jmfongheiser's picture
jmfongheiser

Stepdaughter has unusual feelings for her father

My sixteen and a half year old stepdaughter moved in with us 2 1/2 years ago. After moving in, we started catching her in lies and manipulative behavior. We tried counseling and nothing worked. We battled with this. About four months ago, my husband finally listened to me about the possibility that his daughter had unnatural feelings for him. He confronted her and she admitted that she was in love with him. She further told me that she wanted to have sex with her father and was doing everything she could to get me and her brother out of the house so she could have her father in this sick way. We put her into therapy and ended up having to have her committed to a inpatient hospital for five days due to threats against the family and her running away. Since that time, my husband hasnt been alone with her and he doesnt hug her. I am very uncomfortable and I am having a hard time moving past everything she has said and done. Now the therapist is saying that my husband should start hugging her and start being alone with her. I dont think I can handle those things right now. If anyone has any advice, I would greatly appreaciate it. I just dont want to lose my marriage. My husband has been my best friend for 18 years.



lifeline's picture
lifeline

Get a new counselor. The one you had didnt work out as well as it should have. It should be a man so that she can develop a positive relationship with a male that has clear boundaries for her to follow.

Tay's picture
Tay

I agree with lifeline ain't no telling with this girl is capable of.And you really really need a new therapist.What all have you did to get help for this situation of yours? Have you asked her why she has these strange feelings for her father? Have you asked her anything that can possibly give you sum clues to why she feels like that. And I say get down on your knees and pray to god about this and tell the devil to get out your house and leave your family alone baby cause there isn't a sitution that's too big for God. Do she have any friends that she hang out with or anything?

Valente

jmfongheiser's picture
jmfongheiser

I have prayed to God about all this. I have asked her why she feels this way. She says it is because he makes he feel good and happy. Really everything she says makes her feel this way is how a father acts with his children. My husband has never given her the impression that he would ever feel that way towards her. We have had her in counseling since 4 months after she moved in. She is capable of anything. Last March, she had her and her brother taken by the Department of Family and Children Services because she claimed we beat her and she even put a bruise on her leg to try to convince everyone. DFCS only took them for 72 hours but it was Hell for me and my husband. DFCS found no abuse in our home. We have tried to get help from them and the juvenile justice center and noone can really help. She has friends at school but refuses to do anything away from home. She wants to stay right with us all the time. Its like she is scared to allow me and my husband any time together. She thinks that she can come between us. I want to be able to move past everything that has went on over the last 2 1/2 years but I just cant right now and I am worried that if I dont then I am going to loose my husband.

Tay's picture
Tay

Okayy where's this childs mother and do she know how her daughter is feeling towards her father? So what you are saying this child want answer any of your questions that you ask her. I'm try to put it like im not talking down on your child or anything but have yall went to the doctor to get her tested about this? Cause maybe it's a medical reason behind this that have this child feeling like that for her father. Maybe the physicians can do some research and see what they are able to find out and do give up on her it's not her fault she's like this. How are she in school around others such as her male teachers and have thought about observing her while she's in school to see what's her behavior around boys her own age.

Valente

jmfongheiser's picture
jmfongheiser

My stepdaughter's mother is not in the picture anymore. Her mother isnt a good influence on her and only causes her hurt. As for seeing a doctor, we have. She has had a really good boyfriend since moving in with us but when her father approved of the relationship, she broke up with him. The only other contact with boys is to as she puts it is to make her father jealous. SHe has told us about hanging all over boys and she says she thought it would make her father realize that he wants her like she wants him. We dont talk down to her about this but its really hard to listen to some of the things she says. She doesnt tell her father these things, she tells me and the doctors. She has told me and the doctors that she thinks that we are all wrong that there isnt anything wrong with a father and daughter being together like that.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

I feel for you, having had my ex stepdaughter make untrue molestation accusations against my son in the hopes of having my son removed from our home so she would have more of my ex's time. She eventually got her way as my ex and I divorced as a result of all the chaos. Does your stepdaughter have BPD? If so, you are fighting a losing battle.

Sister83's picture
Sister83

I think the only thing that can help is extensive counseling and therapy. I would bet that your step-daughter has been abused in some way by someone (not saying it was your husband/her father) or has had some other significant psychological trauma.

No matter the age, I think that people know sexual feelings towards their parents are inappropriate. As such, if a person did have these feelings, I think they would typically try to hide them.

The fact that your step-daughter is so up-front and bold about feelings that are seriously taboo in literally every culture in the world probably either means that she: 1) has no sense of right and wrong and/or understanding of social norms and the parent/child relationship; or 2) is trying very desperately to get attention. And, like I said, I wouldn't doubt that there is an underlying mental illness, possibly coupled with some sort of trauma in her past.

Counseling for all of you is important. Reach out to all the resoruces you have. Good luck.

jmfongheiser's picture
jmfongheiser

I know this sounds really bad but at times I feel like she has no soul. She shows no emotions until it will benefit her. She will cry if she thinks it will get her out of trouble or get her fathers attention. We know that she has done alot of stuff for attention but wanting this with her father isnt just attention seeking. To go into the details that she did. She did have alot happen in her past but I dont think that excuses her from everything she has said and done since moving in with us. I dont want to come across like I dont love her because I really do. I use to think I was really lucky because I had known her since she was born. Now I just dont know if I would say that I was lucky or not. I have thought that maybe if I hadnt known her since birth I wouldnt feel so hurt and betrayed. I would like to say thank you to everyone that has posted comments

Sister83's picture
Sister83

Whatever she has in her past doesn't "excuse" her behavior, but maybe it can help "explain" it. If she successfully works on her issues through therapy, over time, this bizzare behavior could decrease or even stop.

What you are describing, I think, is something that might require in-patient care at a psychiatric facility.

Good luck.

xxblizzardofozz's picture
xxblizzardofozz

In my opinion, and I am no counselor here, this sounds a lot like something called an "electra complex" (reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electra_complex) in which a female child has unnatural feelings toward her farther. It is very similar to the Oedipus complex in which it's the son who has unnatural feelings toward their mother.

I agree with everyone else that this sounds like a job for a therapist, but maybe you should find one that specializes in electra complexes. A lot of counselors know about these complexes, but if this girl is going so far as to openly admit her feelings and what she's trying to do, then it sounds like a need for a more specialized therapist.

I also have a small part of me that thinks maybe she's making it all up. 16 is a very difficult age and I believe a lot of kids whack out around 15/16 years old. I know I did. That age is when I put my parents through the most hell. She might have found the most inappropriate behavior she could find, but isn't necessarily willing to be grounded or punished so this is what she came up with.