Stepmom2B's picture
Stepmom2B

Boyfriend with "three" kids

Hello everyone, I'm new here. First off let me introduce myself. My name is Stephanie, you can call me Stephy or Steph. I'm from Maryland, and I'm 22 years old. I'm currently a psychology student as a freshman obtaining my BA.I've been involved with a man for quite sometime. Now I have to tell you how we met and our status. I really don't want any lectures on whether anyone approves of how we've done our relationship but rather touch on my dilemmas that I am having. We met online back in January on the 13th,2008. We have managed to keep an emotional relationship for over a year. We became a couple June 13th,2008. At that time I had only known him to have one kid and never married. Clearly he lied to me because I later found out after he confessed to me that he has three kids and has been married, claims to be divorced. A gut feeling tells me that he's not divorced.

He told me that the reason why he lied is because I am so young and single basically, ( without baggage). And he's dated other women who runs off as soon as they find out he has 3 kids. The fact he had a life before me doesn't bother me. It's the fact he kept it from me that's made it a big deal. He was in Texas during the first part of our relationship. He's moved back up here near me because his (ex) wife moved the kids to PA,( long story). I live in MD so we're neighboring states. He now lives 2 hours and 51 minutes from me. He lives just across town from his (ex) wife. She's not over him , he doesn't love her and they share three kids. He wants to marry me very soon, but I said let's wait a couple years, like around 2011. I don't know how to handle this new situation. How do I even approach or talk to his kids? How do I deal with them? I've read articles how you shouldn't discipline, to leave that to their biological parents. But I don't know my place or role. Their ages are 3,4 and 6. Two boys and one girl. I have no kids, and have never been married. Just to add, I'm 22 (May 20th), and he's 28 going on 29 November 12th.

He does want more kids but not right now, which I agree because I am in college and so is he. How do I prepare myself to meet them, what do I say/do, what don't I say or do, and how do I prepare myself for the future role as a stepmom? Also the oldest one has ADHD, a very bad temper ( like his dad), has ODD, and maybe autistic but he's going to take him to a doctor to be tested.



acitez's picture
acitez

So, you are planning to marry a man who has a bad temper and lies to you.

Okay.

I read your post to my daughter, who is 12, and is not attending college to learn psychology. She says you should not date him, because he has a bad temper and he lies to you.

Stepmom2B's picture
Stepmom2B

I was seriously waiting for a more serious and constructive reply/answer. I'll keep waiting. Like I said before I'd like to have advice on my dilemmas . I didn't ask advice on my relationship.

acitez's picture
acitez

So, seriously, you are planning to marry a man who has a bad temper and lies to you.

Could you please be more clear about what your dilemmas are?

You shouldn't be meeting his kids until the marriage is in the very near future. It is not good for them to be presented with a series of women who "are going to be their new step-mom"

Stepmom2B's picture
Stepmom2B

Okay I am going to ignore your posts and wait for someone who will help/advise me on what I asked. It amazes me how out of three paragraphs you pick 2-3 words. There's a psychological term for that, so like seriously.

acitez's picture
acitez

Well, words like bad temper and lies are emotionally charged words, so it is not altogether surprising that those are the words that would get my attention.

I did turn my advice to your current dilemma, however. How should you deal with the children? The answer is that they should have no contact with you at all until you have a firm wedding date in the near future. If they develop a trusting relationship with you, and then the marriage does not happen it will likely interfere with their ability to develop trust with others.

Stepmom2B's picture
Stepmom2B

I've listed what my issues are....

We want to get married June 2011, is that considered a date? I'm supposed to meet the kids in a couple of weeks.That's why I am freaking out. I mean I've never ever went through this before.

By the way having a bad temper doesn't mean he beats women or anything, he goes to anger management. However, his son seems to have picked up on this behavior. As for the lies? that's for me to deal with , as I weigh in my options.

acitez's picture
acitez

So, why are you supposed to meet the kids in a couple of weeks?

Stepmom2B's picture
Stepmom2B

It's what we planned.

acitez's picture
acitez

And the June 2011 date? You won't be finished with a bachelor's until the next year, right?

Stepmom2B's picture
Stepmom2B

No a BA takes 3.5-4 years to complete. I said in my post I am a freshman, I started June this year. I'm taking online classes.