MEANMOM's picture
MEANMOM

15 yr daughter out of control and step dad of 13 yrs has had it,help

I am a mother of 3 girls, 15,10,7.My 7,and 10 yr olds are mine and my husbands. my 15 yr old is not my husbands. her dad died 5 yrs ago and was not around but once a month.My husband has been around since she was 2 yrs old. My husband and 15 yr old has never gotten along well but this last year she has shoved him and touched his nose with hers and said you can't touch me. She has called names, and her and I have had physicall altercations. Although she has been disrespectfull, he picks and points out every little thing she does wrong. I have come out and confronted him about it recently and he admits to not liking my daughter and treating her differently. And I confronted my daughter as well and she admits to provoking him and doing things on purpose just to make him mad. I have thought about moving out with my 15 yr old but we are broke, and I don't want to leave my other 2 daughters, they would not understand. we only have 2 1/2 more years before she is 18 but SHE and HE are making my house unlivable for me and my other 2 girls 10,7.I love my husband and divorce is farthest thing from our minds we just need to grow my 15 yr old up. and hope she has not been a bad influence on the 2 little ones already. we have tried counseling only insurance will not pay for family counseling.don't know what to do.is this bad enough to move out or how do I get these two people I love to get along????If my 15 byr old and I got our own place I know she would go wild while I was at work. then what kind of kid would she turn out to be. The only time she gets physical with me is when my husband is not home.So worried about choosing the right path for my teenager.I wish I could send her to boot camp. I f she was not so disrespectful to us, I think my husband would ease up on her. But no one is backing off.He would never physically hurt her ever. but I can't tolerate them arguing all the time.



acitez's picture
acitez

Here are some of the things they will tell you in counseling.

1. Your daughter needs to have one-on-one time with each of her parents. One week with her dad, the next week with you. It needs to be something fun for her and take at least an hour. You can't take it away from her because she misbehaves.

2. You need to be clear about your boundaries. This means you will have to start from scratch in teaching her what behavior is unacceptable. She needs to learn ways of communicating her anger, annoyance, and frustration that aren't physical, aren't disrespectful.

3. You need to learn to hear her when she says calmly and clearly what frustrates her, and you need to respond-- either change your behavior or explain in a logical way why you can't. If she were younger, this would not be a priority, but she is at the age of reason.

Start with #1 and #3, Do if for 3 weeks, then do #2. Then continue for 3 more weeks before you evaluate and see if you need therapy.

MEANMOM's picture
MEANMOM

Thank you, I really like your advice, I will try this with her myself but getting my husband to do it, He will not even speak to her and admits he does not like her and I am pretty sure he will refuse to spend an hour with her once a week??This is why I have considered 2 households, only I don't want to leave my 10 and 7 year old. my husband is her step-dad since she was 2, and her real dad died in 2005.My husband is tryin to get a truck job where he will be gone all week,(we really need the money also) that is the only way I can make your advice work.

acitez's picture
acitez

The advantage of going to counseling is that your spouse hears a counselor who has a degree and got paid, and is more likely to do what the counselor says. You could maybe tell him that it will save about $240 (three $80 counseling sessions) if he will just give it a try. He can go ahead and not speak to her the rest of the six weeks, but for 1 hour every two weeks they should go do something fun together.
He can suck it up and be a man about it.

MEANMOM's picture
MEANMOM

Yeah, when you put it that way,maybe I will just give him a swift reality check. He has always listened to me about other things if I am firm enough, and saving money is what we need to do right now.Ok I will try it...thank you for supporting me. It really helps to get on here and talk about things.