Gheisha1's picture

my 20 yr old live in stepdaughter is destroying my marriage

When I first started dating my now husband his daughter did not live with him. as soon as we were married for 3 months he called and stated that his 20 yr old daughter would be moving with us to our new home. I already have 5 children thats what I said 5...2,10,14,16,18...we had discussed moving into this house with them, they were all going to have their own room and now she is coming someone must share...We got through it, but heres the problem...she drinks, smokes weed out side of the house smokes Newports in the home...keeps her room trashed, dates a gang member, is disrespectful when her father is not around, he says that she was not raised like I raised my kids, so I need to children feel like she gets rewarded for bad behavior... did I mention, that He is a Lt. and I am an officer...I try to talk to him about these problems and he gets all touchy feely and I don't want my kids to start to rebel because of her...I know I am the adult, but this little girl drives me crazy and I feel like she does it on purpose. I love my husband, but I just want to take my children and go. I'm at the end of my rope..why do I have to go through this drama when her mother does not...I try to treat her fairly, but it's getting real old real fast...she does not want to interact with me unless he makes her and I just cant do it...when I think about it I get so upset... I tried telling him that he does not help when he backs down from the rules and babys her and that it is putting a strain on our marriage...he said that there was nothing wrong with the marriage and I am ready to pack up

mayamay's picture

Sometimes a marriage is a mistake. It's ok. You don't have to be mad, you don't have to be afraid. You do have to take care of yourself and your five children. Drugs and dating a gang member is the one that I would draw the line at. Her other choices are her business, but the drugs and the gang put your children in danger.

camsmom10897's picture

It sounds as though you have quite a problem...if you have truly tried talking to your husband and he is refusing to see the dangers in her seems that you have a very difficult choice to make. He has to understand that his daughter is a grown woman and shouldn't be dependent on you for shelter at this point....he also has to understand that you are his wife and his first obligation is to you...especially since she is grown...and the larger obligation to the younger, impressionable children in the home. If he is not willing to see reason and there is no room for compromise, then what is there??

Sister83's picture

Sorry that you're going through this. I think you need to tell your husband in no uncertain terms how you feel, and how this is impacting your marriage.

A 20 year-old is an adult. She needs to get a job and move out, for her sake and the sake of your marriage. She isn't progressing in her life hanging around your house and smoking pot.

I like the idea of putting aside a bit of money each month to set her up for a security deposit for a new place (as a sort of gift). Set a timeline for when she needs to move out.