SarahG04's picture

Boyfriends daughter...

My boyfriends daughter is 11 yrs old. We have been dating for little over a year now. Just recently she has started I think is jealousy. She has become very bossy and demanding. I just started taking up for myself because I didn't want to step on any toes, but he is very supportive of me.

I know this could just be a normal hormonal 11 year old, but its hurting my feelings and I am feeling resentment towards her. Which I do not want to happen. Any advice? I just don't understand why she is actting this way.

Dittomom's picture

If you have a boyfriend with an 11 year old daughter yes it's hormonal and you're invading her territory. Unless you're in this relationship for life get out now before you hurt her badly. If you're in it plan more bonding time together even if it's in the kitchen teaching her how to cook and clean and helping her be more mature.

acitez's picture

She needs her daddy. You might want to consider backing off, letting her have undiluted time with her dad for the next few years while she goes through all the difficulties of adolescence. It isn't about your relationship with her dad, it's about her growing up. If the adults want to go on a date once a week, let her have a sleep-over with a friend. If your boyfriend has an ex-wife with visitation/custody, take your time with him when it is not the daughter's time with him.

tamz's picture

I bet you are a little surprised to hear people give you advice such as "back off" and "get out", but I hope it helps you to understand just how important this father/daughter relationship is in comparison to your boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

If you are serious about this man, I don't beleive you need to completely sacrafice your relationship with him in order to preserve his relationship with his daughter. However, you must understand that his child comes first. In the end, if you don't understand this, you will destroy your relationship with him anyway and also damage the bond he is building with his daughter. 11 years old is a critical time!

Allow this child tons of alone time with her dad and take the advice to schedule time with him when his daughter is not around. Also keep an open mind and heart. Jealousy is not just natural for a adolecent child, it is natural for you too. When you have these feelings you should recognize it and keep you mouth shut. Think things through for 24 hours before you address any issues and always remember she is HIS child and not yours.

Blending families is one of the hardest things you will ever do in your lifetime. Don't be selfish or it will NEVER work. And take the good advice, if you don't think you are in this forever, just get out now.

Good luck!

SarahG04's picture

Thank you all for your advice. I am in this forever. We are building our lives together. We have just bought a house together.

Since his ex-wife has started school we have her just about ever day except on Thursdays and every other weekend. Her and her dad go places together alone when he has her.

Last night I took her to walmart and bought her some ice cream. We had us a GREAT time together. When we got home she seemed to be in a great mood, better than it has been. I do not have kids of my own and I am learning to be a parent of a 11 year old. I have not had the experience to raise a child from the beginning.

acitez's picture

Just keep in mind that she needs her daddy. They are already in a life-long relationship that needs to be protected and nurtured. It becomes your job to be vigilant on her behalf. She has already been through the disruption of a divorce, so she needs extra TLC.

This is from another thread, but I thought it was useful here. It is from page 10 of Sexuality, commitment, marriage, divorce.
Author: 2ndwife
Replied: 9/20/2008 11:25am.

I dated my husband for a year and a half before I met his children. They were a boy,7 and a girl, 10. They were polite and friendly. They seemed like happy, confident children. They had chores, friends, and activities. It just confirmed for me how terrific their dad was.
After we got married, things were OK (not great) for a while, I stayed out of the discipline, and was as helpful as I could be. Then I got pregnant. That's when things started to go down-hill. I miscarried and we decided not to have any children together. It's been three years since I miscarried, and our son is in trouble at school, we get a call at least once a week, his room and our daughter's room are only clean once a month when their dad and I take a Saturday and muck them out, our daughter had dropped out of school but after she got arrested part of her parole is to attend an alternative school. We've done counseling, even before her arrest. Our family life is pure hell. The counselor says that intact families also have these problems, but not at nearly as high a rate as step-families.