meow's picture
meow

My Stepdaughter

First of all, my husband and I just got married 3 months ago. He has a 5 year old daughter, who I love to death and we get along great (we met when she was 2, so she has been used to me for a while). Lately she has been acting very different, and I realize that she is just developing and learning new things - but one of them is how to lie. She has been telling us lies, or leaving parts out. Many of them are about her mom and protecting her mom. I understand that she will do that because all children love their mother no matter what. But she has also told us her mom tells her not to tell us certain things. My feeling is, if you don't want us to know, don't tell her. But on the other hand I'm starting to wonder if her mother is really telling her to lie or she is trying to get out of trouble by making it seem like it's not her fault.

Another thing is that she does not recieve much, if any, discipline at her mother and materal grandmother's house. She has told us she acts bad for them "because they don't get me in trouble like y'all do." I don't expect her to abide by our rules when she's not with us, but it makes me feel awful that she doesn't want to come over to our house for fear of getting in trouble (by the way our means of discipline include time out and "talking" about it, to show her why she's done something wrong). She used to be very excited to see me but now when I go to pick her up at school she cries and holds onto her grandmother and says she doesn't want to go. I understand her attachment to them but I don't think anything has changed for the two of us to make her not want to spend time with me. I always take time to make sure we do something fun together when she comes to our house. I really love her like she is my child but lately I am starting to feel defeated. Next year she is going to start kindergarten and I want to be able to take her to school and pick her up without her throwing fits. I also want to be able to discipline her and teach her right from wrong without her thinking it's "mean" because her other family doesn't do the same. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

Thanks



Pearl333's picture
Pearl333
Wow that is so hard. Unfortunely I see that all the time. One parent tries to be the favorite at the expense of the kid. I know it's time away but be honest with the kinder teacher. If I see behavior issues and I know information like this I will often call that parent so they will open their eyes to the importance of some disciplin. I always say if kids could make all their own decisions and didn't need guidance they wouldn't need guardians. The teacher should be on your side and will want to give you all more information because it comes across as more involved. Also coming from a strict household I couldn't stand my parents at times but have grown to have the deepest respect for them with age. I love them so much more for taking the time to disciplin me. It shows me they cared enough to make me better. I think they hung the moon. As long as you disciplin in love she will come to feel the same way I'm sure.
lovelife240's picture
lovelife240
i have a stepson whom is 17 now and his father and i went through the same thing. his biological mother let him run and do and say as he pleasedat a young age. at our home he had to mind as well as the other 3 we had as well. so it got to the point where he would throw up if you tried to make him eat anything but junk and he was violent toward my son who was the sameage as him. we stuck to our guns and diciplined him by taking things away and time out, eventually he learned to mind for us,and a few years ago we took custody cause his mom was a drug addict.
nicole74's picture
nicole74
I am going through the same thing when it comes to lying. I can see her do it and I feel weird correcting it all the time. I am wondering where she is learning this from.
meow's picture
meow
I don't know if this helps but I took a Human Growth & Development class and I learned that at a certain age a child learns that the people around them cannot read their minds and might start covering things up so they don't get in trouble, etc. I definitely agree it feels weird, and if you're in the same situation where you're the stepmother, it's hard to correct a child for lying when the other parent is instructing them to.