strong and getting stronger's picture
strong and gett...

my husband hates my son... what do I do?

My husband and I have been together for 3 years. We recently married in May of this year. I have 3 step children and I have 3 children of my own. My kids are 23 (lives on his own) 17 (son) and 15 (daughter) my step kids are younger. step son who is 9 and the twins just turned 5.

My son who is 17 graduates in 2011. He is a junior now and the star player on the hockey team. My husband had ALWAYS had issues with my son, and has no problem confronting me with his thoughts, which usually aren't very nice. My son last summer stayed in his room and never went out because of Joe (my husband) accusing him of being up to no good. It worried me and I asked my son why don't you go out with your friends. His reply was sad... He said he would much rather just stay in his room than to go out and be accused of doing something bad that he didn't do. (this is caused by Joe). I told him to enjoy his teenage years, go and have fun. Joe has had a real hard time with this! He locks my son out at night. He wakes me screaming at me about what time he comes in.. down to who he is hanging out with! Just being a jerk about what my son is doing. I found out a few months back my son was drinking, but didn't fess up to it right away... Joe jumped off the couch and attacked my son physically and I had to seperate them while screaming and crying for Joe to stop! BUT.. Joe did get my son to admit that he was drinking and smoking ciggarets. I was shocked with Joe doing such an act that he got my son to respond. I have been talking to my son, and as far as I know he isn't drinking but he is still smoking. I have taken him to the doc for this and I am still riding him. BUT thinking things could really be much worse and he IS 17 years old!!!! He is almost at the age he can vote!

OH I FORGOT TO ADD... My daughter can do no wrong (I love her to death, she is a very good girl) in Joe's eyes, and my step children are angels in Joe's eyes as well. It is just my 17 year old son. OH and did I mention Joe is an alocholic? I go to meetings trying to save my marriage because of HIS drinking problems.

My son has been using my car as Joe doesn't own one himself..

I am out of town and Joe called me (drunk) and yelling at me about my son. He had his girlfriend over while he was in the shower. It was stupid this phone call. He was mad at my son for having a wet towel on our room. He basically was acusing my son of having sex. He said he came home and she came outside to see who was in the driveway. He went in and couldn't find my son, but found a wet towel on the floor! Joe just LOST IT!!! I hung up on him and called my son. He told me he took a shower at home after his hockey game and changed into his cloths in my room so he didn't have to walk past his GF in just a towel. Well.. to me that makes sence! Joe won't talk to me. He is just lost it!!!

What do I do and why is he abusing my son like this? Do I leave? I don't want my son to hate me because his step father has it out for him. This is like living in hell!

There is more to this story but

2xstepmom's picture

You asked for advice, please take it!

Leave NOW and take your children before they are as messed up as your husband. If you think you are living in hell now, it can and will get much worse unless you get yourself and your children into a safe environment. This is abuse, pure and simple and should no longer be tolerated. You say you do not want your son to hate you, get out now before even more irreparable damage is done. No matter what your husband thinks of your daughter she is also being damaged by his abusive behavior toward your son and you.

acitez's picture

It also would make me nervous that his is close with the 15 year old girl. I've heard that predators sometimes marry women to gain access to their children.

Only2boys's picture

Oh, that just sent shivers up my son acitez... but oh so true.


Whoops_there_he_is's picture

This is what I don't understand, in situations like this.........WHY would any person marry a 1. Alcoholic 2. Overall Jerk
3. Anyone that mistreats the children.
You will never change your husband, so you can either stay married, and alienate your son. or get completely out of the relationship.
Let your son know that it is NOT him that has the problems, it is the your husband!

2xstepmom's picture

People marry damaged people with those and worse issues because they think they can change or save the person. Then when that does not happen, they feel trapped and put off getting out because they are in so deep and do not want to look like a fool for ever marrying the damaged person in the first place. They don't want to hear the "I told you so's" and continue to put up with with worse and worse behavior or curcumstances. They also are often afraid of the potential anger and threats if they try to leave the abuser.

This woman needs to get help in order to leave, contact an abuse hotline or professional who can give step by step advice on leaving. It is sometimes more scary for victims to leave and have to pick up the pieces alone than to stay and put up with the abuse.

That being said, when children are being abused, no matter how scared or codependent the parent of the children might be, it is the duty of the parent to protect their children from abuse, no matter how difficult getting out might be.

The scary possibility with the daughter and the continued abuse of the son should be enough for this mother to get out right NOW!!! The only way to let the son know he does not have the problem is for this mother to rescue her son from any more abuse.

It is fortunate there are no children together with this man.

SnglDad's picture

As I have said before, when faced with such circumstances we ask for the advice of others even though we know in our hearts what the solution really is. You have been given great advice, now you have to make the decision of whether you are willing to volunteer your children and yourself to Joe’s abuse and rage. For whatever reason, it seems that Joe feels threatened by your son being there. While reading your post I found it troubling that Joe treats your daughter so different from your son. As a parent that should set off all types of alarms.

Having been raised in a home where alcoholism and dysfunction were a daily event, I can tell you that your son is being harmed by Joe. When your son walks in the door he has to assess the mood of the drinker. Figuring out the mood of the drinker is essential to surviving in an alcoholic home. Your son has to put on an act to cater to Joe, he cannot be himself. It is evident that this is already happening since your son is choosing to remain in his room to prevent Joe from making accusations and causing more problems. When the drunk is happy, everyone caters to him and wants to keep him in that mood. As soon as the drunk becomes angry everyone scatters and tries to stay out of his way. This is no way to live, and this is no example to set for any of your children. You do not want your daughters growing up thinking that this is appropriate do you? By staying, you have in a sense, given your endorsement of Joe’s behavior.

Joe is not only harming his relationship with the children, but he is also harming your relationship with your son. What we see as a child, we will someday judge through the eyes of an adult. The constant bickering by Joe, if not already, will soon cause your son to hate him. At that point you run the risk of your son wondering why his mother ever allowed him to be treated in such a way. Try as you might, you will never change Joe, his future is in his own hands. You do have the power to save your children from this drunk, and should do so before he has the chance to cause your children any more harm.
Alcoholics know what the problems in their lives stem from but refuse to get help in order to change themselves. At the first sign that their drinking will cause them to run their mate off they will promise the moon, and for a short time they may deliver, but eventually they will go back to the same routine. They love pity. They will talk about how their childhood was so messed up, or how their ex really screwed them over. These tales of woe are often given as valid reasons for their drinking. No “man” needs to suck on a bottle in order to overcome his problems. It is only through hard work and a true desire to change that any progress will be made. Unless Joe dumps out every bottle, agrees to go to counseling he is not wanting to change.

2xstepmom's picture

So very true, SnglDad! Thank you for your input, you hit the mark, as always!

alissa's picture

So the issue isn't that your husband hates your son.

The issue is that your husband is an alcoholic.

teresaal's picture

Mheart goes out to you I live the very same thng or worse. my son is 21 and should be in college, but was kicked out of the house last month. He's a wonderful guy. Doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs. Im CRUSHED!!!!!

teresaal's picture

My email is maybe we can talk at least.