kim_email's picture

help I love her but don't want to spend time with her

I have raised my stepdaughter since she was 5.  Her biological mother was young and lived in another state.  They didn't have much contact.  When I first met my husband my stepdaughter wouldn't take her mothers calls and would ask me to be her mother.  I told her that her mother lived (State) ___ and that I am her (my name)___.  She asked her mother if she could call me mom and she said yes.  We became mother and daughter in all senses of the word.  She has graduated from high school now and is very successful.  Since graduation, a big affair because she did so well, her mother is more involved in her life (which is good) but she never calls me anymore. She talks with her other mother every day.  When we do talk it seems very fake and she often lies about what she is doing if she thinks I won't like it.  Even if it is minor.  Nothing feels sincere with her.  She won't call me "mom" infront of her other mom anymore.  I have decided to do the "if you love something set it free" and hope that we will have that closeness again.  For now it hurts too much when I am around her and I find myself avoiding contact.  Any advice and do you think I am doing the right thing by giving her space or am I being weak by not confronting the problem?  If I confronted her what would that change?  I can't make her want to feel close to me.

tamz's picture

I think you should follow your intuition. If you get the desire to call your step daughter then pick up the phone and give her a call. Don't avoid her because that will not help... it will only distance you further. If she is not honest with you about what she is doing it is because she does not trust that you will advocate what she is doing. If she does not call you mom in front of her mother it is for her mother's sake not to hurt you. Don't take it personal, this is not about you, it's about your stepdaugher and her mother. Letting her have her space is not the same as abondoning her. Be available if she needs you.

2xstepmom's picture

Good advice from tamz. Your stepdaughter will come back around. It is a compliment to you that she trusts that you will continue to be there for her. Hang in there and enjoy the relationship you are able to have.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Now that your stepdaughter has her bio mom back in her life, she has a lot of new feelings and things to sort through for herself. Give her time. She will always be your daughter in her heart and in yours.