wantan's picture
wantan

is it ok to be angry? PLEASE HELP

I am the girlfriend, living with, a divorced dad of three teenage girls.  the youngest, just turned 12, is acting out in every way and of course pointing all towards me.  she has been choosing a path of negative attention for some time now.  her dad, and bio mom, treat her like the 'baby', and seem to look the other way not wanting to deal with some of the issues.  this girl is in need of counseling, has been for some time.

anyway, fast forward.  last week the camels back finally broke and she asked for a schedule/rules.  well last night she got what she asked for and decided not to be very pleased.  in the meantime she has just about frustrated everyone around her; teachers, sisters, family, family friends... all except her parents.  her dad was to have a talk with her, and to start laying down some behavioral ground rules, and consequences.  she has never been grounded, never had her cell phone taken away or any privledges... she walks around like a princess while her sisters take the brunt of her manipulation.   so I find out the discussion her dad had was the following: you are frustrating everyone and furthermore my girlfriend [me] doesn't know what to do with your attitude anymore so she is going for therapy to get help, and help on how to be a step mom because one day sometime in the years to come she is going to be your step mom.   now yes, both he and I agreed to go and think it is necessary to go for counseling to deal with our own communication styles so we can continue to be positive and resolve conflicts constructively and continue to be partners/team mates.  he failed to mention anything to his daughter about his participating in counseling with me.... and actually it wasn't about her but about us. now I have this 12 yr old that I'm in a power struggle with and see right through her nonsense [and she knows it which is why she doesn't like me] that is going to play off the fact that she's gotten her dad's girlfriend in to counseling... her friends will know, and probably bio mom.   I am SO mad!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I can't stop being mad!  It happened late last night.  my boyfriend and I went to bed without talking, he only telling me I am being immature and she's going to be much better now. this morning I told him to give me space and leave me alone... he was only in my face more and more and more, to the point he started laughing in my face and then walked out the door for work.  UGH!  He apologized early this morning and has the expectation that I should just accept [which I did] and forget about it.  I am trying but am struggling.  

gail's picture
gail

Yep.  BE ANGRY. 

I've been married 31 years.  I've been angry lots.  Nothing wrong with being angry. 

But, don't stir things up, don't lose your temper.  Let things set for a couple of weeks.  See how the thing with rules in place actually works. 

It seems that the dad is a bit of a coward, but you may be able to  live with that.  I really think that you are an influence for good in that home.   I don't know if it is a good idea for you to sacrifice yourself in order to be that influence.  Especially if he has a history of infidelity.  Did I pick that up from another thread?  Maybe I'm confused.  Anyway, I'm still thinking of you. 

 

wantan's picture
wantan

Hi Gail.  Nope, you've got the right 'thread' in mind.  Same guy, same daughter.  I was told that it will only get worse before it gets better.  It's starting, but I won't give up, but I need this sounding board so the anger doesn't become temper and resentment.  I think, if I can say this, that if I stay... stick it out, work through it all, in the end I will be the influence this entire family needs/has needed. It might take a long time to get there and an even longer time for anyone, if ever, to appreciate and realize... so I will thank you now for commenting.  He is a coward, I just hate admitting it. Thinking of you and hoping all is good in your world. thanks so much for the note and words of encouragement.  it helps!

frustrated's picture
frustrated

Hi there. I think you are a very good influence in their lives. I also think you have a right to be angry. Perhaps the next talk with the 12 year old could include both of you.  It is not too late to say you are both in counselling to learn how to resolve conflict.I also think consequences for poor behaviour, teaches her to be responsible for her own actions. My ex hiusband used to make idle threats and never followed through. Now that we are separated my boys have learned that in my house, mom will follow through. Good luck.

wantan's picture
wantan

thank you! I know and wish my fiancee wouldn't just make the threat,  but follow through.  I so want to, because I know that's what she needs!  she's got free reign at her mom's and here [dad's], and it makes me mad because it's teaching her all the wrong lessons.  thanks for your words.  

wantan's picture
wantan

haha, I'm just reading through all of these messages I posted.  seems around the 20th of each month 'something' happens.  I just posted another message a couple of days ago, regarding the same child, the 12 yr old brat. [sorry, can't help myself]divdivso to update you - rules/boundaries lasted a week, maybe 2.  we're right back to where we always end up, but now she's telling me she hates me, with her finger in my face.  when I ask her to do a chore she basically laughs and when I get upset she tells me I'm acting like a 3 yr old.  her dad is "proud" of her.  divdivI'm clueless.  what I know is I'm not leaving, because that's what she wants and expects..  what a reason to stay.  divdivher dad and I are totally not understanding of one another right now,, regarding her and the situation.... and no, still no counseling for the young one.  never any consequences or repurcusions.  [spelling?]  I did take her cell phone away, and I'm about ready to smash it to pieces.  I am not looking forward to monday when she's back here for a week.  and I'm sure she's spun this a different way with her bio mom, so she's probably going to try and not even come here on monday.  I don't know anymore.  divdivhope you're doing well!

racha1's picture
racha1

I have 2 kids of my own and am dating a man with a 15 year old daughter. My problem is the way he treats her. They are like a couple. I am in no way jealous of her, but find their behaviour quite strange. They physically are always touching and she sits on his lap....which I don't approve of. They also talk everyday 4-5 times a day and text each other all day when she is with her mother. They have little secrets and giggle on the phone.This teenager also has no friends and no activities, so I think that she lives to be her fathers girlfriend. It is weird. I am not exposed much to her, but when I am, it gives me the creeps. She is a different kind of kid. Not like mine at all and my kids do not want to hang with her at all. I think that the feeling is mutual, but if we are all together, mine are with their friends and she hangs with us (or with him) and I can't sit or walk next to him...I don,t hate the child, but I really don't feel much likeness or love for her. She really does annoy me, but I know I have to be the adult here....It is hard to like her and I see why she has not friends, but it is hard to tell her father, that most of her issues are his fault. He is very protective of her and has to know every minute of her day, where she sat, what she did. She even discusses with her father when she should be taking a shower or telling him that she is going to take a shower. She also likes to get in the middle of her mother and father to make them each feel guilty and I tried to explain to him what she is doing and he says that it is not her, but the mother...I think that the daughter is mature enough to do stuff like that and knows what she is doing. Anyways, just wanted to spill my frustrations. Maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but have a hard time being with her. But if no one else wants to be around her, maybe there is a reason.
thansk for readin

junieg's picture
junieg

Racha, I would be extremely worried about their relationship. It does sound very intense and perhaps more intimate than it should be.

racha1's picture
racha1

I don't think that the relationship is intimate in that respect. I think it is just weird that they act like to ggigly teenage girls together, but one is a grown up father. He is by no means that way with me or my kids and is very good to my children and they adore him.

tamz's picture
tamz

racha - I have a a boyfriend with an 18 year old daughter. I'm going to be vulnerable here and tell you that at times, I experience jealousy in regard to her. He has a 12 year old son and I do not experience these feelings about him. The reason I am telling you this is because I believe the feelings I have are common for situations like ours. We do not love the female teens the same way they do. It's kinda hard to accept the man we love loving another female as much or more than they love us. That being said, the close behavior is a little creepy, but it sounds like he only has one child and it's this girl; only children get more attention. This girl must also feel feelings of jealousy toward you, I just think you should accept that it's pretty normal for both of you before you try to resolve your situation and feelings. I think you should address the issue with your boyfriend, but stick to reasonable concerns and don't pick on every action. Tell him you think having his daughter sit on his lap and gain permission to take a shower is too much. But don't try to interfear with the conversations or hand holding. influence a more independent relationship if you can but remember she is always going to be his daughter and in her eyes she wants to be his #1 girl... so do you... Just go into this without denial of your own feelings or you won't resolve anything. GOOD LUCK!!!

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Well, it does sound wierd to me. My ex had 3 daughters and I thought THEY were very much too close and they were not this close. It ended up that the youngest one came to live with us and was finally able to get completely between us. He left with her to "be there for her" and by the time she found herself a real boyfriend, it was too late, I had moved on. There were a lot of other issues too but this was the final straw. Hope it works out better for you.