SCARY's picture
SCARY

STEP DAUGHTER TRAUMA

Two years ago I remet and fell in love with my high-school sweetheart.  A year later, I relocated to a large city, giving up my job, seniority, pension and stability to be with him and his 2 children - a teenage daughter and 12 year old son.  He has had custody for 3 years after the real mother had a breakdown.  He proposed a month before I moved and apparently his daughter helped to pick out the ring.  I am not saying that the relationship with the children was the greatest before I moved but it worsened to the point of exploding.  He is afraid to discipline his children - the mother is constantly bringing him to court for some reason or another - so the children dictate what goes on and when.  We have never been able to carry out our plans without the daughter interfering in one way or the other.  She refuses to do dishes - at first, she was allergic and now admits she doesn't like to put her hands in the water; she doesn't know how to sweep a floor and doesn't wish to learn; her room is a constant pig sty; she will start her laundry on Sunday and it is still on the floor the following Sunday - she is so lazy, she won't even remove her dirty femine napkins from her underwear before she changes (I have found countless washed and dryed pads stuck to the underwear in the dryer).  She is a very selfish and conceited person.  She hangs up on my adult friends when they call, denys it and her father says "I wasn't there - I really do not know what happened".  She will wait until I'm at work to talk to her brother about me and then he ignores me until she says it is OK to talk to me.  The father says nothing as he feels that we have to work things out ourself but I am not allowed to discipline them in any way.  The straw that broke the camels back occured in January when I discovered that used my computer to downloand a contact from a guy from England that she met playing online games.  Needless to say I was furious and told her father that someone downloaded this guy from England and reminded him how dangerous that was.  She admitted to doing it but said it was her friend's cousin - I threatened to bring the computer to the police and then she finally admitted that she met him online.  She then proceeded to tell us that she was not a little girl (15) that she knew him that I was not her mother and that it was none of my business.  I told her when she used my computer she made it my business because not only did she put herself in danger but she also put me and everyone in the house.  Her father told me to mind my own business, to pack my bags and get the #### out in front of both his children - she thought this very amusing and laughed.  Within 3 days I signed a lease and was moved within 16 days.  The father still wants to work things out, hoping that this will blow over - although he has done nothing to discipline her (she did the downloading thing again) because he says "what am I supposed to do".  I do not want to see his children - right now forever.  He is hoping that someday I can move back in.  My thoughts:  can the father or the daughter ever change?  Should I wait around in a strange city to give the relationship a chance?



Auntie Ron's picture
Auntie Ron

Holy hannah, RUN, do not walk! to a counselor.  This girl is in serious trouble, and her dad is responsible.  Until dad steps up to the plate and acts like a parent, there is no hope for this relationship IMHO.  You are not this girl's mother, but you are an adult and as such have a responsibility to ensure that behavior meets certain standards.  And as children who must be cared for, they owe you courtesy and respect.  But if your hubby actualy yelled at you to get out in front of the kids, how can he think that you can work things out?  What he's actually expecting is that you simply endure whatever his kids - and he - dish out.  This will only work out with some intensive therapy, and if hubby won't go, get thee to a lawyer pronto!

SCARY's picture
SCARY

We had tried seeing a counsellor about six months after I moved here and anytime I told the counsellor something negative about his kids - he would lie to the counsellor (he even admitted this to me after we left).  He said he lied because he didn't like the actual counsellor.  He believes that his children should always be #1 but I disagree.  I believe that children should come first when they are need but otherwise your spouse should come first.  Maybe this is where I go wrong.  I realize that his son is a special needs (12 with mentality of 8) and his daughter had never been taught about being clean, but I think that we should be building a new life together.  Maybe I should send him a copy of this post and see what they say?

mommio's picture
mommio

Try another counselor, or 10, until you find the right one.  My step-kids have had many problems, some traumatic like seeing their alocolic mother's heart being shocked when they thought she was dead (my husband was at work and they were home with his ex and she binged, kids were 6,5,3 and 1-1/2 at the time).  The first 3 counselors my step-son saw (started counseling when I came into the picture, I prompted their dad to take them) didn't help him at all.  We finally found one that has been making really good progress. 


You're right, though, in saying that marriage comes first.  It took me a long time to accept that.  I have a daughter from a previous relationship, my husband has custody of his 4 kids from first marriage and together we have a toddler.  It has taken us 3 years to come to accept putting our marriage before the kids.  I always thought my daughter should come first, no matter what, but have realized that the best thing I have to offer her is a secure and loving home environment and that cannot happen without a solid marriage.  We are unified and rooted and that enables us to offer our children, biological and step-kids, the home they need.  You guys need famiy counseling, but the daughter NEEDS counseling too.  She's acting this way for more reasons than just being lazy.  I have a step-son who does nothing but play computer games non-stop and reminds me everyday that I'm not his mother.  What we say back is that even though I'm not his mom, I am the mother in our home and I am making rules along with his dad for his own good.  I'm not there to be his friend, I'm there to love my husband and develop our family the best we can.  As kids get older, their choices have consequences.  She will learn this the hard way.  you need to decide for yourself if you want to be there to help her up when she falls...along side her dad.

Twinkletoes's picture
Twinkletoes

Oh dear, my heart goes out to you!  I had a similar experience with my ex-stepchildren.  Ex?  Yes, because they managed to separate us successfully.  My ex-husband never wanted to know anything about his children.  This despite them being lazy as hell (they are 13 and 16 years old and NEVER helped with chores etc. because they're always tired)!  We have a 17 month old son, and they are so jealous!  My husband never gave me any emotional support where it came to matters with his two kids.  Add an interfering ex-wife (his first wife, I was the second) and you have a recipe for disaster.  The daughter even gossiped on one of these cellphone chatrooms - about everything that went on in our house ... telling what a whicked stepmother I am ... hello!!!  I honestly loved these kids, but unfortunately the father didn't want to discipline them, he had no backbone to stand up against his first wife (I was always put second) and both the kids and the first wife manipulated him like crazy. 


 


At the end of the day ... I filed for divorce.  I'm going through a very rough and emotional time ... but I know that I made the best decision for myself and my little one.

tamz's picture
tamz

It sounds like you want to give him another chance.  I wouldn't ... once he told me to pack my things and get out, i would do just that and not look back.  I've had many relationships over the last 12 years and now that I have experience TRUE love from a man, I can say there is something better out there for you.


 


You deserve respect in your own home and you deserve to feel secure that its not temporary and that it is safe. 


 


Being lonely is easier than being disrespected and insecure.

Jenni's picture
Jenni

Wow!  I understand how the daughter is treating you, my step-daughter does some of the same.  And I've gone throguh fights with my husband on if i'm not involved enough or tell the kids to "do" too much or that I'm making myself the evil step-mom.  But my husband is worth it.  I tell him that WE come firt.  Not the kids... because if WE are happy then it follows into the kids.  So... Try it again!  We are on the 6 year plan!  This means 6 more years of having to put up with the evil ways of both son and daughter, and the evil ways of the ex-wife!  ^ more years.  I can do it.  SOmetimes I wonder why, but I can I love him!!!!!!!

Lizabetta's picture
Lizabetta

I agree with twinkle toe...run, Nothing will change unless you run. If your husband wants you he too has to make changes and that is to put his daughter in place. Otherwise staying will drive you mad. I left with my son now 9. My son is growing up in a healthy environment and the father is by his side but out of all the fights and chaos.

aj's picture
aj

I came on this sight looking for advice but when i read your story i felt i should comment!! What my experience of this is the father will stand by his daughter while she is asking him to choose in the hope that being seen to stand up to you in front of her will make him seem as the GOOD ONE!! he also thinks he can apologise to you in private and that sweetens everyone!! This happened to me on many occasions!! BUT my SD used this to her advantage regularly causing trouble.I have tried to explain to my partner if he has a problem with me it is to be discussed in private. I think your husbands burying his head in the sand and speaking from experience if he doesn't pull it out things will get much worse. One thing I know is that if children think they can play one off against the other then they will!!!

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Please do yourself a BIG favor and get on with your own life without all the drama. It will be difficult, but the best thing you have ever done for yourself.

ladygrace's picture
ladygrace

*she is so lazy, she won't even remove her dirty femine napkins from her underwear before she changes (I have found countless washed and dryed pads stuck to the underwear in the dryer).* AND

*Her father told me to mind my own business, to pack my bags and get the #### out in front of both his children - she thought this very amusing and laughed.* ?!!?!WHAT THE?!!?!

Your stepdaughter is one of the most disgusting, dirty, foul creatures I have ever heard off! Has she no self respect. And your *husband* is no better. If that were me, both he and she and he would have their noses rubbed in those things then daddy could have sat there along with his precious and Scraped her filthy putrid twat jam infested pads off her nasty knickers! ~ think I'm off to be Sick *bolt*