futurestepmom's picture

child sleeping with single parent

My boyfriend and I live 1,500 miles apart, adding to the distance issues in our relationship I have some concerns about his parenting style.  He allows his nine year old daughter to fall asleep in his bed and sleep there the entire night.  I feel he should take her into her room and let her sleep in her own bed.  I have known him for fourteen years, lived with him once for several years, I know there is nothing of a sexual nature in this, I know him very well and he is absolutley not that kind of man.  I do feel it is inappropriate for him to continue letting his daughter, who is now developing, to sleep in his bed.  Am I off base?

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Love your idea, SnglDad!

BlendedFam's picture

It's odd that you mentioned that, SnglDad. I came across a posting somewhere on the internet that stated. It might be a good idea to let the son sleep on the floor beside our bed a few times. That way he understands that dad is with someone new and I am now a permanent fixture in his life. I was going to bring up this suggestion tonight. I want to be careful at not completely booting the child out because I do not want to be the target of resentment. But I also do not want to coddle his sons wants in fear of it. I have known their father for almost 20 years and them their whole lives. I am no stranger to them. So I hope the transition will go smoothly.

technodancer80's picture

I respect that most parents would do anything for their kids, however you must consider the negative effects that sleeping with parents would have on the kids and everyone involved.

I would suggest that parents who let children sleep with them, give them the idea that they can also do that when they are older. When parent's (mostly single parents)let older children sleep with them, they must consider the message that they send to their children...

Why do children want to sleep with their parents? Children are saying...

"I need you for everything. I need you to get me dressed, to feed me, to take me places and to….sleep."

The parent, by saying yes, says to the child,

"That's right, you do. You can't do it alone. You will always need me to help you, even during the night. Twenty-four hours a day, I will be there."

Not only does it tend to PROMOTE AND PROLONG a child's EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY upon his
parents, thus hindering independence, it can also STRAIN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! Happy parents have an easier time raising happy children!
If you are in a relationship with someone and value that relationship, you must also remember that the time you spend ALONE in the bedroom is essential for you as a couple. Do not assume that the stepmom or stepdad is trying to tell you how to raise your child. I'm sure they understand the child's feelings to a point, but they must also realize that sometimes life is tough. You don't always get what you want and you must learn to share and consider the feelings of others.

Expecting life to treat you well because you are a good person is like expecting an angry bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.-- Shari R. Barr

You must understand that in order to have a healthy and caring relationship you need to express your feelings, good or bad. Just because someone doesn't share the same opinion on a certain parenting subject does not mean they are trying to control you or the child.

If you care for your child and your significant other, you must put BOTH FEELINGS INTO CONSIDERATION and COMPRIMISE!

widmom's picture

I found your posts while looking for answers on co-sleeping and wanted to let you know they were extremely helpful to me. My husband passed away and two of my children sleep with me on a regular basis. Your posts were very encouraging as I can see more clearly that this is something they need for their emotional well-being right now and they will be okay. Thank you for sharing your experience.

RayUSMC's picture

I know I am way late in my post, but I hope it at some point may help someone. My daughters grew up going from base to base, and had a mother that ran out on them at a very young age. They always slept in their own bed, or if they slept in mine, as soon as they were asleep, I was on the sofa or in a sleeping bag on the floor if they where sick or may have needed me later. My daughters are 16 now, and we are closer than any other parent child relationship I am familiar with. My children are A honor roll, they come to me for advise on everything, and they are always well behaved. The most I ever have to worry about is the twin girls bickering over things that I find to be silly. They help take care of their younger siblings, and are some of the most emotionally stable children.
Bottom line, it isn't going to drive your child away if you refuse to sleep in the same bed with them. Besides, doesn't many states have laws against a parent and child sharing a bed after a certain age?

Animated Life's picture
Animated Life

yes, you are offbase. it's his child. unless this is a violation of a certain law, you have no right to meddle.

mary59's picture

I see nothing wrong with it.
i think as long she want to let her.
it there business no one elses

jerzeegal722's picture
Hi to all, I would like your objective opinion on my personal situation. My boyfriend has a small 1 bdrm apt, So, his 15 yr old daughter comes to visit every other weekend. There's a futton (not sure it's spelled right) in the living room, but she doesn't like sleeping there, instead, she sleeps with my boyfriend on his queen size bed. I told him I didn't think that this was emotionally healthy for his daughter. I personally feel it's not appropriate. I know my boyfriend very well, there is absolutely nothing sexual about this behavior,he's an adoring father of 2, but I've read that it is not good for parent/child of the opposite sex to sleep in the same bed. Men sometimes have erections while they sleep, and that is something this young lady should not be exposed to at all !I"m a mom of a 24 yr old woman, and I would def. had a major problem, when she was 15 yrs old, if I would have found out she was sleeping in the same bed as her dad.
junieg's picture
I think 15 is really too old for her to be sleeping in a parent's bed. She is nearly a woman and should have her own space. There may not be anything sexual on your boyfriend's mind, but I think maybe his daughter may have an unhealthy attitude if she wants to sleep with her dad. I may be wrong, but I would have been very uncomfortable if my daughter wanted to sleep in her father's bed at the age of 15.
mayamay's picture
I have a friend whose 18 y.o. daughter frequently shares her bed. Even though they are both women, I think it's weird, and so does the mom. She is 'helpless' to address the situation, she simply won't insist and make it stick. That's the part that I think is really unhealthy. Sometimes grownups just have to lay down the law and stick to it.