My husband and I have been going through this same situation with his two boys and their mother. When it first came up over 2 years ago, we explained to the boys all the reasons it is inappropriate for them to sleep with their mother. Like you, they sleep just fine on their own when they stay overnight at our home. This came up again at the beginning of the summer, just before they turned 14 and 11 and are now the size of adult males. The older boy, who is now 5'10" and 200 lbs, told us his mother asks them to sleep with her because she is "cold" or "lonely" and this now makes him feel very uncomfortable. The younger boy who is 5'7" and 150 lbs says he sleeps with his mother most nights because he feels sorry for her because she does not have anyone to sleep with. Once again we firmly explained to them that their mother's lack of an adult male companion is not their concern. We told them that they need to tell her they do not want to sleep with her. The older son said he would but the younger one said he does not want to hurt his mother's feelings. My husband offered to talk to her and the boys asked him not to because they do not want her to get upset and after discussion decided to start going to bed before her. It is really sad that parents will put their own feelings and needs before the needs of their children. If yor husband's ex continues this practice, you may have to have a firm talk with the children as we did and teach them to have the boundaries their mother lacks.

Ironically, the boy's mother is a child psychologist and thinks everything she does is right. The boys tell us they are no longer sleeping with their mother since our last talk. My husband's 23 y/o son lives in their home with his g/f and they are keeping an eye on the situation since the beginning of summer also. His ex wife would fight us tooth and nail for custody which would cause the boys a lot of emotional trauma and heartache all around. I understand the concerns you have stated but in this situation it is better for us to teach the boys to have the boundaries their mother lacks.

To update, the 11 y/o came for visitation this weekend and volunteered that he has been sleeping in his own bed for over 4 months now. He stated he is concerned that his mother will start asking him to sleep with her again now that the weather is getting cold. We all role played him setting up his boundaries and he came up with telling her she can get an electric blanket. Out of the mouths of babes.

My husband says the doctor the children go to has in the past not been willing not discuss any issues with my husband since the divorce. We thought of that route when the children originally brought the situation up and decided that teaching them to have the boundaries their mother lacks is the best way to solve the problem which seems to be working so far.

Sounds like the mother is the one in need of help. If she's lonely or cold, she shld address these issues herself, she shldn't put it on her kids to solve the problem. If though, it's the kids asking to sleep w/ mom, mom needs to encourage the kids to sleep in their own beds. I can understand if a child has a bad dream or wakes up not feeling well, why he/she wld seek out mom's comfort. However, to make this a permanent arragement is only going to cause problems in the future. I hope the mom comes to realize this. And is it really fair to say that the kids want to be there for their mom in place of daddy? That doesn't sound like the kids' thinking at all. It sounds like the mom's idea of coping w/ the loss of her husband. Not a healthy situation if you ask me.