fluffitcat's picture
fluffitcat

new step son

Hi

I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we have 3 children together.  He recently found out that he has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship.  He has started to see him but has completely pushed me out.  We argue all the time.  I try to be supportive but all i get is that its none of my business.  i dont know what to do!!



pokey's picture
pokey

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I do not have any experience in this at all, but I did have some thoughts on this that I hope may be helpful:


Has your husband had a paternity test done to be sure it is his son?


Second, If he hasn't talked to an attorney yet, I would do so right away--Hopefully one who specializes in paternity issues/father's rights.


Your husband likely is extremely stressed by this shocking revelation (of course you are, too). I'm sure he must have a whole lot of conflicting emotions going on right now. Perhaps by leaning on the expertise of a good attorney, some of his concerns can be allayed somewhat, and some sense of a new normalcy for you all can begin.


It has to be a very difficult time for you. I wish you well.

tamz's picture
tamz

In a marriage your husband's business is your business too. If he does not feel this issue is any of your concern then I would imagine there are already problems with your marriage. I too recommend a paternity test and, if I were you, I would sit him down and have a long talk about marriage and family. Not only does this new son effect you, but it also effect the children you already have with your husband. This child is a new family member and if your husband does not see that, he's going in the wrong direction with this and troubles are ahead of you all.

junieg's picture
junieg

I think it depends on how recently he found out. It may take him some time to get to grips with how he feels about things. He needs to get to know his son first and perhaps needs to do this alone before he becomes part of a bigger family with all that this entails. Just let him know that you are there for him when he feels ready to explore it with you.

junieg's picture
junieg

P.S. I also think that a DNA test would be a good thing but the subject would have to be tactfully introduced to avoid conflict.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

You need to find out why he's pushing you out. Talk to your husband. If I were in your shoes, I'd want to know why I cldn't be involved. Is he hiding something? The least he can do is discuss this w/ you so you know where you and he stands w/ this. What's his problem, anyway? I'd be both angry and hurt if he discluded me. Maybe you guys shld seek counceling. I really feel strongly, in any case, that he shld open up to you. If he doesn't, you're always going to wonder why, and if not resolved, this issue will put a strain on your marriage. You shld tell your husband exactly how you feel, and try to get him to communicate w/ you. Good luck!

fluffitcat's picture
fluffitcat

he refuses to have a paternity test cos he said he knew she was pregnant and the child looks like him. He says that he wants me to one day be involved but we need to compromise and work together. its just that what he says and what he does are 2 different things. My son is very clingy to his dad and when jason goes to see his new son my little boy crys. Jaosn comes home late every time he goes and misses putting our son to bed. If i try to call while he is there he turns off his phone. He cant understand why i get so upset. Hesays if i cant accept the situation then i can leave. I want to be supportive but its like living in limbo!!

kristih's picture
kristih

My brother went through the exact same thing as ludicrous as that sounds. He found out he had a son when he was 7 (but to make matters worse, he had been married for 9 years...ouch!)

Anyway, it took him a long time to come to terms with everything that had been robbed of both him and his son. I mean months went by before anyone could even talk to him about it. I think too, a big chunk of his problem was embarrassment. He felt like, how could this child have been out there and me not know? What kind of man does that make me? He had a lot to come to terms with. My advice would be to give him space, but make sure he knows you are there for him when he needs it and understand the confusion/sense of loss for the years missed/blow to his pride he is going through. I think before anyone in our family could connect with his son, my brother had to first and that's not easy when the child is that old already, because that child has issues to work out too.

Not much, but hope it helps.

fluffitcat's picture
fluffitcat

thanks for that. I will try and be more patient. I need to get over my hang ups about the ex as well. she was my husbands first - sexually and love. We lack trust in our relationship (he had an affair a couple of years ago but thats another issue!)so i am completely paranoid about her. hopefully in time it will all work out.. wish i could forward time to when it will be easier cos getting there is so hard!

junieg's picture
junieg

I think I urged patience but that was before you said that he had an affair a couple of years ago. I think I would be worried too now in light of that.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I agree w/ junieg. Something is fishy here. I'd be concerned that he may be having an affair w/ this other woman. The red flags went up when you said he comes home late. You come first in this relationship. Stand up to your husband, and put him in his place. This behavior is unacceptable, and he needs to know that. It's up to you, but I personally wldn't put up w/ any of it. First seek counceling, and after that, if you still don't see a change in your husband, I'd reconsider your relationship w/ him. That's just my opinion.