notaperfectmom's picture
notaperfectmom

boyfriends daughter spolied...need help

I'm a 35 yr old mom of 2 boys...17 and 10. My boys have been through alot in life so far...bio dad got into crack, moved away with no contact for a 5 yr span with the boys...he cleaned up and has started a new relationship with them in the past year. But during those 5 years i bagan a new relationship and after together for 4 years we got engaged, the boys adjusted very well and chose to call him dad, they bonded well. His daughter and ex were a problem to our family balance and caused alot of issues that i had a hard time dealing with. We seperated a year ago. I was single until this past november. My new boyfriend has a 7 yr old daughter that shares the same parental history as my boys except it was her mother that got into crack. since her mothers (so called sober for a year) clean-up she has started spending more time with her. his daughter is very spoiled cuz dad has always compensated by giving her what she wants when she wants. He says he's working on it...and has asked me to point things out that need work but then he just defends. he also defends his ex in certain matters. yes i know that i can see more flaw in others kids than my own, but i worked hard at raising my boys to be the wonderful young men they are today. i have a problem with his daughters jealousy to me taking some of his time. we dont live together so but she throws tantrums and pouts and he calls her baby and answers her in a whiny "oh baby whats wrong" tone. drives me nuts. i need help!! my ten yr old boy is being forced to spend time with her as he does not like her pouty ways, i disagree in making him do so. she is stealing and disrespecting everyone including teachers, always sent to the office because she has vandelized or just not listening to instruction at school. i want to help him raise her to be a well mannered child but i myself am struggling. i just want to spank her!!! please offer some advise if you have any. i suggested counseling for her and for us as a family if that is truly what we want to be successful as. his response was "but i dont see these problems that you do"



mayamay's picture
mayamay

It sounds to me like combining your families would not be a good thing for your children.

Sister83's picture
Sister83

This is going to come across as rude, but I'll be honest and say that I think you are being unreasonable.

From an outsider's perspective your comments about your past bf's duaghter throwing off the balance of "our family" and your inability to understand that it is natural for a 7 year-old daughter of a crack addicted parent to be needy or jealous that her father is spending time with another person are very telling.

Whoever you date most likely will (and should) put their children first.

I really hate to hear people struggling, especially those like yourself who have worked so hard and come out of tough situations... but just try to imagine if the situation were reversed.

notaperfectmom's picture
notaperfectmom

Thank you for your input.
I know that it may seem as though I'm being selfish, and maybe I am but life is too short for piddly squables....I just want it to work for everyone. She is a very good girl when she is with me, but the minute dad is around she whines and pouts until she gets her way, those are the things i hope to see get better. Ive been a loving, caring but disciplinary mother to my own children and it has instilled greatness in my boys, i get alot of compliments. I want the same for him....to be proud of raising a child so well under such tough circumstances.
It really is the most fulfilling feeling a parent can have.

mayamay's picture
mayamay

Sometimes things don't work out for everyone. Life is too short. Unless he wants to pay the price, you will just be manipulating him and his daughter to get what you want. Show him the door. Move on.

Sister83's picture
Sister83

Well, you could try a bit more to convince him to go to counseling. Tell him that the fact that you pereceive a problem should be enough to go to counseling... it doesn't matter if he thinks that there is a problem or not. The "problem" (even if he thinks you are imagining it) is creating real issues in your relationship that need to be resolved.

Good luck to you.

notaperfectmom's picture
notaperfectmom

I'm not wanting to give up what i think could be great for both families....thank you for your advise Sister83. I'll keep you posted if any progress.