AMcC's picture

Im a boyfriend trying to be a dad/ trying to get a future at university..PLEASE HELP!!!!

Hi all, Im pretty new to this so bare with me!

I am in a relationship with my girlfriend of nearly a year and a half, she has a daughter of 3 and a half years. I love my girlfriend dearly and we have spoken about marriage and children together for quite some time. as with most children, my girlfriends daughter has moments of bad behaviour and generally being naughty, sometimes more severe than others. sometimes i personally feel that her daughter plays up too much and that my girlfriend could do more to keep her in line, but lately i have been intervening possibly too much as so to discipline her. the problem is my girlfriend thinks im too harsh on her and i think shes not firm enough and that she allows her to essentially control a situation. i think that sometimes she is "molly coddled" and discipline that she might need to encounter in order to make her respectful of what she is being told is avoided sometimes. as a result i feel bad what ever the situation, i feel like some sort of ogre when i try and intervene, knowing that my girlfriend might not appreciate my intervention. on the other side of the coin, when i stand back i worry that my girlfriends daughter's bad behaviour will only grow and may well one day come between us for good. i know she's not my flesh and blood, and i know i probably over step the mark, but i feel its in all of our interests to try and at least act as a parent of somesort as one day we may well all be under one roof with the possibilty of more additions to the family. the father of my girlfriends daughter see's her once a week, some times less. the relationship between my girlfriend and her ex is fragile and frosty at best, as when they were together she endured some domestic issues.

I am clueless as were to turn. i dont know how i should approach this situation any more as my best intentions sometimes aren't wanted. My girlfriend is 24 with a small beauty therapist business, i'am 23 and am currently 3/4 the way through a university degree. we both want to move on, she is desperate for me to finish university so we can be together permanently, she is sometimes resentful of me being at university because she feels it is hindering a family life that she desperately wants now. if anyone has any advice, i'd be extremely grateful..

sorry for the essay : )

SarahG04's picture

I am also going through something similar. My boyfriends daughter is 11 and its been hard to keep my mouth shut on some of her actions. I have recently just started stepping up to the plate and he has been very open to it.

You don't want to step on any toes with her, but she also has to respect that you only want whats best for her daughter. You said that she was part of domestic issues? She might be just worried about the past. She probably isnt very trusting of the whole situation. Maybe just back off a little, but if she wont allow you to discipline that will make this relationship hard and unfortunatley end yalls relationship.

acitez's picture

Speaking of essays, you ought to read through the whole thread of Sexuality, commitment, marriage, divorce.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

First and foremost, finish your degree. Establish yourself in a stable job, then think about marriage. Does your GF work? I understand your frustration w/ wanting to help parent your GF's daughter, but really it's your GF's place to discipline her child. Try to be supportive, and when you don't agree w/ the way your GF handles a situation, take her aside and talk to her. Don't discuss it in front of her daughter. This is the best you can do. Hopefully your GF will eventually realize that you're only trying to help. You mentioned that your GF dealt w/ some domestic issues when in the relationship w/ her ex. Do you mean abuse? If so, maybe your GF feels guilty that her daughter had to experience such a difficult time in her life, and that cld be why she's so lenient w/ her.
Talk to your GF about it, and maybe consider family counceling. Eventually you're going to have your own children together, and you don't want to have these same differences then either. Work out a plan so you and your GF are on the same page when it comes to disciplining the kids. It's not easy, but for the best interest of the family, it's necessary. Good luck.

sober's picture

I suggest that you finish with your university degree and then take decisions.

Suzandersen's picture

The answer to your post is not a simple one. Let me explain by telling my history. I married someone 9 years ago. I had two children, he had one child, we then had one together. My degree is in child development. I tell you that to say that even someone with knowledge of child development can't always get it right when it comes to a blended family. Psychology says that the stepparent should spend the first year or two only bonding with the child and not disciplining the stepchild. Once a relationship of respect and a sense of nurturing is established, then the stepparent should be able to discipline some, but should not take on the major disciplinarian. That being said, my husband still lacks disciplining his own biological child, but rides my children from a previous marriage constantly. He picks them a part for every minor detail. They are straight A students and other families always tell me how sweet and well-mannered my kids are.

sober's picture

Help!! I am torn. I want to go on a snowboarding trip in Austria with my husband. We normally go once or twice a year for a week at a time. We haven't gone since she was born. My parents are willing and able to watch her, but I am so torn. I studied in Austria so I kinda miss it.

Should I go or should I wait until she's older? How old is old enough for her to be "okay"?

How old was your child before you traveled for at least a week for the first time?

mayamay's picture

I went with my husband when my youngest was about a year and a half old. We left her with her grandparents. If I had known then what I know now, I would not have gone, or I would have taken her with me. Can your parents go with you so your child can be with them while you are boarding? That would be ideal. Take the twice a year budget and pay for your parents' travel, lodging, and food expenses instead, and be sure to spend at least one evening doing something with just the adults. Many resorts have a list of recommended child care providers for that purpose.

I don't think my parents' generation even considered a vacation without children along.