heatherp's picture
heatherp

Dealing with Bio-Mom as family is merging

I have been with my fiancee for five years, but we have only recently become engaged. In all of the time that we have been dating, his ex-wife has never expressed any concerns about me with the kids, but recently has become "concerned" that I am "cruel" to their 13 year old son. Now of course, the 13 year old is a typical, moody adolescent and he doesn't like much right now, including me. While, I understand this, she does not and is saying some hurtful things right now that are making me angry. Any advice on how to deal with her and with the teen without making things worse?



acitez's picture
acitez

Invite her out to lunch (your treat) and ask her how she wants you to handle problems with her son. Then listen. It could be that just having the discussion with her will change the dynamic with the boy--" oh no, the grownups are ganging up on me!"

stepgirlfriend's picture
stepgirlfriend

It kind of depends on the ex's mental health. I suppose she is upset that he is remarrying perhaps? Does she spend time with the 13 year old? You could also tell her if you speak with her about the difficulties her son is having or better ask your fiancee to handle this with her and enlist his help. After all, it is his ex wife and his children's mother i.e could he tell her how difficult the 13 year old behavior is and that you are doing your best; that it's important to all try and work together to help him. Try to spend special time with the 13 year old doing something he likes to do and try to bond with him. I don't know, just some ideas. Good luck. Happy Holidays PS. I would try and stay away from her as much as possible.

heatherp's picture
heatherp

Well, I'd love to take the advice of "aceitez", but unfortunately, she thinks that I am not worthy to be spoken to even if her concerns are with me.... So I guess I'll just have to take the advice of "stepgirlfr" and let it ride. She is being pretty illogical in not realizing that she's only hearing the bad and none of the good. I'm just having a hard time being overanalized for my small mistakes and under thanked for my successes. In speaking with many friends and family members I have learned that this is normal, it's not going to go away and I kind of just need to ignore her and do my best. So, that's probably what I'll do. Thanks for the advice!

stepgirlfriend's picture
stepgirlfriend

Your welcome, don't let her get to you and you'll be happier for it. Your husband doesn't sound like he is helping as he may feel caught in the middle but he could support you with the children a bit, I understand step children look at us as the symbol of their lost family, thus I haven't married my boyfriend (not that he has asked) 3 1/2 years by the way. It is normal for the kids to treat you this way but you should not be abused either. I wish you the best and a Happy Healthy New year!

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Yes, this is normal, but should not be for the sake of the children. In 2 1/2 yrs my husband's ex has never spoken one word to me in person. The few times she has talked to me when I have answered the phone, it was in a rude manner. When I am sitting in the car 10 feet away she will talk to my husband about me like I am not there. I was raised to be polite and it was not difficult to always be civil to my children's stepmother even before the marriage. We have had many conversations and she even called me a few times when going through teen issues with her own daughter.

It is confusing and fragmenting for a child to see or hear their parent disrespecting a person who is a part of the child's life. At times my stepsons are fine then they will go behind my back and tell their father I said something I did not say. Both boys have tried to start problems between me and my husband or between their mother and my husband and/or me. We confront the behavior immediately and call them out to their mother. She still believes them even though when they told us she and his oldest son were beating his younger son, we went to her right away. He never had any marks on him and eventually admitted they lied, but it is like that never happened. It is tough to be a step-parent in nearly all cases.