wantan's picture
wantan

step-daughter says she 'hates' me

Please help.  I've been on here before asking for help regarding my 12 yr old step daughter who is truly confused and angry, spoiled and selfish, and completely disrespectful.  I have known for some time, and everyone else around me agrees, that she has issues and needs counseling.  For whatever reason her bio parents haven't felt the need to get her in to counseling, as of yet.  She is the baby of the family with two older sisters.  divdivShe walks around throwing all sorts of attitude, neck moving and finger pointing, face... all ghetto behavior in my opinion.  A few days ago she announced that: "I am an [filtered word] and I like it that way." to her dad.  divdivSo after a year of being  basically at her beckon-call, drop all to go and do for Amelia.... she decides to throw a fit because I asked her, nicely, to go and empty the trash bins from her room.  She does nothing around here to help - I'm basically their maid.  Yeah I know, my fault.  So I ask her to take her trash out [one bucket!] and she just leaves it in the kitchen for me to do.  I make a comment in a raised voice out of frustration - certainly not yelling, and she lashes out:divdiv"You know what, you are acting like a three year old!!!  Let me tell you, no one, NO ONE yells at me except for my mom.  You have no right!!!  I hate you, i have always hated you since you came here.  Why don't you get in your car and drive back to Santa Fe, better yet go back to New York!!  I don't like you and never have."divdivHer dad proceeds to tell her he is proud of her that she finally got that out, because he has known for the last 13 months that she's been walking all over me. However, for the last 13 months she's let me do for her, give to her, buy for her, like I said.. beckon-call.  And she's said time and time again, "love you".  divdivAm I surprised, no... but it was a shocker and hurtful to be yelled at and finger in my face from a 12 yr old.divdivI don't know what to do.  I don't know how to handle this anymore.  They went back to their mom's for this week - we go one week on, one week off.  I don't know that I want to even look at her come monday.  I know she wins if I leave.  I know she needs help.  divdivI should mention, by the way, that the girls mom was extremely abusive to them all, including my husband.  He has photos and regrets to this day not calling child services or the police.  he knew in his heart that all kids need their moms and have a special bond no matter what.  these girls will defend their mom to the hilt!  and they have miscued ideas of the abuse - probably, I would imagine, from the trauma.  but all in all, I am the bad guy, as is the dad.  divdivI have no patience for this girl anymore, but I love her dad.  divdivThanks.



gail's picture
gail

It is safer for her to hate you than it is for her to hate her mom for the abuse, or to hate her dad for allowing it to go on as long as he did, and he still is not insisting on supervised visitation, which he should if the mom is abusive.  So you get to be the lightning rod for the anger that her bio-parents deserve. 


  I think you should take tai chi from a really good instructor, or just learn about it.  It is a martial art with a different philosophy and I am not real good at explaining it, but it is really helpful when you are living with crap that you can't control. 

wantan's picture
wantan

hi gail.  hmm, that's interesting, tai chi!  I always thought that was used more for self defense and for the mind.  what you write about her being angry at me instead of her bio parents makes sense.... she doesn't want to admit she is angry at her bio mom.  it makes more sense to her to blame her teachers, ME, her friends and her dad.  so sad.  I have gotten myself to a place in this past week, without the girls here, of realization that I am here for my husband, our today and our tomorrow.  I can't say that at the time my husband would have ever taken the girls from their bio mom... and quite frankly I don't know that he would now - unless there was more abuse and he had no choice.  he has made some huge admissions to me of late - one being that he was not ready, nor did he want or would have chosen to be a parent, especially when the bio mom got pregnant.  yes, once you commit to 'the act', you take the risk.  he was always under the impression/assumption that she was protecting herself.  she knew she would lose him otherwise, so she took herself off the pill without ever telling my husband.  he was in the navy.  as soon as #3 came along he went ahead and got a vasectomy because she continued to basically be dishonest with him.  I think that is a part of what we deal with, his basically choosing to ignore the issues.  he jumps in when necessary.  when I look in from the outside, as an observer, I think the entire situation is messed up, people playing people - being deceitful and selfish and abusive and poor role models, etc. but I am kinda on the inside.  my husband is a good man.  I have lost myself in this entire process, trying to step in and be all that I can be for the girls, and for my husband - each different roles.  well that doesn't work so easily and in the process I've been taken advantage of.  I need to learn how to take myself back and let the girls learn to be accountable and responsible for their own actions.  I am not looking forward to tomorrow, but I know we'll all be fine in the end and everything that happens inbetween is a learning lesson.  I've become someone I don't like at times..... so I am taking 'me' back and reminding myself why I am here, why I came here and what I am doing here - to love my husband as I know he loves me.  fact is, if I didn't know him I would NEVER want anything to do with someone like his youngest.  I choose not to have people like that in my life.... hahaha, she and her bio mom are in my life by osmosis, so I need to figure it out.  only her bio mom deserves her anger - and she's the only one in her life not getting it.  you see, her bio mom is now, after the divorce, making up for all the times she was so abusive to her daughters.  she is now letting them sleep with her, shop, baby talk, laugh/laugh/laugh, give/give/give.  she wants "to be their friends more than anything".  it is her guilty conscience that is coming out. her younger daughters, 12 and 14, are eating it alllllllllllll up - and so no matter what we are always the bad guys, because we set boundaries and rules and my husband disciplines when necessary and says 'no' and takes cell phones away, etc.  well.. I'm babbling. take care.