Bre's picture


I have 5 siblings the only one I do not get along with is my older sister. We never got along even as youngsters. It seems as the years pass on she become more hostile towards me. I do not live up to her expectations. She a divorced (no kids), church going woman who reads the Bible, quotes the Bible. I'm divorced with 2 teen boys. According to her I am a sinner because I do not attent church on a regular basis. I do believe in GOD but just don't go to church. She would call my boys to iquire if we went to church, or the cemetery to pay respect to my deceased parents. Then call and blast me for not going. She judges my decisions and is always negative. My mom would say, "just do as your sister wants she means well."

This truly was my fault not intentional mind you.
Christmas Day my brother and I were to have dinner at my sisters house (no other guests), she lives 1-1/2 hours away. 20 minutes before dinner was to be served I called to say we were running late. She was livid on the phone, told me not to bother to come. My brother convenienced me other wise...after all, it was Christmas. We drove 1-1/2 hours to her house just before we got there, she called and blasted the both us with a harsh, sharp tongue, hurtful words. My brother let her vent and asked her if she felt better. This ticked her off even more and told us not to come, but we just pulled into her driveway. Again, stated she did not want us to come. No problem, we left our gifts on her steps and had dinner at another relatives house. This really [filtered word]ed her off. She wanted to leave me and my brother with no place to go. But other relatives opened the home to us on Christmas Day. That night upon arriving home my sister left several nasty, harsh, hurtful messages, name calling etc. on my answering machine. WAIT it gets better... then sends a mass email to all the siblings stating I am rude, inconsiderate, selffish, self absorbed, self saturated, munipulative. She returned the Christmas gifts we gave her. We have not spoken to each to each other since December. What makes a sister hate another so much??

Only2boys's picture


I would call (or write if she won't receive your calls) and try to patch things up with your sister, even though you meant no harm in the past. Sometimes you need to be the "stronger person" and just say I'm sorry and ask "What can I do to make you happy?" Sometimes it takes just the willingness of you trying to make them happy for them to see that you care.

Your sister does sound controlling, but maybe her unhappiness with you is just a reflection of how unhappy she is with her life.

Maybe you could try going to church. That would make your sister happy, and raising two teenagers yourself you could use encouragement and friends to help you out. Raising kids takes a whole community sometimes, right. You may even meet some good male role models for your kids there as well.

Let us know how you make out if you make the effort to patch things up. It may take several times of trying, but she is your sister and I find as you get older, especially after your parents are gone, you need family and siblings should be there for you and you for them.

Good luck.


SnglDad's picture

Bre, there are just some people who for whatever reason cannot be made to be happy. To take advice already given and begin to jump through the many hoops your sister holds for you would only make you unhappy. It would also cause her to set the bar higher and expect more from you; she will never be happy. You are an adult; you are capable of making your own decisions and living with them. I would have serious issues with my sister calling my children as a way to gather information. This is very manipulative and places your children in the middle of her unending feud with you. As for the gifts, take them back, or donate them to a charity in her name. It’s time to stop any and all dialogue with her until she can learn to respect you as an adult and a mother. When I say respect, I do not mean that she has to like your decisions, but she must respect them and stop trying to make you conform to her way of living, which does not seem to have brought her too much happiness. There are in many families what are considered “toxic” family members. Deal with the person for how they act, and how they treat you, not who they are and what place they hold in the family. As for the quoting you bible verse, I would instruct her not to worry about the speck in your eye when she has a plank in hers. Good luck.

SnglDad's picture

sorry , double posted...ashamed

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I agree w/ sngldad. You shldn't have to change just to make your sister happy. Be yourself, and live your life as you see fit. My husband and I were raised Catholic, but neither of us go to church regularly. That doesn't make us bad people. If your sister wants to judge you for whatever reason, pay her no mind. Obviously she's not happy w/ her own life, and she's in turn taking her frustrations out on you.
If your sister truly cares about having a relationship w/ you, she will accept you for who you are, not who she wants you to be. To turn you away on Christmas Day is so wrong. If anyone's being selfish it's her, not you.
Let your sister come to you if she wants you in her life. You can't force her to change her ways if she doesn't want to. Good luck. I hope things work out for you both in the long run.

SweetKandy25's picture

i agree with that she alwayz want things her way or the other

nebiyah7's picture

Bre, hate is prevalent and most of the time it is because the person sees what they should be dealing within themselves but refuse to recognize it. I use to be church going fanatic and I found out that religion teaches people to be too judgmental of others and not enough loving of others. MessiYah Yahshua ans His disciples/apostles were murdered because the religious folk thought they had the right to stop them from teaching others what true love is not (Book of Acts). True love is not inviting people over and then putting them down because they are late. Did she show concern about why you were late and if everything was ok rather than thinking only about what she wanted? Bre, I myself had to separate from family members, and not because I don't love them or because they don't live like I live. I've separated myself from them because we just cannot communicate on a level of civility. We are not going in the same direction and how can two walk together except they be agreed? for instance: I am seeking Truth and religion does not allow the practice of Truth because it promotes things that are not Truth (not your truth or my truth but the Commands and Ways of Almighty Yahweh (Ps 119:142, 151). I don't participate in these worldly holidays which are only about economics. I celebrate the commanded Scriptural days. I live by the Holy Scriptures inspired writings of the Lae and the Prophets of old chosen by Yahweh. Most of my family live by their own or another man's doctrine. Therefore we are not traveling the same road. When we do communicate, its not special because their thoughts and actions are not like I am now but as I use to be and I am not trying to relive that past life; so what do we have in common except the bloodline and sometimes that's just not enough. I pray that you will receive peace in your endeavour to fine peace in your situation. Yahweh knows I've found peace in mine. HalleluYah? Be Blessed.

jimrich's picture

re: What makes a sister hate another so much??

Your parents FAILED to teach both of you to be loving, respectful, friends!
If you want to UNDO the hateful conditioning from your parents, you can begin by treating your sister with respect, friendship, LOVE, acceptance and other things your parents FAILED to teach both of you when you were little and teachable.
good luck

SnglDad's picture

Is that why you seem so hateful and full of spite Jim? Did your parents fail? Here’s an idea; let’s stop blaming our parents for every flaw we see in ourselves. Let’s actually grow up and start taking responsibility for our own actions.

junieg's picture

Jimrich, maybe you could try looking up Google to see if you can find some advice about how to get rid of that giant chip you have on your shoulder instead of inflicting the hatred on this forum members. We all have our own views and opinions and most of us have years of experience. Many of us have professional qualifications too. Can you not accept that you are not always right in your opinions and not very helpful with a lot of the advice you throw up. There is nothing in black and white about bringing up children and all children are different. Please stop putting down parents. It's not at all helpful and that is not what this forum is all about.

jimrich's picture

re: We never got along even as youngsters.
>> Same here! My brother and I were enemies sometimes all because our parents did not know how to train us to love and accept each other as little kids so we became rather cruel and mean later on. We actually liked each other at first but, as competition for the very limited amount of love in our family stiffened, we became enemies! The sad thing is that we could have been good friends all those years if only our parents had made it possible!
Sorry about it. you might try treating her as good as you can and hope that she will treat you good also - like it was supposed to be all along!