SteppinOut's picture
SteppinOut

Some Food for Thought

I dunno if this will help anyone, but these are some of my experiences, hindsights, with remarriage, moving, stepchildren.

We've all heard the saying, "hindsight is 20/20".  Boy, ain't that the truth!   I've made some good decisions, some bad ones, some really boneheaded ones...so if someone can benefit from them, maybe it won't be totally in vain.

My first marriage ended after 16 years.  I married young, I was 'in loooove'.  Seven years later, we had our son.  Two and a half years later, I left.  I was tired of the emotional and verbal abuse, the control...

That woke him up briefly.   He started to church, I had been going alone for a few years, we got counseling.  It never got better.  He never forgave me for leaving, even though he told me to pack my bags and get out. 

Seven years after getting back together,  my parents asked me if I wanted to bring me and my son with them to Branson.  They'd get the room, all I had to pay was my meals and to get in to Silver Dollar City.  The ex didn't take vacations, and I wanted my son to experience Branson as I had as a child.  So I said yes, and it hit the fan.  WE couldn't 'afford' $100 for us to go. (We had a checking AND savings account).  My best friend, who's parents were both deceased, gave me the money.  She said $50 was my bday gift, and the other was a loan, pay it back when I could.  She said you don't know how long you will have them.  We went and I'm so glad we did.Two weeks later my dad died of a heart attack. 

 I felt utterly alone.  I had no support.  My brothers lived in other states, my sister had her own thing going on, and of course I couldn't turn to mom, she needed ME!  They had been married for 51 years, and she was afraid of being alone.  And yet she wasn't welcome in our home, despite the fact they were very helpful in our getting back together.  That was the beginning of the end.  She asked me to be the executor of her will.  His words were: I forbid you.  I did it anyway.

Six months later, he blew up at me.  I hadn't done his birthday supper right.  My son told me he wished his dad would go live somewhere else.  And it hit me, it's not going to change.  I don't want to live like this, and I don't want my son raised in this any more.  I filed for divorce.

About five months later I met my soon to be husband through a mutual friend.  He was also freshly divorced.  We dated for a year, introduced the kids, dated again for another year.  He proposed and six months later we were married.  He has some grown children, 1 bio, four siblings belonging to his ex's sister that they adopted, and one at home. 

The kicker was, I moved 250 miles away.  Yeah.  My son was homeschooled, so the school thing wasn't such an issue.  He and his dad's relationship was not good.  My husband has a great job with the railroad, 25+ years at the time, I was just starting school and cleaning houses on the side.  Made sense that I be the one to move.

Of course the ex didn't do much driving on visitation.  But I was able to drive up and stay with my mom while my son went to visit his dad. I made sure I got there at least once every three weeks, usually every two, and got him up there for extended holidays.  In all those years I never asked for more child support.  My husband absorbed the balance and has never uttered a word about it.

My ex has mellowed somewhat, remarried, joined her church.  My son really liked the church, the youth group, and most of all the private school.  Their price? $150. Price down here? $1200.  So two years ago my son moved to his dads.  He will be a senior this year, and is doing great. 

He left on good terms.  He likes coming back here to visit during the summer, Cmas, and other breaks his school has.  He and hubby go play golf EVERY time he comes down.  Sometimes when he calls I end up handing the phone over so they can talk sports.  I still drive up every other weekend to see him, and we stay at my moms.  We all look forward to that.

Sounds like it all worked out just peachy, doesn't it?  There are days I feel like my heart has been ripped out.  After he's been down here, I can't go straighten his room till about a week after he's been gone.  It has gotten easier, now that he's 17.  But I miss my little boy.  If I had to do all over again, knowing what I know?  I"m not sure I would have made the move. 

And now, some of you may have read my first post, we are dealing with husbands 15 year old who has decided to have sex with her bf.   Thankfully,  she and I have developed a close relationship over the last 5 years.  Hence the reason she told me about her and her bf having sex, rather than her parents.

I struggled at first with my role in her life, husband works over the road, so I have most of the responsibility when she is here. And she is here more and more, not just on 'her weekends.'   I finally decided the best way to describe myself is like an aunt.  Its my house, my rules, but on the life decisions, its her mom and dads decisions.  And then I enforce those here. 

She has never talked back to me.  She has always been respectful.  I think she was honestly glad to see her dad with someone and happy.  I've been blessed.  But I know there is a lot going on inside this girl.  So I'll probably be a regular on here. LOL

And now, I will end this novel.  I'm sure you can print it off and bind it. ;) 



acitez's picture
acitez

You are a woman of great courage. thank you for telling us your story.