mom_of_4's picture

How to juggle a blended family

Where do I start? Let's see. I have 2 sons from my first marriage. They are 8 and 10 years old. The oldest had a close relationship with his dad but not my 8 year old. Their dad just walked out of the picture for someone else and said he never wanted the responsibility of a family. That was 5 years ago. Since I have met my spouse now and we welcomed a baby boy 19 months ago and that really glued us all together. In a month we will be welcoming another baby boy. My spouses expectations of my first 2 children seem to be so high and sometimes he is not so tolerant. He is so great with them one minute and the next he has no patience. I am nervous with baby coming about how to juggle all 4 and have it be fair and none pushed out or treated differently.Has anyone been in a simiar situation? Can anyone offer advice on how to juggle and how to ensure that all is fair? We speak all the time about how it needs to be fair, but it is difficult for him. Needig advice and suggestions and general support...anyone out there?

tamz's picture

My advice to you is to relax a bit and not be so defensive of your boys. I too am part of a blended famiy and I tend to be way to defensive and think my Fiance is being too hard on my boy.

It is natural instinct to protect and defend our children and thank God your a normal, healthy mom instead of allowing your child to be hurt in order to 'keep a man'...

However, it can hurt the relationship between your husband and your sons if you cause your husband to resent the boys because you always "protect" them.

Try really hard to let him father the boys the way he feels is best as a dad and you parent them as best you can as a mom.

For example: My little boy bites his lip while westing his step-brother and starts to cry tears and all. My fiance says "oh stop crying, your being a cry-baby"... I have learned that it is best to allow him to be a dad even if I think it's okay to cry when you bite your lip... If I want to give him a piece of ice for his lip and tell him it will be okay then it's okay too for me to behave as a mother, but be careful to let your husband be a dad.

I hope this makes sense ... it's working for us.

acitez's picture

I know this family where the first husband died, the second husband is rearing his step-children and his own children -- with their mother. He does a really good job on the fairness thing, because he just thinks, "How would I want someone else to treat MY children if I were the one who had died?" Maybe you could help your husband try to develop a more generous perspective.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I'm not in a blended family, but I've learned in my family to not interfere w/ my husband in front of the kids. If we have a disagreement in how to handle the kids, I always take my husband aside and we discuss it. This is hard to do sometimes, but we both try.