with you now?
carebear70's picture
I have the same problem with my now, 20 year old stepdaughter. She exhibits strange, jealous behavior, blames me for everything, including stealing her daddy, and we are at our wits end. She constantly makes comments and jealous remarks when her father comes anywhere near me such as, "why are you kissing her, I'm not here?", "why can she call you at work and I can't?" And just last Christmas, in front of his whole family, she said "Why can she sit on your lap and I can't, you just want her sitting on your lap cause she's got bigger boobs!!" Any thoughts or ideas on how to stop this behavior?
mumblebee's picture
None of you seem to have any empathy at all. Sure, you can blame it all on the child/ very young adult, and give your egos a bit of a buff while you're at it (because that's what 'adults' do, isn't it?) You like to think that you're all grown up, but do you ever try and consider your stepchild's feelings, instead of playing the victim? Correct me if I'm wrong, and I could very well be, but it sounds like very few of YOUR parents divorced. Very few of YOUR parents remarried and had other children. I am making these assumptions based on observations that step parents that were step children themselves tend to be a bit kinder, more considerate, because they know what it feels like, and how hard it is to be the debris from your parents' last marriage. The child in the way of the 'happy ending', that your father and step mother so desperately want. You know what? Maybe they are jealous. Everyone gets jealous. We're all humans, we all have flaws.
mumblebee's picture
But you know what else? YOU'RE jealous too. You are the 'adult' in this situation. The one with the power. The one who CHOSE to marry the man with kids, the one who wants a nice, cushy family, the kind that your step daughter will never again know as she grows up. Yes, you'd secretly like her out of your lives, so that he can focus on you and YOUR offspring, and yes, maybe that will even happen as he is simultaneously a grandfather and an old father at the same time. And, to the person who said that she doesn't even ask how her stepdaughter is, I hope you feel good. Very good. Because it's not just her that your spitefulness is affecting, it's her father too.
mumblebee's picture
Sorry, I just get a little peeved when I see grown women acting so petty. And Carebear, I don't think it's jealous to request that you don't make out in front of her :-p I don't like any public displays of affection, much less from my parents. It is weird about the boob comments, though. I'd say the best thing to do is probably ignore her. :-)