diverted's picture
diverted

Hers, Mine....and Ours? Help.

I have been VERY happily remarried for 2 years.  I have 4 children from my first marriage (10,8,6,5),  who are over for the normal visitation type schedule.  She has one daughter from her first marriage (5) born essentially the same time as her divorce.

All that being said, believe it or not, we are quite happy and harmonious.  The only 'issue' is that she wants to have a child with me.  Even though my 4 kids are over quite often...she still feels that 1) she has only had one child, and always imagined having another, 2) she feels this is an important bond she wants to share with me 3) she had a horrible 'baby' experience the first time as she was all alone with no suport and nobody to share the excitement with. 4) she feels i deserve to at least have one child that is with us all the time...one that I don't have to give up.

This all makes sense to me...but here is the complication.  I don't want another baby!  I have already had a vasectomy that would need to be reversed.  We have FIVE KIDS when they are all together already.  We wouldn't even fit in our 7 passenger mini-van with another child!  I can't help but feel that while in concept it seems very sweet and natural, and I can very easily imagine having a child with her, picking out nursury decorations, naming a baby, etc...in the end it would be extremely stressful, extremely expensive, and ultimately..could be bad for us.  Since I'm the one with 4 kids....this makes me feel like a bad guy.  I feel like she deserves to have another child!!!  So I'm torn...

And here is the real kicker.  I am crazy about my wife, and expect to be married to her for 60 years...BUT...i felt the same way during my first marriage, and she left, cheated, took my four kids, and tried to deny my basic visitation rights with lies that I had to have sorted out by the court system, courty psychologist, and CPS..which did happen eventually.  I have to be honest....I really don't want even the slightest chance of someday fighting over one of my babies again, and that isn't going to happen at all..if I don't have another.  On top of that, I am crazy about my kids.  Their mother has already had 2 more with her new husband, and I have to admit..I kind of like the idea that these 4 will always be my only kids, and that while at home, they have to contenct with two new siblings...with me, they are everything and all I have.  Are these aweful perceptions for me to have?

Help.

 



junieg's picture
junieg

Yes, I can understand totally where your wife is coming from when she says she wants this baby, but I can also see it from your point of view. As you have had a vasectomy already, what are the chances that she could get pregnant if you have it reversed. I thought it was pretty slim, but things may have improved on that front since I last read about it. Please don't feel like a 'bad guy' because you are not. You have had a bad experience with marriage and that is bound to colour your judgement.
I really don't know what the answer is here, but please don't feel guilty. I think you are being reasonable.

diverted's picture
diverted

Thanks. I am 32, and from what I understand...due to my age, and the relatively little time I have add the vasectomy...the odds of reversing it are actually fairly high if we decided to go that route.

This really is a tough issue. Unlike anything I have faced in my first marriage, and anything else with this one. She litteraly lies in bed and quietly cries at times, becuase she wants this so bad. I understand that this is really an expression of just how much she cares for me tha she wants to do this....so I'm very honored by how strong she feels about it. But I just can't get past the above stated points. We both work...she have to stop for some time, we'd have to spend around $10k on the vasectomy reversal, we would have an entire new set of logistical issues on our hands when coordinating with our ex's, our jobs, our schedules, etc. I'm sure ALL of this could be worked out..but at what price? How much stress and complication would it have...and ultimately....what price would that take on us? I sincerely feel that my ex's breakdown was due to stress of having 4 small kids close in age. I don't think her actions helped....but I do think the toll made her feel somehow that a change would help her. I don't want to place my wife under this stress...even if in her mind right now she just sees us holding our own baby, taking pictures, pushing a stroller, etc.

junieg's picture
junieg

Yes, I know it can be hard for her. I have 4 children. Three were grown up when I divorced their father. I stayed married so that my children would have a father because I didn't. My father left my mother before I was born. I wanted them to have what I couldn't have. By the time my 4th child was born, my other 3 were adults. I had had enough of my husbands drunken abuse and finally got free. I met my partner who is a wondeful man. He has helped me raise my son from the time he was 4. He is now nearly 19. He says my son is the child he would have wished for if he had one.
I had often thought in the past that I would love to have a baby with this man, and that this baby would be so loved because we love each other so much, and he is a wonderful role model for any child. But then I think of the realities. For a start there is the added expense. I know it sounds mercenary to bring expense into an equation such as a baby, but it is important. It would totally change your lifestyle. If you already have 5 between you, then this could be the straw that breaks the camels back. Wonderful though babies are, they are expensive wee things. Added to that as you say will be the cost of the reversal, and if it works, then losing your wifes salary, or hiring childcare.
I feel so sad for your wife if she cries herself to sleep, but I feel she is not really facing up to reality. Is there some sort of counselling you could both have to resolve this issue?
I am now a grandmother and past the age for having children, but I went back to college and got the qualifications I need to be an Early Years Practitioner. Now I can spend the rest of my working life with children, and I have my 3 wonderful grandchildren to care for and love. I can't remember how old your youngest child is, but maybe working with children would be an option for your wife. I know it is not the same as having your own one, but might just help.

diverted's picture
diverted

You bring up a good point though. I often wonder if years down the line....when we are far past this decision...I'll regret that we didn't do this. Will I look at her in our old age and feel sad I denied this to her?

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

I was in a similar situation with my 2nd husband, only it was him who wanted the baby together. He had 3 and I had 2 so we were 5 also. He wanted to have a baby together for the same reasons as your wife and I did not for all the same reasons as you. As it turned out we ended up apart and eventually divorced for many reasons. His children had, and as they became teens developed, many issues, some from their mother and some from her having another child. His children ended up feeling fragmented as a result. I felt the children did not need yet another stressor to add to their very full plates. You are being sensible and practical. If I had given in as I very nearly did, I would have been a single mother with 3 children to raise on my own with all the complications thereof. I know it is difficult, but you are so right.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Having a baby is a joint decision. Although I'm not in your situation, I've experienced a bit of what your wife is feeling. My husband and I have 2 children (neither of us have been married before), and I went through a stage of wanting another baby. My husband does not want to go through all that again now that we finally have our kids out of diapers and sleeping through the night. I can understand that as I somewhat feel the same way, but part of me still feels that I'm not done. Maybe it's a woman thing, I don't know. I even cried when I had to give away my sons' baby clothes! I'm sure your wife can relate to that. Anyway, I still think that if you both can't agree on this, then your wife needs to respect your decision. You are happily married, and the last thing you want is to be caught in a stressful situation that can easily put strain on your marriage for many reasons. Having a baby is a big responsibility, and you need to see the whole picture. I'm not saying that you cldn't make it work if you decided to have another baby, but the reality is it takes a lot of work. I find that men seem to think more realistically, while women are more emotional about these issues. You and your wife have each other, and you also have children from your previous marriages. Together you have created a family that is commited to one another. Find fulfillment in what you have, and focus on building a beautiful future for yourselves and your family. Best of luck!

tamz's picture
tamz

that was beautiful stated concerned... I have been reading the responses to this post and did not know what to say. I sometimes long to have a child with the man i love and at the same time i KNOW that is not a good idea. I can see your wifes desire to have a child with you - I think this desire is intate. Take the advice given to find fulfillment in the wonderful family that you already have.

diverted's picture
diverted

You all have made some great points. I hate feeling pessimistic...but part of me thinks; have the baby and I may have a happy wife, but 5 kids that are even more fragmented than now. I mean...today, my kids leave their mother's house with 2 siblings to come here with their step sibling. I worry about making them feel somewhat like the outside kids over time. The only ones who do not stay with mom and dad...always getting shuffled back and forth...and since there are 4 of them..likely missing out on little things that are somewhat easier to do when they are gone (go out to eat, etc.). AND if that is compouned by my wife feeling more jealous of them, and more biased against them with a new baby around...i can't help but see a hard situation.

Then again...maybe I am over estimating this impact. I wonder....does anybody ever really regret having a child together in the long wrong? Isn't is precisely these kinds of things that people take pride in later in life, above their financial sistuaitons, stress, etc.? Shouldn't we have the opportuinty to talk and think about the child WE had togethet....same as everyone else?

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

You still sound torn. Give this more time. Whatever you do, though, don't rush into a decision just to please your wife. This is a HUGE decision that you need to make together. Maybe in time, one of you will change your thinking, and then you can make a more rational decision. Until then, focus on what you already have. I have a thought, and I'm curious. Do you think you are more concerned about the financial aspect and stress of having another baby as you mentioned before, or is it more about your fear of losing this child if you ever had to fight for him/her in a custody battle? I know you mentioned this concern before, and I was wondering how strongly your stance is based on that concern. It is very evident that you love your wife, but it is also evident that you are realistic. Did you discuss these feelings w/ you wife in detail? Maybe, in a way, she feels like you don't trust her and your relationship b/c of your past experience w/ your ex-wife. If that's the case, and this is an insecurity in yourself, you shld maybe consider counseling to help sort through these feelings. You sound very commited to one another, and I believe you both want your relationship to last. Talk to your wife and really tell her how you feel. Be 100% honest. I know you don't want to see her hurt b/c you love her, but she too has to understand how you feel as well.

tamz's picture
tamz

There are so many children in this world without any parents. I find it kinda sad when I hear about dillemas such as yours when there is a little child sleeping on a rock with flies in his/her eyes and no food. I sometimes think if a person wanted to do something meaningful with his/her spouse, why not give a life to a child who is already alive. Another child in your life would just take more time away from your kids who are already making so many sacrafices. I think in some ways you and your wife are being selfish. I really hate to be mean, but why not give your time and attention to the children you already have?