Shanlyn's picture
Shanlyn

I have grown to dislike my step daughter

I know this happens all to many times, what does one do when they dislike their step duaghter?

I fell in love with her dad after seeing how loving and carring of a father he was to his little girl, she was always daddys little girl, but alas the little girl grew up and became a spoiled teenager (17)....we got along ok at first, as long as I bought her things, jumped at her every whim and never told her dad when she did something wrong...I never confronted her about anything, that was and still is her fathers responsibilty....I am so tired of seeing her disrespect her dad, lying to him and having an attitude when she doesn't get her way or what she wants...she sleeps around and spends the night or weekend at different boys houses pretty much every weekend all the time lying to her father saying she is at her friends house, I tell her dad she is at a boys house, he suspects she is but he says he has to trust her,why would a father allow his daughter to sleep around like that????? it seems he is happier when she is gone and we have the house to ourselves....

I know it is extremely hard on the kids when parents divorce....do some kids play on this and use it as a tool to get what the want or to get out of trouble?

I see so many posts in here that sound like my situation, I swear it  was as if I wrote it......



watson's picture
watson

Hi well been there done that with 3.....and 5yrs. of relationship....our best times without the 3....I am a mother of 2 and had my of raising single and they turned out well pretty good. You described the youngest and oldest of the 3....it caused termoil in the relationship and we are done...and sorry but the stress is gone....he babied them and they were spoiled at both ends....i had no say... and when i spoke up i was shot down and we had some very slezzy, lying, lets use daddy times.... i am sooooo glad i am away from it....but i am close to the middle girl we had a tough go but she grew up.....and understands....good luck to you...remember life is short and do you want to raise a child in this situation???ps......daddy better get a grip on the boy thing....kids at school will be calling her a slut big time....

watson's picture
watson

sorry i forgot to mention....the biggest comment from thery're dad was "i know how bad my kids are but i don't know what to do" but yet he wouldn't listen to me and became quite close to my children and 3yrs later still buys them holiday gifts....I have no contact.

vabc1200's picture
vabc1200

Went through this 7 years ago with my stepdaughters. My biggest mistake was constantly telling their dad, my husband, what they were doing (as if he didn't know!) and allowing myself to be so consumed by it. When I finally stepped back and started "doing my own thing" more, he stepped up to the plate and started dealing with them.  He did eventually have to kick one out of the house entirely which was just awful. BUT it was the best thing for her. 7 years later, we have a good relationship and she is a productive, SOMEWHAT mature member of society! :-)I was at the point your are, where I just didn't like her. I started a journal and literally MADE myself write something about her I was thankful for every night. Simple as it sounds, it really did help. And at one point, I went to her and told her that I was sorry for the pain I had caused her by marrying her dad. She understood I wasn't apologizing for marrying him-- and wasn't saying I wish I hadn't, but I was acknowledging her pain in it. That was the beginning of a road to healing for us.

Shammy's picture
Shammy

I understand how you feel. I have a 15 year old stepdaughter and she constantly tells her dad off. She only likes to be around when we spend money on her too! However, my husband is completely oblivious to this. I have a daughter of my own and she had a jewelry box of over $300.00. My stepdaughter came over and low and behold my daughter's jewelry box was $220.00 short. My husband blamed everybody but his daughter. Her mother poisons her mind a lot about us, but that gives her no right to tell us off or steal. I've put my foot down lately, because dealing with this is JUST SO stressful!
I just continue to think that it has to get better over time........
Good luck

vicki105's picture
vicki105

Shanlyn,

   My stepdaughter is 6 now and I know for a fact she is headed in the same direction with boys as yours.  From the beginning you were in a no win situation but how in the heck did you have the strength to not speak up when he didn't discipline her.  I commend you for that.  I have no tolerance for it and I am kicking him and her out.  Good for you though for tolerating it.  She is now the product of what you knew she would be if he didn't discipline her and he and she will pay for that.

Lizabetta's picture
Lizabetta

I was in the same situation..however I didnt take anyones crap. In other words, I brought up my two step kids as I brought up my own. But then motherinlaw came into the picture and made a mess. So..what did I do? I moved out with my 7 year old son. My husband supports me and his son but we do not live together. We are a couple living in two different houses. I with our son and he with his spoiled now 17 and 18 year olds.

Mom3x's picture
Mom3x

I too feel your pain. My husband has 14 and 16 year old daughters. I too was so attracted to him because of what a wonderful Father he was. But, then when it became clearer how spoiled they were and how they did not want to do anything to be a part of our family life was not so smooth! At first he was very defensive but now he sees more clearly the issues we need to work out as a family. I have 3 children 8,12, and 16 and they love my husband and respect him and his word so it is a challenge that his girls are so resistant to accept me. But, I love this man and I know shortly the girls will be in college and we will have our time so I'm hanging in there for better or worse. Good Luck!

Jenni's picture
Jenni

For Better or for worse... yep.. I'm hanging in my situation too! I am somewhat the same as you "Mom3x" Married my husband kids then where with their mother full time, He was so good with them and they were respectful and playful (the were younger of course).. but then as years went by, things weren't so nice. Lucky, my husband now sees how how the daughter is. Before he thought it was just me and that I couldn't see any good in his kids. No.. now he sees and he understands. Like you she is 15, and we only have 3 more years of high school til she is out and off to college, and then we can enjoy the step-son and then we can enjoy our life! 3 years till she is out and off to her own life, and 6 years til the step-son is off to his. So I am in it for better and for worse(at least for 3-6 years) and then it will all be for the better.
Hang in there. I know at least for me it will be worth it, only because I love my husband dearly!!!!!!!

preyher's picture
preyher

Hi everyone, Step-parents especially,

I need some advice...Here it is I have a step-daughter who is kind, intelligent and very, very immature for her 13 years and completely helpless at making any type of decision on her own, or any type of deductive thinking (like where her (washed and rolled) socks might be found). She has no friends, but still does not seem to mind this...Her dad is overly fantastic, fixing her every nutritious meal, organizing her every activity (of which there are so many), spending every moment until she goes to bed making sure every night that she has showered, put on deodorant, brushed her teeth...(at 13). I have 3 grown daughters that I raised alone (single parent) and each of them knew how to do all of the above basics without my prompting by the time they were 8 years old.
Steve (not his real name) got full custody of his daughter when she was 8 and he 35 because her mother (he was never married to her or had even lived with her)had a meltdown and she lost custody of all her children - 3 kids, three different Dads) this was after he and I had been in a serious relationship for about 2 years. Prior to that he had been the 1,3,5 weekend fun Dad.

Soon I moved in, and we bought a house in a better school district for (Veruca...not her real name, but yes, as in Willy Wonka's..."Daddy I want a squirrel...Veruca.)

Although, I have gone back to school full time and also work full time...when I do have even one day off Steve wants me to do all the things that I have not had time to do "with Veruca"...not with each other...but wants me to "find something that will entertain Veruca". Yes, this is Steve's bust...in thinking that it is more important for me to make Veruca happy than for us to have some couple time...without a kid present. Even so, I can deal with that problem...which Steve cannot nor does not recognize as a problem at all...he is much to overwhelmed being the perfect father. Steve cannot see that his obsession with being the perfect parent is actually retarding his child's ability to grow as a person, and this imbalance is putting a strain on my emotional attachment to either one of them.

My problem is that I simply do not like Veruca...even when I spend time with her, her conversations are centered completely on herself, and if I ask her to help me with any household task...there is continuous sighing...and the job is only slightly done...I end up doing it myself. Believe me I have heard all this before from my girls when they were teenagers, but I also had some power as the MOM...If I say anything to Veruca...she runs and tells "Daddy" that I was being "just awful" to her. Also, as soon as Daddy comes in from work she runs to the door to greet him, jumping all over him literally and she tells him everything that I made her do...like she is Cinderella ...which then puts me in the role of ...you know who. Steve always looks at me very hostily after Veruca has related that I "made" her clean something and she didn't like it. Steve, loves the instant attention from Veruca when he comes in the door but will barely let me kiss him...he doen't like for us to kiss or show affection around Veruca. We also cannot have open discussions between he and I when Veruca is in the room...which is always. She includes herself in our every conversation, and Steve never tells her that he and I are having a private conversation. Even if I am telling him something vital and necessary...if Veruca (or WHEN Veruca) interrupts our conversation...he instantly is riveted on what she is saying and our conversation has immediately ended. I simply find other things to do...Steve does not even realize how rude that she or he has been.

I have a friend who is outspoken (but very kind and nice) and when I have mentioned to Steve that my friend will be visiting while he will be out playing his (3 nights a week) volleyball...Steve said, "I really do not think that is a good idea, Betty might say something around Veruca that she shouldn't hear." My friend may be outspoken but not crude. I was beyond flabbergasted. I told him then that Vercua could leave the room, and that she does not have to be right there when I have a guest over. Steve became very passively aggressively angry after that and refused to go to Volleyball, because I would not be spending the time with Veruca while he is out.

My first thought is that Steve is just plan...running in circles trying to be the perfect parent, but is in the process of being so close he cannot see that all his mighty efforts are harming Veruca's emotional and social maturity. That is something he will never see...blinded by love for his child...Well that's great and I can either deal with it and just wait for Veruca to go on to College.

My problem is how to not resent the kid while she is here...I find myself just gritting my teeth. Oh, yes...vacation. I haven't had a summer off from classes in 3 years, and I have 2 weeks of vacation time from work...Steve had decided that the family vacation will be renting a cabin in the mountains for a month...I reminded him that I at most will only be able to take 2 weeks off...and that I need to visit my daughters during that time. He said, Well Veruca will be very unhappy about that, she was looking forward to us all going. Now I will just have to cancel the cabin. I walked away slowly wondering what the hell I have gotten into here.
Help, I want this to be better, but I don't even know where to begin...

No private life, and dedicated to serving a teenage girl's every whim.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Oh, my, I can so relate to your situation. Add in the crazy bio-mom resurfacing and causing years of problems and that there were 3 stepdaughters. My ex told me he learned way too late when his children grew up and moved out that he had made many mistakes. Try to get your husband to go to therapy with you (mine did) and hope he is able to realize before it is too late that if he continues on this path he will lose his life partner. If I can be of any specific help to you, let me know. I sincerely hope your situation has a happier ending than mine did. After years of hard work and heartache, I had no choice but to let my marriage go.