olgavess's picture
olgavess

horrible mother


Hi I am new to this so bear with me.  I have recently moved to California from Virginia to live with my boyfriend.  Since my moving in we have acquired full custody of his 11 year old twin girls.  We were at the beginning sharing custody.  The mother of the girls is the most selfish person I have encountered.  She is a drug user and an alcoholic.  She refuses to work and subsequently spends her days drinking and thinking how to make my boyfriends and my life as miserable as possible.  She was pulled over by the police for driving under the influence while having the girls in the car.  She was picking them up from school. 


She has sent me horrible letters and has called me saying horrible things to me.  My boyfriend tells me to ignore her because she is sick and cant help herself but it is truly getting the best of me.  Now her boyfriend even calls me names. I truly dont know how to handle this without the support that is required.  I dont say anything because I dont want to jeopardize the girls welfare.  But I feel my boyfriend needs to step up to the plate and make a stand for what is important in his life, me and the girls and tel the wife to jump off a bridge.   The last time she was to pick the girls up for her scheduled visitation she cancelled and rescheduled only to show up 1 hour later then the pick up.  I refused to have the girls go with her because they were doing homework and I want her to learn that a when the Court Order says 3:30 it means 3:30 not when she wants to come.  Subsequently, she called the police while at my house screaming and cursing at me.  She told them I was holding her children at gun point.  I was mortified.  Nothing like this has ever happened to me even when I was marriend and going through an abusive marriage.  She expects us to repect her and do everything she says I feel we are in prison because we have full custody and she gets them on Tuesday for 3 hours and everyother weekend.  Which she never shows up for.  She refused to let us go on a vacation that ahas been planned since October long before we got full custody, last week because she has her weekday visitation after we told her she could see them any day we were home after we got back.  We finally just took the girls and went.  We are now waiting to see what she will do to us.  I am so scared the judge is going to take the girls away because we took them on a vacation they truly had begged their mother to let them go on. 


There are so many horror stories, but throughtout this the girls know that they are safe with their father and I and that we are giving them the stable environment that they will require to grow.


I need help and strength to be able to cope with this women and her insecurities.  Is she still in love with her children's father?  Will she do something to harm me?  I need guidance.  My boyfriend is a kind and wonderful man and we are meant for each other.  We have known each other our whole lives and were reacquianted by fate alone.  Any advice???


Olga



junieg's picture
junieg

I don't know too much about American laws but would imagine they are not too different from here in Britain. Could you not get what we call a restraining order against her and her boyfriend as you have full custody. I don't know how that would work with visitation rights though. I would think that if she is being abusive and threatening, the courts would take a very dim view of that. It doesn't sound as if she would be a very good influence on the children and although I would never normally want a child to be kept from a parent, I think in some cases it is the only appropriate action until she gets her act together. I would seek legal advice on this. I am sure that the courts would not wish to take the girls from the loving stable relationship they have with you and their father.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad


Olga, as a single father with custody, let me point out where you are making some mistakes. First of all it was not “we” who acquired full custody, it was in fact your boyfriend. Even if you were legally married, the law regards you as a “legal stranger”. As a step parent you would have no rights to these children. If something were to happen to your boyfriend tomorrow, the girls would go back to their mother.


Your attitude towards the mother is one that will hurt your boyfriends case should he find himself back in court. For you to withhold the girls from their mother during her court appointed visitation time, to teach her a lesson, is something that can come back and hurt your boyfriends case as well. Visitation time which is awarded to a parent is time for them and their children, whether they pick the kids up late, on time, or not at all is their prerogative. Unless the court order states that the mother must pick the children up by a certain time, or forfeit her visitation, your boyfriend could be found in violation of the court order. Too many violations could be grounds for a modification of custody.


It seems that you are struggling to prove to this lady that you have some type of authority, when in fact you have none. Her calling the cops was the right thing to do, the officers report is just what she needs to prove what she alleges in court. Should she choose to pursue this with the court this could work against your boyfriend.



As for the vacation, if this transpired during her visitation time that would be another violation of the terms of the court order. Whether the kids begged their mother to let them go or not, it was your boyfriends decision to violate the order. In the future if you want to go on vacation during the mothers time, your boyfriend needs to get it in writing from the mother that she agrees with the vacation, and have spelled out a solution to make up the days she misses with her children.


Until you have children of your own, you can never know the deep down love a parent has for their child. I think we can all agree that the mother has made some huge mistakes, but the courts do not feel that she has made any that would render her as being unfit. To not only lose custody of your children, but then to also have a non parent tell you when you can or cannot see your children, is enough to cause serious mental distress to the most level headed of people. In my opinion, you are playing with fire.


olgavess's picture
olgavess


Thank you for your response to my email.  First I think I need to begin by clarifying that I would never withold the children from their mother.  My boyfriend was away on business and the children's mother showed up on a day that was not her day and demanded to see the children.  I simply followed the orders given to me by my boyfriend and the court order.  When she called the police the police asked the children what they wanted to do and they indicated that because of the stress of listening to their mother screeming obsentities to me outside our house that they would prefer to go.  We/I encourage the children to visit with their mother whenever they want but the children are frightened of her because of the mental abuse.  She speaks poorly of their father and his family and drills them for information.  We on the other hand never spoke poorly of their mother and I have spoken with the children and explained that I am not their mother and will never be their mother I am only here to help make their lives in this difficult situation as great as possible. We have also have told their children that when their mother gets the help the courts have indicated she needs the kids will be going back.  She knows this is a temporary situation but yet she has gotten rid of all of their possessions.  The children no longer have a bedroom in their mothers house.  She gave away their beds and replaced their rooms with an office and a place for her antiques.  I take the girls to all of their activities as their mother has a court order allowing her the right not to participate in any extra circicular activities.  I am not hurting the children I am helping with all my heart.  I want these girls to grow up happy and healthy.  If their mother is a part of this process it would be wonderful.  But I feel their mother is making decisions that may not be reversable.  All I want is for her to get the help needed to allow the girls to feel comfortable with all the new people in their lives.    Please do not pass judgment on me for loving someone elses children as if they were my own.  I play a large part in these childen's lives.  I have restored the confidence that the girls need.  They come to me for advise and I give them appropriate advise with teh assistance of their father.  I do have three children who are grown and extremely well adjusted to the fact that they too unfortunately came from a broken home.  My daughter is married happily and my sons are both involved in great jobs and school.  I do know the hardships involved for all in a divorced home.  Thank you for allowing me to explain my life.  It is good for me to have people to talk to.  I understand your position and it appears you are very hurt with your present situation.  It takes a long time to get over divorce especially when there are childdren involved.  All they want is for their mom and dad to get along.  Honestly, I would like nothing more myself.  It is interesting that you should bring up the being a nobody in the children's lives.  I know that.  But for know I am someone.  I am the mother figure that their mother is not currently able to give them.  I will always be there for the girls at whatever capacity God wants me to be involved.  Thanks.  O

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

First of all, concerning my present situation, I am not angry with my divorce, or custody. I have custody of my children, and sole decision making. I know it would be convenient for you to view me as someone who is angry and that’s why I responded in such a way, but that’s not the case. What really gets to me is uninvolved parties thinking they have a place in between the mother and father of the children.


 


In your first post you stated the following:


The last time she was to pick the girls up for her scheduled visitation she cancelled and rescheduled only to show up 1 hour later then the pick up I refused to have the girls go with her because they were doing homework and I want her to learn that a when the Court Order says 3:30 it means 3:30 not when she wants to come.


In your reply you contradict yourself by stating:


First I think I need to begin by clarifying that I would never withhold the children from their mother. My boyfriend was away on business and the children's mother showed up on a day that was not her day and demanded to see the children.


You did attempt to hold the children from their mother. Who are you to teach their mother a lesson? First you say it was her day, then you say it wasn’t. Which one is it? Even if your boyfriend told you to violate the order it still comes back to him.


You also say:


We on the other hand never spoke poorly of their mother and I have spoken with the children and explained that I am not their mother and will never be their mother I am only here to help make their lives in this difficult situation as great as possible.


After you have already said:



The mother of the girls is the most selfish person I have encountered. She is a drug user and an alcoholic. She refuses to work and subsequently spends her days drinking and thinking how to make my boyfriends and my life as miserable as possible.


 


 


We have also have told their children that when their mother gets the help the courts have indicated she needs the kids will be going back.


So you never speak poorly of the mother, but you felt you should tell the kids that their mother will be seeking court ordered help? I wonder what a GAL would do with that bit of information?


 


I am not hurting the children I am helping with all my heart. I want these girls to grow up happy and healthy. If their mother is a part of this process it would be wonderful. But I feel their mother is making decisions that may not be reversable.


You make these statement and also say you are not trying to take their mothers place? Your actions speak louder.



It is interesting that you should bring up the being a nobody in the children's lives. I know that. But for know I am someone. I am the mother figure that their mother is not currently able to give them.


 


I never said that you were nobody in the children’s lives, what I said was the law regards you as a “legal stranger”. Yes, you are someone, but not someone with any authority over these two children. And certainly not someone the court will allow to continue violating a parents legal rights. Your attitude, and feeling of entitlement, is not going to work well for your boyfriend should he have to go to court. Judges see this all the time. I have seen a step mother reprimanded by a judge and told to leave the courtroom. The judge was furious that the new wife would interfere with a biological parents court appointed time. The judge told the father, and the mother, that the next time they come before him for a similar violation, he would at that time give serious consideration to the modification the mother was asking for.


 


Gail H. I just had an epiphany!!! Is this what you mean by parents should not start a new relationship until their children are grown??? If this is what you are talking about, I wholeheartedly agree. I am astounded at the over involvement, and feeling of entitlement being displayed here. I wonder if I just got lucky to find the person I am with. She stays completely out of the middle, and has never overstepped her boundaries.



olgavess's picture
olgavess

You are twisted my words and made them bad.  Please dont respond to me again

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

 This is an open forum. I am free to take part in any discussion placed on the board.  I used your own words in the context in which they were given. I twisted nothing. I merely showed the obvious contradictions between your two posts. If anyone believes I twisted your words they are free to scroll up and see for themselves.

tamz's picture
tamz

Olga,  I'm sure you only want some peace with things and I think your intentions are good.  I actually think that you could make your situstion better for yourself and everyone  if you just limited your involvement to how you interact with the kids when they are in you home.


 


 When it comes to making decisions for the kids, leave it to your boyfriend.If you could avoid even talking with the ex it would make things better.  You think you are trying to reason with her, but really you are just antagonizing her ... this only makes things more difficult. 


 


If you want some imput with the kids then offer it in private to only him and then leave it up to him and the mom to make the decision.  If the mom is unreasonable or drunk all the time as you say, then let dad interact with her, I'm sorry, but its not your place to do so.


 


Consentrate on building a strong friendship with the kids and making your home environment the way you want it to be.  Remember, you are not their parent so you don't have to make all the decisons for them.


 


 

junieg's picture
junieg

Olga, I wish you well. Good luck with what you have to do. It isn't easy I know. You appear to want whats best for those children.
Single dad, you can be very pedantic with people. Are you a lawyer or something. You often make it sound like you are cross-examining and judging someone in a witness box.  And all the bold print!.

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad


Junieg, Thank you for your reply, and your question. Maybe it would have been better if I had simply told her that she was doing a great job and that I wished her well. The fact is she needed to hear the truth. No matter how great, or sincere her intentions she was/ is interfering with the relationship between a parent and child. I’m sure you would become quite pedantic if it were your child being kept from you. Even though you have a judges order stating when you may see your child, your ex’s new love interest will not allow it. What parent worth their salt would stand back and allow that to happen unchallenged? The freedom of speech is one that must be protected even when we don’t like what is being said. In the same sense, we must protect parents rights to their children, even if we believe they have made some mistakes along the way.


Am I a lawyer? No, I am a father who’s parental rights were tested by a third party. I had to learn to look up laws, write declarations, and which motions to file. Because I would not allow my rights to be eroded, because I would not allow a third party to take my children, I eventually prevailed. It is obvious you have never been in such a situation. To have your children one wall away from you, and a non parent tells you that you cannot see them, that you cannot even hug your child. If there is anything worth fighting for it is our rights as parents. I will not coddle the very people who challenge these rights.


The bold print was to allow the reader to decipher between the posters words and mine. If you notice, it was not my words that I bolded. Now you know what makes me tick.


junieg's picture
junieg

Yes. Thanks.