Socalgirl160's picture

New stepmom needing advice!!!

I’ve recently becoming a stepmom and wonder if the 9 year old son behavior is normal.
My husband has primary physical custody and his ex wife has visitation every other weekend. (side note she cheated, left my now husband for her current bf who she lives with and the divorce was finalized before I came into the picture)

When my husband and I were just dating and doing a long distance relationship his son would ask to Skype, Facetime or even just Chat with me. Now fast forward to living in the same house the son will give hugs, say he love me and even calls me mom sometimes. We’ve never told or pushed his son to say or do those things with me.
I know how important it is not to push those kind of things and let them progress naturally if or when they do.

My concern is when his mother is around he acts as if I don’t exist. When his mother comes to pick him up or we drip him off he’ll kiss, hug and say good bye to his dad and I receive no acknowledgement, not even a good bye and I could be right next to his father. Wither it’s a school event, Boy Scouts, Birthday party which I plan, if she is there it’s like I don’t exist.

Maybe in some moments I’m selfish like his birthday party that I threw. My husband told me that they never had a birthday party for his son with his friends. It was usually just the family.
As my treat I take the son to party city and let him pick his theme. I get balloons, party favors, piñata, bake a cake, send out the invites, organize and pay for the entry thing from a personal account not a joint account. Not once did he talk to me or I get a thank you from him (even though I heard his father tell him to thank me) until after his mother left.

I’ve tried talking to my husband about how this hurts not even getting any kind of verbal acknowledgement or general chit chat when she’s around. He says it just hard for the son being in the middle and that’s the end of the conversation because neither of us know what to say or do..

Am I being selfish for wanting this? Or are my feelings valid? Any advice would be wonderful as this is all new to me.

coleenrodriguez's picture
Oh! That's pretty hurting. But in this kind of situation, the child is the most affected. He needs understanding I guess. It's just like, he's torn between his love for his mother and acceptance for you as his stepmom. Although it's hurting on your part, don't stop being a Mom to him. Just don't make him feel that you wanted to take the place of his Mom. Make him understand that it's not your purpose, that you want to be there for him and love him because he is special and a good child and he deserves to be loved by many. He will surely understand the situation as he goes older. Just be patient and continue to take care of him as your own.
Alotadirt's picture
Good luck, but you may as well quit knocking yourself out! My sd was 6 when me and my husband got together an I have a daughter who was 7 at the time. We have been married for 5 years now. I started off doing everything for my sd that I do for my natural child, but all I have gotten in return is disrespect. My sd constantly argues, always has something negative to say, REFUSES to do her chores, is jealous if my husband even pays attention to the dog! She evesdrops, snoops-I have had to LOCK up my things to keep her out of them. She is so lazy she actually wiped herself with her underwear after having a BM so that she wouldn't have to get out a roll of toilet paper! / I have asked her dad to get her some help, but he thinks she's perfect and doesn't understand my angst with her. So my advise to you is do what makes you happy and quit trying so hard to win over your step son. Obviously, you dont matter much to him so accept it.