lost's picture
lost

My family is falling apart

I have reach, what feels to be my lowest, breaking point. My husband and I argue all the time about our parenting skills. We have sole custody of all 3. My son is 13, his daughter is 12, and my little girl is almost 9. My daughter has never met her bio dad. She has always felt the emptiness of not having a 'dad'. When my husband and I got together, his daughter really felt bad about this and told my daughter he could have her daddy too. Very sweet - made me cry. But has retracted her offer and does not want her calling him dad. She is very sneaky and mean to my daughter all the time. She told my daughter that she was a mistake baby, that why she doesn’t have a dad. She of course denied this and no other action was taken. BS!! This has started the worst of things. Both of our girls hate each other and resent each other. My son is punished constantly for his arguing and talking back. He is an A & B student, very smart, just a snot face at times. Miss 12 was a C - D student but has moved up to an A - B - C - D student. She still gets more privileges than my son. D's are not acceptable in my eyes. Don’t get me wrong, if they try their best its ok. But she chooses to not pay attention in class, doesn’t do notes, or just doesn’t do homework. I just cant figure out how she is so perfect and my kids are not even close. She constantly talks back to me, argues, cuts me off when I’m talking.....ugh! I put my foot down and tell her to go to her room, or be quiet, or what ever fits for appropriate situation. I talk w/my husband and it goes no where. He says I’m too hard on them and I say he is way to easy. He feels he is supposed to be their best friend (but is only w/his daughter). I call BS again. I am here to raise my kids to be independent and strong and responsible and when it is ok to be goofy and when it is time to be serious. He wants to be his daughters best friend. She is 12 not 2.....she is on him or up his back end 24/7. She cant do homework w/out daddy. She plays him constantly to get her way and he doesn’t see it. He will tell her 'no' on something and she pulls the 'pleeease dadddyyyy' and of course he says 'oh ok'....ugh!! Now the bad stuff. The evil grandparents!!! The have put so much on me and my husband it has been damaging. We are currently in court because they want her mom's custody rights. Wow. yes - these people are grossly obsessed. Its scary. They are teaching her to be materialistic. they buy her what ever she wants whenever she wants it. He still has yet to say anything to them about this. I thought an $800 diamond (engagement looking) ring for a (just turned) 12 yr old would have made him speak up. NOPE! I have been in a depressed state for a couple weeks now and it is only getting worse. I go to school full time currently in Phlebotomy - going into nursing. My husband does absolutely Nothing around our house. He doesn’t even help me push the kids to clean up. They have chores but I’m the devil cause I’m who enforces it every day. He plays on computer the second he walks in the door until he naps or goes to bed. I feel alone and don’t know what to do. Talking with my husband hasn’t been helping nor did counseling for our kids. Pleas, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love my husband and all 3 of my kids so very much!!!



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

So what is it you love so much about your husband and his daughter? From your description, it sounds like there is now not much to love. From sad exerience, believe me, love is not enough. There must be respect, consideration and unity and hard work on the part of the adults.

This relationship is just not healthy for any of you. If your husband is not willing speak up or participate in a positive manner as you state, then you are in a lose/lose situation. Your children are losing out by not having a happy childhood and mother and you are losing out by not having a supportive partner and developing depression from all this negativity.

My advice is for you to clearly outline your expectations for your children and relationship and without your children present, discuss these expectations with your husband. Make a plan to work out the differences in your parenting styles. Make clear rules for all the children and consistant consequences for infractions. It can be difficult at times to successfully blend a family. Jealousy, insecurity and acting out have developed and the only way to resolve these issues is for the parents to develop and maintain a united front. It sounds like your husband is withdrawing as a result of his own depression over the situation. Make a positive plan and put it into action. If your husband is unwilling to do this, then you may have to make an alternative plan for yourself and your children. This can be scary, as I know from experience. As a single mother for many years after my 2nd marriage ended, I struggled, sometimes working 3 jobs and doing without. I found it is better to be alone than to feel alone. As adults my children have told me they prefered that time in our lives to the upheaval and chaos of the years with their stepfamily. They have thanked me many times for choosing to put them first.

Try to give your husband the chance to step up and do what needs to be done for your family to be put back together. If he is unwilling or unable to do so, then take the necessary steps to provide your children with the positive life and mother they deserve.

Wicked Minerva's picture
Wicked Minerva

My husband and I have been together for 10 years. He has three children ages 21, 17, and 15. My children are 30, 28, and 17.
His 17 year old son has an explosive temper and is very disrespectful when asked to clean up after himself (flush toilet etc). A couple months ago, he stepped over the line. His father asked him to go stay with his mother for awhile. The two sisters, ages 21 and 15, said "if he's out, we're out!" My husband will not stand up to his children because he doesn't want them to be mad at him. No matter how badly he knows they disrespect me, he will not stand up to them. The 17 year old son has since apoligized to me. The girls want my husband and I to split up. The will not speak to me. They try to get my husband alone and then say all kinds of lies about me and my 17 year old son. His 15 year old daughter harasses my son at school and spreads all kind of lies about him and his girlfriend. They have decided that they are going to run me off. My husband will not stand up to these girls. The only time I am good enough for his kids is when they need something from me. This 15 year old girl has always been close to me since she was 4 years old. Nothing happened between her and me to cause this. His 21 year old daughter is the instigator. The 15 year old worships her. These girls are making our life hell. My husband and I are fighting about his inability to stand up to them. He doesn't feel that his kids should have to treat me with respect. I'm not a quitter! I have no clue how to fix this without letting the kids run me in the ground. Help!

acitez's picture
acitez

Which children live with you? I assume that your older children are on their own, is that right? What about his 21 year-old daughter, is she on her own?

Has his son moved back in with you?

Wicked Minerva's picture
Wicked Minerva

My 30 year old son is married and has 5 month old son of his own and lives in Michigan. My 28 year old also lives in Michigan. My 17 year old lives with us. My husbands two daughters 21 and 15 and son 17 live 1 mile away with their mother in her parents basement. They are suppose to be 1 week at our house, 1 week with their mothers. They have decided they will not stay with their father unless I am out of the picture. When they get into trouble with one parent, they move to the other parent's house. Never do they face the music for anything they do. The 17 year old son comes to our house to entertain his friends in our basement and then leaves. Because of his explosive temper, both his mother and father let him rule rather than deal with him. I have to be the one to say you need to take care of your dirty underwear or you need to flush the toilet after yourself. Then he flips out on me and I am the wicked stepmother because I don't let him walk all over me. All three of his children have waged war against me and my 17 yr old son. They don't even know why. They just want us to be miserable. I don't know how much more I can take of my husband not having a backbone or refusing to communicate. "He don't know what to say."

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Having been in this same situation, your husband must be willing to stand up to his kids and be a united front with you. If not, then you need to leave now for the sake of your son and for yourself. Your son will not be able to respect you and you will also lose your son because of this. It is difficult to do, but it is better to be on your own with your child than to continue in this very negative way. The stress you are under will erode your health. You are wasting your life trying to please these kids and enabling your husband to let the situation continue. Do not allow them all to use you. Best wishes on choosing to do the right thing for yourself and your child.

Wicked Minerva's picture
Wicked Minerva

My family is all in Michigan. When we decided to marry and blend our families, I sold my house, quit my job of 15 years and packed up my son who was 5 at the time and moved to PA. I have been in my current job for 8 years. I have no family here. I gave up everything to build this family here. I do love my husband and his children. I just know that the abuse from his kids and the fact that he allows it to continue are destroying my feelings for him. I have given all of myself to them. I know that my husband wouldn't allow his children to treat a total stranger the way they treat me. Why is it ok for them to abuse me? I have five sisters and two brothers. We were all daddys girls but...when we were wrong, our dad made sure we were corrected. We were never allowed to be disrespectful to anyone.
Why do I not deserve to be respected and protected?

acitez's picture
acitez

You are the one who is allowing it. You are allowing both of these men to be disrespectful of you. So, you have to protect yourself.

supernanny911's picture
supernanny911

Abigail Towers

I have a stepfather and my mother is expecting a little girl and i already have a sibling. I have a brother. I wished for a sibling and I got one but then a couple months later my mom told me she was pregnant.It was making me exciting and nervous at the same time.My advice is that you don`t wish for a sibling because your wish might backfire at you.

idkanyway's picture
idkanyway

Hello

You have to discipline your kids, he has to discipline his. You need to turn away when he does his job with his daughter and not undermine or judge him in front of the kids, and he needs to do the same for you.

HOWEVER, he needs to show you love and respect and make it clear to his daughter that YOU are number 1 in his life and in the family. Everyone else comes second to your spouse.

If she disrespects you, HE holds her accountable. Likewise if your children do it to him, YOU hold them responsible.

CHORES- you need to make a chore list that specifically outlines how to do every task, make sheets for each of them and copies to keep for yourself, and assign each of them a 'zone' to keep clean all week long. IF they don't do it they have something taken away until it does get done to the specifiications that you outline on yoru chore expectation list and instruction sheet.

You have to stress to them that it is their CHOICE as to whether or not they do their chores, and if they don't they also CHOSE to lose their tv, game system, phone, etc.

HUSBAND ... do you tell him exactly what you need and want from him? If you didn't don't think he knows better or will guess becasue if you haven't said it, he doesn't know it and won't act like he knows it.

Communicate with him (Alone) about what you need from him on a daily basis in a calm and neutral setting. (after sex?)

Make sure you go out with your husband at least 1x a week for a date, and go out every 3 mos for a weekend alone. I am not kidding on this one, get rid of the kids and go out for the weekend alone.

You will become more entwined, and his daughter will get it. She'll understand that you are his lover and wife, and she is not and never will be.

Okay hope this is good advice.
Good luck .

Wicked Minerva's picture
Wicked Minerva

Thank you so much for this advise! It is the best advise anyone has given me thus far. This is the way I was raised to believe a husband and wife are to be. I would be sooooooo happy for our family to work like this. One problem. My husband has made it very clear that his three children will always come before me no matter how wrong they are. My kids treat my husband with utmost respect. They understand that my husband is my life partner and that my relationship with him is of utmost important. They do not feel that it lessons my love for them in any way. My kids really want me to be happy. His kids don't want me or my kids in his life. They have nothing to do with him but want us to be miserable. I believe if he would stand up and say "This is my wife, the love of my life. We want you to be part of our family and life. We love you as we always have. You will treat my wife and myself with respect. You have chosen to reject us and ignore us. It's a choice you have to make and live with. We want you to choose to be part of this family!"