K_hopes's picture

Feeling Inadequate

I have been separated for over 2 years now, divorce will be final in January due to delays with the court... not my own choice. My ex left me and moved in with his GF who has 2 children of her own. He claims to be this reformed family man who never was this way for me. I have only recently started dating, and I have met a great guy (I have not introduced my 4 yr old son to anyone yet). But my problem is I feel like I am not good enough as a mother because I do not have the family unit my Ex has. I am a single mom who does it all, so I'm feeling I do not have the same amount of time with my son as he does... He has help with dinner chores bills etc

  I would just like to know if anyone else has this feeling of inadequacy, I don't want my son to grow up thinking I'm not good enough or not want to be with me on my time because I'm not the fun one.

tamz's picture

Good choice not to introduce a new man into your son's life at this time!! When you are serious enough to consider living with or marrying a man then AND ONLY THEN introduce your son.

I have been a single mom for 13 years and I have often had feelings of inadaquacy. If you make choices based on what is best for your son then you are half way to success. Just keep focused on your son and the rest will come.

One thing you can do for yourself is to stop comparing yourself to your ex and his situation. You are a single mom, accept that and then be the best single mom you possibly can.

Spend as much time as you can with your son and don't compromise your standards to be a "fun" mom. Keep schedules and rules and you will both be much happier.

YOU CAN DO THIS AND YOU CAN DO IT WELL!!! Your son is young and you have lots of time to help guide him and shape his life. Don't focus on what might go wrong, your energy is better spent making your home a place of safetly and harmony for your child and yourself.

God bless you and be thankful for this challenge, it will make you stronger and wiser... I promise!!

acitez's picture

Somebody on here has a teenage boy who called being the "fun" divorced parent "carnivalism". It's like cannibalism only going to amusement parks. It points out that being the fun one is kind of like eating your young, you get the benefit of being the fun one.

Still, find ways to have fun with your son. I know you have to keep a certain amount of order, but let the chores go sometimes and have some fun. He's little, so 15 minutes every day or so, especially if you say "We're having a fun time now!" and "Didn't we have fun yesterday!" will make a big difference.
Also, if you can have him sit on your lap while you do the bills, and make messes alongside you while you do chores and cook, he will have several benefits. First, he will know that you can work and have fun. Second, he will gradually be able to be a real help. Third, he will know that even though you are doing things you may not like, you are doing them for him, and that you think that makes them good things.

Read the "Sexuality commitment marriage divorce" thread up in the popular discussions, too. The family unit your Ex has is not a good thing for your boy, it just makes clear that his dad is a good dad for other children but not for your boy.

mombeenthere's picture

of course, and my ex and his wife fostered that sense of inadequacy at every turn...

your son will grow up knowing that you loved him enough to teach him what a proud hard working loving mom was.. he will learn the meaning of strength, he will learn the meaning of respect, he will learn the value of a woman who respects herself.

dont settle for anything less then the best thing for your family (thats you and him both) and dont bounce anyone in his life- bring people in who you are sure will make a possitive impact on him.

your job mom? raising a respectful proud hardworking, kind man
you can do that without a man in your life- but you cant do it with a man who is less that any of those things.

SnglDad's picture

Making someone to feel inadequate about whom they are as a person, as well as a parent can be quite powerful. Do not fall in to this trap. This was tried against me because I have no extended family to help me with my kids. Each challenge we encounter can do one of two things, make us stronger, or tear us down. In the end we will decide which one we will allow. If at the end of each day you can truly say to yourself that you did your best, then even without extended family you have surpassed this “father”.

The claim that he has reformed in to a family man, is simply hogwash. This bogus claim of reform is for no other reason than to put on a show for his new love interest. With his actions alone you should be able to see that this man is a fraud. Do not let him drag you down to his level. It doesn’t take a village, just one determined parent.