gerbera's picture
gerbera

boyfriends son has no boundaries

I'm at my wits end, please help!
I met my boyfriend last feb. He works away alot and i see him most fri-sun but i dont mind because I love him. I moved in with him last year which was a big commitment for me as I've been divorced for ten years and have no family back up but happy cos I felt ready. We also got a bigger place because where i was single before, there wasnt enough room for my 19 year old son and his 7 year old son, who visits every weekend. I have a good relationship with my son, he doesnt stay alot but cos of his age - studies, girlfriend, part time job etc, I understand. I have also worked with children for over 8 years now.My boyfriend's son stays over every saturday til sun afternoon and i totally support this naturally. However,there have been alot of problems. My boyfriend comes down every friday about 4pm and we eat, maybe a glass of wine, watch a movie and spend quality time together but cos we're both tired this time only lasts til bout 10pm. I have and continue to support my boyfriend even though in the time we've been together, he has been away for long spells sometimes but again, i love him and also appreciate that he wants to spend quality time with his son, i understand as a mum that kids come first but the first problem was after he had been away for 4 months last year, every weekend and still now, his son has toilet problems - he poos himself or goes to the toilet alot an its always the runs and a big clean up. Incidentally his diet is very poor as with everything else, he gets what he wants so he only eats what he wants to eat which is usually crisps, chips, fizzy pop, both back at home with mum and with dad when he's with us. I tried encouraging my boyfriend to help him improve his diet but that resulted in crocodile tears an arguments with my bf cos he 'just wanted to chill at the weekends and get no grief an didnt want to feel bad towards his son'! So cos of the arguments i backed off, even though as a mum i knew he should have boundaries. Whenever i did pursue the toilet problems every single weekend and question why he hasnt been taken to the doctors i just got backlashes. His ex apparently took him to docs an first it was a 'hernia' then he brought medicine one week that was for constipation, a year old and just a spoonful missing! The final straw was when my ex told me his ex gives him a laxative every friday night! We had a hugeeeee row cos i am concerned about the child's health but everyone else seems to be burying their head in the sand. Because of the vindictive backlashes i got from my ex i decided to back off, which is hard when that child is in my home every week! Iv tried offering my bf to take him to the docs himself but thst didnt work.The other issue is that overall the child is spoilt, which, is none of my business but my bf lets him stay up til 11pm every sat night when hes with us and i resent this because, like i said, dont begrudge him time with his son, but we hardly get 'our time' as it is. I've tried to discuss this constructively and im made to feel bad for it. - ' i rushed my son to bed because of you......i rush my son home early on a sunday because of you' even though the actual rrason is because he needs to do homework or another reason based on himself! he gets his back up an defensive because hes questioned and childish because he just wants to do what he wants an same with his child. Iv tried to give advice but he takes it in a different context, although im never pushy or interfering, just wanting to equal everything and have a happy balance for everyone. I just feel like im treading on eggshells every weekend an if i say anything towards his son he'll just turn it around an make me feel bad for asking. Although, after his son goes to bed late, he still expects me to give him 'bed time' so when i make an excuse he sulks an i know he does. He is a little childish an i understand as iv said to him that hes had a long time when its just been him an his son doing what they want but he seems to be the only person in the world that doesnt realise of future consequences this may all have, for him and his son and for us. I have tried everything now tried doing stuff as a family at weekends, i don’t step back cos i understand its hard for the boy, all the changes etc in the hope my bf will naturally start to consider me a bit more too and that im not being unreasonable or selfish,but now feel like im being taken for granted and feel like anything i say or do is turned round to make me feel rubbish and im tearful every sunday when he leaves again! Any new tactics/advice etc pleeeeeeease!?



mayamay's picture
mayamay

Talk about your concerns with someone on the staff at the child's school.

Waterfirefly's picture
Waterfirefly

Similar position and starting to dislike the step son. I have no idea how to help my boyfriend or his son, they cant see a problem with no discipline, eat what you like (at first this meant i cooked another meal, now i say there is nothing else and no dessert), extreme rough housing bruising and blood drawn, son does not recognise my home as mine, would rather spend all day on xbox,turns on the crocodile tears to get what he wants, regression in behaviour, boasting, etc.

Waterfirefly's picture
Waterfirefly

Talking to my boyfriend leads to 'well yours isnt perfect either!' type comments. I am not a perfect parent but I am consistent with manners, discipline and encouragement having my own two children and five nephews.

All things have been tried, now its 'you can do whatever dad says, eat, stay up as late and play what you like' in silent mode, kinda stand back and let them both see that somethings they like to do may not be for the best, ie hotdogs, pizza, coke, lollies and icecream for breakfast, lunch and dinner might make you throw up by sunday afternoon. as long as its not in the house or the car and i dont clean it up, its all good.

good luck :)