xbel4262's picture

Frustrated with Living Situation

I've been living with my boyfriend for 5 years. When we got together, both my son and daughter were living on their own already. He has two kids, his son was out of the house as well with the exception of his college daughter who came home on weekends, spring, summer and christmas breaks. My son lost his job and lost a roommate too, therefore, needing to move in with us. My boyfriend had to dismantle his office to make it a room for my son. My son is 24, has gotten two DUI's which has brought on major expenses from it. He's straightened his life out but still is in debt because of it. He was unemployed and collecting unemployment when he moved in. Prior to my son moving in, my b/f and I fought cause he just wants it to be us and his daughter had just graduated college and at the time her time living with us was short. So he saw freedom right at his fingertips. My son's situation killed that. Well my b/f's attitude has been not so pleasant, where you can feel the tension in the air. He wanted my son to find a job and he did, but the pay is less than unemployment which really the boy just can't get ahead and save to move out. Now his daughter has moved out just a few days ago, and the tension feels worse. I tried talking to him and his overall response is that he knows he has to "take it", and said, "Now you want me to take with a smile?" He doesn't want his reaction to get in the way of our relationship, which I've been dealing with but no matter what I say or how I tell him I feel. He just plain RESENTS my son living with us. Complains about how much he eats (my son is a body builder) and he saw him have one beer a couple of days ago and my son showed him all his protein shakes he bought and how he bought in bulk to save money) and last night my b/f when son is at work, told me how he thinks it's wrong how he can buy all that crap and not buy a loaf of bread. My son tries to make small talk with him and he only responds with short answers. Now my son knows that he is not wanted in the home, and my b/f basically told him that he knows he hasn't handled his moving in very well and that he's basically not a very personable person. He justs wants my son to clean up after himself and be kind of invisable at home. You see, his daughter always stayed in her room or went out with friends, basically invisible to him and he liked that. She also knew that is what her Dad preferred. I knew he had his baggage and he knew I had mine. Why is it, that it was okay for 4-1/2 years of me having to deal with his daughter and now he's caused so much tension with my son living at home. His response it that his daughter was part-time and my son is not. This is not good at all. My b/f's anger towards my son is not good. Prior to all this our relationship was wonderful, and his claim is that we got together and this was not about kids but about us. I just have a bad feeling this are going to escalate and not in a good way. HELP

Sister83's picture

Your boyfriend should at least be cordial and pleasant to your son. You can't really expect someone that you are living with to be invisible. On the other hand, I understand your boyfriend's frustration. I'm sure he was looking forward to having some alone time. You can bring up about his daughter, but I think a college student coming home on weekends and summers is a slightly different situation.

While everyone needs a break once in a while to get back on their feet, your son is an adult. If he can't save enough money with one job, he needs to get a second job. He needs to put an add up on craigslist for a roommate and move out as soon as possible. I don't mean to be harsh, but if he has a job, why can't he save any money? What is he spending his money on, if not rent and food? It seems he should have enough to move out within a few months...

It wouldn't be at all unreasonable for you to ask your son to pay some rent and/or food. Your boyfriend's observation about him buying the protein shakes and not chipping in for groceries is pretty reasonable. You could even save the rent/food money he gives you and give it to him to move out after a few months.

Maybe it would relax your boyfriend a little bit if you gave him a timetable for when your son should move out. You should tell your son what your expectations are, too. If you let your son live with you for too long, and not pay any bills etc., you are hurting-not helping-him.