justnowlegal's picture
justnowlegal

AM I NUTS?

ok, I am about to become a step-daughter, and I will admit.....at times I get jealous......im older than sixteen, but you really have to understand where I am coming from, my mom....well....she has been a crappy mom to say the least. And my soon-to-be stepmother has really stepped in and helped me through alot. Me and and dad have been somewhat close, and now that we're just about all each other has, we're closer, well, in the past few months he's been staying with her, leaving me here alone. (ok, I know, I'm an adult, but you gotta understand how emotionally messed up I am) well, they go on trips, and I barely see him during the week, maybe five minutes at a time....but I am attempting to get over it.....(I guess I sound like a big baby, but.......I need help to get over the jealousy issue) It's not that I'm jealous of her, its the time.....I miss the time, and I almost feel like when he moves out, I'm all alone, I'll never see either of them as much as I'd like.

My closest friends right now are them, I understand they need a life together, but my friends are in the town I've moved from,I know I sound a bit crazy, and I guess way lonely....but I need somewhere to let this out.

I just need  a little bit of guidance...please help, no mean comments please.

 



gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I think this is partly just about normal growingup stuff.  It was kind of scary for me moving out of my (intact but messed-up) home and becoming an adult.  What is going on in the rest of your life?  Are you employed, in school, involved in volunteer work, church or other organization?  Room-mates?  I remember I would go back to my home-town to visit, and I would cry the whole way back to college, 6 hours driving.  Then I would be involved with room-mates and school and work and everything would be just fine til the next time I was coming back from a visit home.  And I would cry the whole 6 hours. 

I really don't think you are that messed up.  You just need to start working on your own adult life.

justnowlegal's picture
justnowlegal

Thank you! I'm not in school (I guess I proved my mother right....being a slacker) Yes, I work, quite a bit actually. Most of the week, and the weekends....I just miss them, (no they're not that far away from me...but still, I know when they're together, they don't want me calling and just dropping by, especially her..) We went from seeing each other almost all the time to maybe one day a week......I don't have a roommate....I suppose I could find one...... :-S....

 

but, thank you, for the advice.....and not thinking I'm crazy!

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

So maybe you could work out an evening at home, some night when it is convenient for them, once a week or twice a month.  You could bring dinner, maybe, and you guys could play board games or card games (not a movie--i's hard to connect watching a movie).  If they cook dinner or not, be sure to help clean up after the meal.  More than guest, less than living there, you know, just like what you are, family!  Also, try to build a relationship as an adult friend just to your step-mom.  That way, if you tick your dad off, (and you might!) your step-mom will be invested in getting you two to forgive each other.

justnowlegal's picture
justnowlegal

Thanks....

Gail, do you have an email?

I feel kinda stupid posting like a conversation when it's just you replying...

 

Let me know.

stepdaughters16's picture
stepdaughters16

Dear am I nuts,

No your not nuts! I'm writing to let you know from a stepmothers perspective that it is rather refreshing to me that you are so open about your feelings and that you are looking for guidance. Does your stepmom know how you feel? How about telling them exactly what you said here. I'm sure they would understand. They probably would appreciate your honesty and will have so much more respect for you. If you speak to them, think about how much you will gain from it. You say your stepmom has stepped in and helped you alot. She sounds like someone that would be willing to listen to how you feel and probably be very compassionate about it. I wish that my stepdaughter would even speak to me. She totally has shut me out and refuses to have anything to do with me. Her jealousy has made her blind to all the wonderful things that she could have with her father and me. You know people seem to think that stepmoms want to replace the mom and that is just not true. We just want to help you out if we can. We want to get  along with you and want you to like us. Deep down inside we admire you for all the great things you are, but it's really hard for us to show it if you keep your distance. In your situation it seems as though it's important to you to maintain a relationship with your father and that is so good. Keeping open communication is the key and letting them know how you really feel. It will be very hard to be vunerable and to let them know that you are jealous but believe me I really think it will be rewarding in your case. Good luck. Let me know how it goes.

Sincerely

Stepdaughters16

justnowlegal's picture
justnowlegal

Thanks....I haven't really sat down with them on my terms and told them how I feel.....now granted, we've hashed out the way they see me acting, and Dad understands somewhat, my future stepmom, understands to a point but alot of the times she thinks I'm pouting...because I'm alone.It's not that, I am just lonely sometimes and I miss them! She stepped in when I needed a Mother figure most, my mom was not the greatest mom to me, I thank God for her everyday. We just get into it over the stupidest things, she gets mad if I seem "pouty"......its not that, I've never talked about my feelings, my body language has always screamed, I just wish she would understand it!.....I want to keep them close....I know I'm not the norm when it comes to stepdaughters.....most of them distance themselves and hate they're stepmothers...not me....when we get into it and I know she's mad, I absolutely break my neck to get back to where me and her were a few days before.....I love her....I love them both....I just want them to understand more, thats all.

Thanks again for your advice.

confused's picture
confused

I am glad to hear from the stepdaghter's point of view. My new stepdaughter is 14 y/o and i feel that she hates me and has called me horrible names. I have tried everything to tell her that I would never come between her and her dad but her mother is crappy I would never say that to her but I am lost and don't know where to go. If you feel jealous be open and share your feelings with both of them you will never stop being daddy's girl but I think when two people find each other after a divorce it is like a new world and you never thought you would ever intimately love somebody else.  Hang in there be happy for your dad and give your stepmom a chance. You will only grow closer. No I don't think you are nuts your having very normal feelings that are very real.

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

I do have e-mail, but I don't see any way of giving it to just you, and I have opinions that probably would make people mad, so . . . let's just keep it here, k?  and now there are other people posting with some good advice.

Anyway, I'm interested to hear how your Thanksgiving went.  Did you get to spend a traditional afternoon with your dad and st.mom? 

W took our younger children  back to my old home-town.  We stayed with my sister, and my mom came for the meal.  My married children all went to their other grandma's.  Anyway, we rode horses and shot rifles and hiked.  It was fun!  My nephew deep-fried the turkey.  That was way good.  And I got to meet his daughter for the first time.  He and his wife adopted an infant last summer.  She is healthy and bright-eyed and sleeps at night!  WOW!