KAYE050's picture
KAYE050

Insecure Stepdaughter

I am same situation as these people with stepdaughter. I have son of 12yrs who is confident, happy and has lots of interests and good friends. Been dating boyfriend for 2 years now and son encourages it. Boyfriend doesn't try to father as he has his own dad, just be a friend. they get along but not a close relationship or same funny type he has with his dad. Son with me 50% of time and we are very close, but he doesn’t cling, he knows who he is and is secure in himself. My boyfriends non-bio daughter (from prev marriage who's mother virtually deserted her for lots of new boyfriends) lives with him 90% of time, some visits to her mother that don't often go well. What mostly concerns me is that she lies, steals, has wagged school for 2 years and is now 15yrs old and ready to drop out, despite trying special school with program. Has no interests at all apart from crap TV. Has few friends and they are unsocial types also. She cannot say hello or goodnight, she speaks quietly and eyes down, lacks confidence but is scheming and twists her non-bio dad around finger. He does everything for her, think thats what he did with ex wife as he's a beautiful person but soft. He would do same for me but I don't allow it, I am independent type anyway. He is a strong successful man and extremely loving, I love him very deeply and even after 2 years our relationship as just two of us and sometimes our son also is still amazing, exciting and respectful. Then we go out with her to a show and she clings to him and pushes me out. I end up walking behind them. She has stolen from my house, his house. Cannot be trusted with a phone, internet. Been accused of flirting, enticed a man home when walking alone and then reported him and got him in heaps of trouble. She has deep set problems that are obvious but my boyfriend just keeps hoping everything will turn out. I know i can't live with her because our love would turn toxic and I would rather break it off now than see our love turn sour. We both want each other so much but I can't see her moving out of home until 20 or so as she has no future right now. She hasn't even passed year 9 at at school, is extremely lazy and he treats her as an adult too which doesn’t help. she thinks she has made it already and no work has been done in life. I would guess that she has narcissistic problems, its like her world is so small. I feel like saying, hey, wake up, the planet is dying, people are starving, maybe if she could look around the big wide world she would realise how small she is. We all need to do that. I think we should decide whats right for the kids, which at this stage seems to stay apart completely until she becomes secure, although waiting 2 years for that I can’t see it happening too soon…..what should I do?



mayamay's picture
mayamay
Ben Franklin said, "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, after marriage keep them half shut." When you marry a person, you marry all their relationships and obligations, too. If you really enjoy the challenge of figuring out how to connect with children who are shell-shocked, then marry someone who has children that have experienced abandonment, death of a parent, or divorce. If you don't know whether you enjoy that challenge, or if you know that you don't, marry someone who has no children. I suppose you could marry someone who has abandoned their children, or who would have no problem abandoning their children. If you do, I would suggest that 'childless by choice' would be a really good slogan for you.
KAYE050's picture
KAYE050
Thank you for your comments, brutally honest and I appreciate it. It is hard for me to connect as we don't see enough of each other, so all I see is the negative side. It feels like a huge weight on my shoulders and I am upset that her mother doesn't do the right thing as she is in position to. She still sees her mother and more lately, so would be wrong for me to step too far in. If no mum around then different story. Thats what makes it so hard. I feel for this girl, what has happened is not fair, she is also now apart from her brother becuase of this, so there would be grief for that too. As a dedicated and loving mother enjoying raising a son, I can't understand how anyone can desert a child like that. It has lifelong consequences. As far as my decision goes, I'm giving it some more time as we don't live together, and there will be no rushing into things. Any more comments would be appreciated.
KAYE050's picture
KAYE050
And no, I wouldn't allow him to walk away from her, I would be the one walking away. There is no question on that. Someone who has children but spends no time with them would not appeal to me, my morals would kick in pretty quick. The slogan comment was a little rough?
Tinkerbel's picture
Tinkerbel
Same situation & sentiments,and I move out in our house which ends up on divorce,but we stay friends..after a year she stow away bec.she's pregnant..My ex husband pursued to win me back,so I moved back into the house,now she wants to move back with the daughter,my ex said "No"..she's really mad to me because she knows it's my fault why they can't move back.Moral lesson,A stepmom even how nice or understanding you are always be the badguy or the witch...
Tinkerbel's picture
Tinkerbel
Absolutely right!those times my motto is "Love is blind".Im not thinking those possibilities,Yes,it's so challenging,I learned a lot..And before I will do something bad,bec.I know I'm starting to became a monster because she's pushing me to become..I Left my husband....