Jenni's picture
Jenni

Do they know what they are doing?

Alright.  this is part confusion and frusration talking.  I want to know how many of you out there, that have diffcut relationships with the step children, and I guess even those that have good relationships with the kids. 

I want to know if ya'll think these kids that we have difficulty with, have hard relationsips with, have attitude and talking back problems with,; that are in the 13 to 18 years of age know what they are doing or if it is hormones and or a divice they use because they are afraid to accept us, the step-parent.

What are the thoughts???



tamz's picture
tamz

When families combine, there is a major adjustment period. It is hard to "move on" when it was always biomom and biodad (who they love)and now they have to adjust to a new person coming into their life. I think it tougher for teens to adjust. "step" parents might not think like the kids or have personality clashes. There might be new rules or new traditions or elimination of old traditions. Combining two families is hard work for parents and children. Kids might also feel like they need to prove loyalty to the bioparent. It takes an open minded kid who is willing to work hard for the good of the family to make this situation work. I don't know if those are common traits for teens.

Jenni's picture
Jenni

I understand the open mindedness. One is much more easy going and wants everyone to be happy and then the girl well, that is different. What I still have an issue with is that I have been in their lives for 8 years now! For the past 2 almost 3 they have been living with Bio-dad and myself, but regardless, it's not like we just got married, it will be 8 years in May. They should have adjusted to me by now! Don't you think??

tamz's picture
tamz

I copied the following advice from anotherdiscussion board .. thought it might help....

Do you remember how horribly confusing and hormone filled 14-18 were for you as a girl? I do. Looking back now, I can honestly say that the disrespect and manic tamper I displayed were a cry for someone to teach me how to control what was going on inside my mind and body. My advise is to look for a way to help her. Possibly a mediator, such as a family or child therapist. When you say "therapist" everyone gets defensive and thinks that they have a problem. There is nothing abnormal about your child. However, if you want to get through to her without her resentment toward you, you may need someone you both trust to mediate. In the meantime, don't ease up on the punishments because you feel her pain. Be creative with your punishments, don't use the simplest things. Try things like if you can't speak to me with respect, you won't talk on the phone or computer to your friends for the rest of the day. And don't make the punishment fit your anger. If you are so mad that you tell her no more telephone or computer for the rest of the week, you won't have that punishment to use the next time....you used up the whole week! Good Luck

Jenni's picture
Jenni

I am fine with the thought of a therapist, however, my husband isn't. He is seeing a little more every time that maybe she does need someone to talk to, to get her haterid out, but nothing close to making any appointments yet.

I just wish I knew if she knew what she was doing or if it is hormones and a coping thing. It would make it easier on my heart! Because I never know if she is meaning to be rude and respectful and see past me, or that it's a teenage thing. Because my heart is somewhat becoming a wilted flower.

tamz's picture
tamz

Im no expert, but I think it is about her not you. She does not consider how she makes you feel she only knows/cares about how SHE feels. I think it is a combination of age, upbringing and horomones. I bet she is not trying to hurt you but she is also not trying to avoid hurting you. It's all about her OWN feelings. Most likely she does not even consider how you feel. Don't take it personal. She is selfish...

Jenni's picture
Jenni

What you just said I"ve heard before. That it's not about me, to be honest she doesn't care about me or my feelings, just hers. She is selfish.

So here is a question to you, the non-expert...but a wise woman, Do I confront her and tell her how she is making me feel, or do I let it go?

tamz's picture
tamz

Well, I still don't know how old she is, but I don't think you can let it go if it is making you this sad/upset/angry. I also don't know what kind of relationship you have built with her. Does she trust that you want her to be happy or does she think you are out to get her? I firmly believe in communication and I also believe that people treat you the way you let them treat you. So i guess I am trying to say YES talk with her. However, you should analyze first how you will deliver the message and consider the various responses you might get. Don't make the conversation about how bad she is when she is disrespectful, make it about how you feel when she is disrespectful. Hope this makes sense!!!

Jenni's picture
Jenni

It makes sense, yes. I'm just afraid that if I do tell her how I feel when she is deisrpectful, that she will think to herself.."Good, it's working, I will keep doing what I am doing." She is a very manipulitive girl. She is 15, and the relationship on weather she thinking I'm out to get her.... well from the past years, I'd say she doesn't want me in her life, considering a year ago she told us that she didn't even want to be in the wedding. (That will be 8 years ago in May). So no she doesn't care about my feelings are if I'm miserable all she cares about is herself. She is manipulitive and selfish and concided.

tamz's picture
tamz

At 15, you have a long time to go before she is out of the house. Maybe you should talk with your husband first. Tell him you want to repair your relationship with his daughter. Tell him you think couseling would add a different dynamic than the things you have already tried. You should be trying to find a way to like her. <--- hardest part) You can't make things work if you harbor resentment toward her. She will not be the one to work toward harmony so you have to be. If you feel she will use your feelings against you (i have heard other parents say this before) then start by trying to rebuild and change the way you deal with her. Try to find things good in her even if it's just tiny things. Talk with your husband, tell him you need his help and that you want to try to find peace in your home/family

Jenni's picture
Jenni

We have talked, and he is a help. He understand completely because she can be a royal something to him also. I think she is convenced that her bio-mom and dad will get back together and she is convenced of this because her bio-mom has told her that she'd like to get back together. Dad has told her it won't happend and dad has told ex-wife that also, but she doesnt say anything. She has told the kids that if they can't call there step-dad dad then it isn't fair that they call me mom, so they have stopped only because mom has complained about it. She is what is keeping her daughter from having a relationship with me, a desent relationship with me. The son, oh.. he is good, he wants to be happy and have love, bio-mom doesn't give much to him she gives it all to the daughter, that is why i don't have issues with son, only the daughter. Well... thanks and i'll keep putting things out there and keep looking for advise. Thanks