frustrated's picture
frustrated

boyfriends daughter

Hi there. I could sure use some advice.

I have been with my boyfriend for over one year. We both have children and live in our own houses. My boys are 12, 12 and 15. He has a son age 13, who fits in really well with my boys. He also has a daughter age 16, who does not. We both have shared custody arrangements with other spouses one week on and one week off, so we enjoy being parents for one week, and then a couple the next.

As I mentioned I have only boys. I find his 16 year old girl to be very needy, manipulative and selfish and disrespectful. An example of her neediness is at a dinner party we attended she asked her father to find her a "good piece of meat" from a platter. Imagine at 16, not being able to do so independently. Another example is, I threw a Christmas party for my friends and families. For at least a half an hour she held her fathers hand in the kitchen. Adults discreetly asked me who was his date, the daughter or me. How embarassing. He feels he has a wonderful relationship with her. I think he needs to sever the umbilical cord and let her grow up, fostering independence, and possibly a social life of her own. My boys would not be caught dead holding my hand in public. Heck, I barely get a kiss now, if their friends are around. Anytime we are at a function she will race to her father and take his hand, leaving me out.

Now I understand as an adult, she may be feeling insecure. But I also have feelings. She has admitted to her father she will not get in the way of our relationship, but she is. I hate to give her this much credit, but I fear she has the potential to destroy us. When it is our couple week, we get on famously. I have suggested we not try so hard to blend us when we have our children. I think he has a lovely boy with a delightful personality. I certainly do not feel this about her. Will she always be a thron in my side. Will she ever grow up, move out, and actually be happy for her father??? Help, I really need some advice. Thanks

Very Frustrated



gail's picture
gail

Here are some thoughts, and I could be wrong, and I'm not an expert on anything!

    Is her mom "moved on" to a new relationship also?  I think it is frightening to kids when their parents are involved with new relationships.  My advice is to be discreet if you continue dating her dad.  If you are not living together you can keep your relationship separate from her relationship with her dad.  It isn't "letting her win."   It's letting her be.

wantan's picture
wantan

Hi.  I don't have much advise for you, but I can tell you that she's 16 and will be out of the house soon, if she is planning on going to college.  Focus more on your relationship and the weeks 'off', and then the  years there after.  I might be way off base, but that's what I am doing. I am dealing with a 12  year old... and all I keep thinking is how calm and peaceful and 'normal' everything is on the 'off' week when we're just together, and all the years we'll have together once she's off having to figure it out. by the way, where is her mom in all of this?  in my case the bio mom is trully not worth mentioning.  she's a persona-non in her kids lives.  hang in there!  don't give up, ok.  you're not alone.  I know how that thorn feels.  The thorn I feel is getting bigger and bigger, but I pull it out every time she leaves... I don't let it stick.  don't lose your own personal spirit in all of this, but don't give up. :)

wantan's picture
wantan

Hi gail.  me again, from a couple of other threads.  my only comment on what you write is, for her it is about winning/losing.  she doesn't just want to be... she's looking to win here - win her dad.  I'm living it.

gail's picture
gail

That's why I put the comment in.  It does feel like letting her win. 

wantan's picture
wantan

ok, thanks.  yeah, it sure does feel more like "letting her win".  same in regards to what I'm dealing with... feels like she won last night when dad decided to tell her about my counseling instead of dealing with her issues. I feel like the scapegoat, and I definitely feel like she won.  but I'm looking at it as battles, not the war.  

sorry, I'm just still mad! he's ignoring and avoiding me and it's keeping me in that real angry place.
frustrated's picture
frustrated

hi there. Her mom has not moved on. They have been separated over 6 years. The daughter once bosted to me that her mom was seeing someone years ago, but she chased him out of their lives.  I responded "don't you want your mom to have someone in her life. Maybe she is lonely but the daughter responded no.Sometimes I get the impression she is happy for her father and other times she is not. Her father actually admitted to me yesterday he noticed his daughter is much more clingy and affectionate when I am around. It is like she is possessive. I don't say or do anything, just ignore it. I don't know if that is the right response. Thanks for your advice.

frustrated's picture
frustrated

Thanks for your advice. I think you are absolutely right about pulling out the thorn and not letting it fester. Easier said than done.The bio mother has the two every other week, She is very needy, asking her ex to put window wash in her car for her. Can you imagine. That has to be where the daughter learned to not do anything for herself, not a quality I want to teach my boys.

kellygirl78's picture
kellygirl78

I think this whole situation is incredibly sad for the children involved.  As adults you have the ability to leave if you want--kids don't.  Let's not forget this is a kid we are talking about here.  I don't know why once a parent or parents move on they expect their kids to do the same--as if these little people should be on your time table.  We parents destroy their lives by busting up the home and everything they grew up with and then get mad when the kids don't "act" right.  How selfish can we parents be at times.  I mean the girl gets to see her dad everyother week and fights for his attention when that happens because your around wanting it.  Give this girl a break and let her be with her dad the two weeks out of the month she has been told she can be. 

On a side note--there is nothing wrong with a daughter holding her fathers hand.  In some families holding hands or kissing your kids good-bye is a sign of love and affection.  Try it some time--it might surprise you to see how  nice it feels to be needed.

gail's picture
gail

It's easy to forget that the people who ask for help on these forums can be hurt by our comments.  I've done it myself a time or two.  Let's all be gentle with each other.

wantan's picture
wantan

sounds like you are quite angry yourself.  why don't you talk about that, instead of jumping down other peoples throats, who are doing the best they can with all that they know.  perhaps you are the one that is seeking attention and wanting to be needed - well then don't be ashamed to say so. maybe you forgot this is a support system, where words of wisdom and constructive criticism is appreciated, in a kind and soft manner.  if you can't conform to that, then you don't belong here. you owe the woman that started this post an apology, and any others you bombarded with your judgemental, unforgiving, aggressive tone and manner.