Justaboutfedup's picture
Justaboutfedup

My husband hates my son

I am not really sure what to do. I have been with my husband for three years and we've been married a year and half. While we were still dating, my son (who was 14 at the time) was caught smoking marijuana. He has been to inpatient and outpatient treatment for that. When my son was released from inpatient treatment I sent him to live with his dad in another state for awhile to try to get him in another environment. This was my husband's (boyfriend at the time) idea. Well my son had to go to court...it took several months to get a court date...and had to come back and live with me as part of his probation.

My son got a decent job after school and on weekends(he was 15 almost 16) and my husband (we were married by then) made my son give me half his paycheck to help pay for his inpatient treatment. I didn't agree with this and just thought it was part of being a parent having to pay for the treatment. My son was being rebellous to my husband which wasn't anything too bad considering he was a teenager. He did smoke cigarettes in the house which infuriated my husband. My husband made my son move out and in with my dad in a neighboring town. My son also did take some money from my husband (a couple of dollars here and there) but felt that my husband was taking his money by taking half his paycheck.

Here is the problem...every time my husband and I argue he brings up my son. He tells me all the time that he hates my son's guts and will never have anything to do with him. My husband won't go to any of my family get-togethers because my son will be there. Every argument turns into an argument about my son and how it's my fault that he smoked marijuana and that I should have been tougher on him. In fact, when my grandmother died my husband wouldn't even sit with me in the family section because my son was there. I am really starting to resent my husband because of this. I am considering divorce because I am so tired of arguing about my son, who no longer lives with me because my husband hates him. He is no longer allowed at the house if my husband is here. My son is definately no angel but my husband is 40 years old and is definately acting like a child.

What do I do? My son is a senior in high school this year and he will soon be on his own. I feel like I'm letting my son down by letting it go this far.



Justaboutfedup's picture
Justaboutfedup

I should also mention that my son has seen a child psychologist for his behavior. The psychologist said that there is nothing wrong him and he is a typical kid. The psychologist did tell me that we were too harsh on my son. I told my husband this but of course he thought the psychologist was wrong.

acitez's picture
acitez

I am so sorry.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Why are you letting your husband make all the decisions about your son? These decisions shld be between you and your son's dad. Do you have a good relationship w/ your ex? I don't agree w/ your son's behavior by any means, and I agree you can be a lot stricter. It's definitely unacceptable for your son to take $ from your husband. It sounds like he has a lot of resentment towards his step-dad b/c he's making all the rules, and you're going along w/ these rules even though you don't necessarily agree w/ them. You and your husband need to communicate better, and you need to set the rules for your son. You also need to get on board w/ your ex, and together you have to come up w/ a better plan of action, or this family is going to fall apart. Don't let your son have the control here. B/c you're all not on the same page, your son is getting away w/ these things. He shld be your first priority. Decide on a course of action and stick to it. Your husband shld be following your lead, not the other way around. I'm sorry things have gotten this far. Maybe marriage counceling or family counceling can be helpful. I hope things get better for all of you.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Your son should be your first priority! He is your child and you are responsible to be the best mother you can be now and forever.

You husband knew about your son's issues before you got married and by doing so took on part of the responsibility of raising your son to be a man. The vows say "for better or for worse", not, only when their children are perfect.

No matter what your son's issues, and it was wrong of him to take money from your husband, you cannot let your husband treat your son and you so disrespectfully. Your son is at a point where he may be trying to turn his life around, or may be in the future, and you need to be there for him, and not allow your husband to behave as you state.

My late father-in-law and some of my husband's family members have been very unkind to me and my children (ie: invited his ex to weddings and not me) and when his father died, I sat right with them all. Your husband being unwilling to be supportive of you, by all of the examples you give, shows that you need to switch your loyalty.

What will happen when your son has your grandchildren? Are you not going to be able to see them? Think this through! How heartbreaking for you and the grandchildren. You are taking the very real risk of losing your son and your future grandchildren over this man. Don't do it. My children have many friends whose parents have chosen new partners over them and it has ruined their relationships. You will be the loser in the long run. You deserve a supportive and respectful partner and loving step-parent for your son, not a controlling and vindictive man. And, your son deserves more from you than your husband is allowing.

mommatwogirls's picture
mommatwogirls

It sounds to me that your husband is a very self centered person who needs all of your attention. Your son's behavior, while a little out of control, is basically just typical teenage mischief. He is a child still!! I'm sorry to tell you, but you should cut your husband off before he starts controlling every aspect of your life (if that hasn't already happened). I think you already know what you have to do. You seem like a strong woman with a great head on your shoulders. I wish you and your son the best of luck.

luckybunnie's picture
luckybunnie

Im so sorry your having to choose between your son and your husband. Choose your son! I am in the exact same boat but have 13 years of marriage and 2 teenage sons. Your guilt over his missbehaving is making you listen to your overly strict husband. Believe me your son is nomal your professional told you this and still your listening to your husband. You need to see your son through his issues and set healthy boundries by talking to professionals not controlling husbands (or people who have not done it right) who would prefer to wash their hands of the whole thing. In the long run you will resent his making you choose his way and not letting you make things right. If he were a worthy man he would know how important it is to have a loving relationship with your son.

REALITYSTRIKES's picture
REALITYSTRIKES

You should have NEVER NEVER married this freak,he is a child himself,and old one at that,he is insanely jealous of your beautiful son,GET RID OF HIM ASAP.Hes not a good person,he is a selfish grown up,and your trading your son for him,he is pitting you and your son against oneanother! He is [filtered word]ing about stuff that isnt a problem,my daughter smokes cigs and pot,not all the time. She did it more when she was younger,shes actually grown out of it now,quit making a big deal out of your sons era,hes doing nothing wrong,this man is not a man,and he is trying to RUIN your greatest thing EVER! You and your beautiful sons relationship,dont ever let that kid down,he is your SON,and he only has you to look to,you should be a strong mother and protect that kid at all costs,if you dont,your a ignorant person,your son should be the most IMPORTANT THING TO YOU,I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH,he has grown into a beautiful young man,and he is always there for me if i need him,your son will not be there for you later,you have already let him down,that will hurt him so much,you are a girl and your his mom,if you cant depend on your mom,theres nobody,cause nobody loves you like your momma!!Now you get rid of this creep,and mark my words,YOU WILL HAVE ALOT OF TROUBLE IN THE FUTURE WITH THIS MAN,AND you wont have your son to go to because you werent there for him! If you dont get rid of him you are as bad if not worse than him! Hes a freak!! He hates your son,why with that alone i would have thrown him out along time ago,you love me!you will love my children or your out!!they come 1st. ALWAYS!You were lucky god gave you a son,a beatiful son,how precious,and hes trying to grow up,BE THER FOR HIM STUPID WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TELL YOUR NEW HUBBY TO GET THE HELL DOWN THE ROAD!!!!!!!!DONT YIOU LET THAT KID DOWN!!!!!YOU NEED TO PULL HIM BACK INTO YOU,if you dont you will make me sick to my stomach,I HATE PEOPLE LIKE YOU,you are weak mouse in the corner,should have NEVER been allowed a child. Get rid of the CREEP,YOU CAN DO BETTER,AND IF YOU CANT,STAY TO YOURSELF,youll always have your son,no man is worth this,like an animal,wants to get rid of your child from another man,its the other man thing to him.Its your sons life to your son,o god help this pathetic mother who has to actually come on here and ask what she should do about this hateful husband!

REALITYSTRIKES's picture
REALITYSTRIKES

I love that there are people like you in this world to tell people like this woman whats up!! Thankyou for being out there!!!

Sister83's picture
Sister83

My goodness! I have to be honest here, this post gave me the creeps. I hope you have either gotten a divorce or undergone some serious family counseling. Your son should be your first priority. It is disgusting the way this man treats both you and your son. Don't stand for it. It likely will only get worse. And, even if your son moves far away, you can bet your butt that this bully will find something else to pick on you and your family about.

luckybunnie's picture
luckybunnie

Stand up for yourself. Your free, and have the right to! Tell him he has a choice stay with me in a realtionship I want or leave now because I have to do what I believe is right and for you to want me to do otherwise makes our relationship no good to me!! Tell him what you want, mean it. Its your mistake to make and you and your son will pay for it. Expect and remind him everytime he falters. You have to take control of this, its yours! Its up to you, your son needs you and you have the right! Your son has the right too be a child too and to make mistakes and fall down and hurt himself he will learn if your there showing him how to recover if not he may not and you dont want that.