pinkoctopi's picture
pinkoctopi

Sibling Violence Advice Please!

I have a major problem here and I am at the end of my wits with it. I have two teenage children, an 18 year old daughter, and a 16 year old son. They have never gotten along, and fighting has always been common between the two of them.

But the problems between them have gotten progressively worse.  My son spends all of his time insulting my daughter. She responds by cursing and insulting back at him. My son then will get violent with my daughter. He has even before slashed her arm with a kitchen knife and smashed a guitar over her head. This all goes on when I am at work. When I am at home, the fighting is minimal and the kids tend to stay clear of each other.

My daughter hates her life because of this. She constantly says she has thoughts of running away or killing either herself or her brother. Every day she tells me that she cannot live in the same house as him. When I confront my son about this, he claims my daughter is lying and he never does anything to her. For some reason I know my daughter is telling the truth. I can see the trauma this is causing her. I can't afford professional help, and I am sick of crying to sleep every night because my kids literally want to kill each other. I fear that I will come home one day to find one of my children dead and the other one run off. I just don't know what to do. Please help me.

                                            Concerned Mother



mama62's picture
mama62

Your son needs to be evaluated ASAP. I would start with convincing him his anger is destructive, he may need medication. I dont know you're religion, but catholic charities can help/call ask a clergy person to be their first counselor, to help steer him towards wanting help for his anger management. Depression could be making him so irritable towards her and she may have it also, Victims of abuse develop depression, very normal reaction.
Take her to the emergency room. I would think twice about involving the law-it sometimes makes it 10X more stressful, scarey, etc. and I say with knowledge police call CPS and they might turn on you, that you haven't done anything, etc.

Cristi555's picture
Cristi555

I agree with Marti, she should call the police! At any rate, you have two main issues. The first, find protection for your daughter. Where can she be during the day while you are at work? She CANNOT stay home with him another day, period!!!!! If nothing else, take her to work with you. She will always remember that you cared enough about her to save her life. Your relationship will get stronger for it. Now, your son. Anger management classes are the FIRST order of business. As he learns to control his anger, he will deal with his problems and figure out why he has anger issues in the first place. Sign him up for classes that take place when you can take him, (I wouldn't count on him going just because you ask him too). Also, at 18, he is an adult now. He does not have to live at home, you do not have to provide a roof over his head. Let him know that if he chooses to continue to live with you, he will take these classes and he will follow your rules. Be ready to change the locks. I know this sounds harsh too (like calling the police), but this situation has escalated to a point that calls for harder action. Sibling rivalry should have been handled a long long time ago. (I'm sorry, but that's the truth, and unfortunately, you know that too). At this point, tough love is your best option. Protect your daughter, get help for your son. I see a very happy life for all of you down the road, the work is worth it! Be strong, I will pray for you!

loopylou's picture
loopylou

my heart goes out to you love i have a similar problem with my 2 and theres no real help out there.  

ShastaAngel's picture
ShastaAngel

What a stressful situation. My daughter and son used to fight like crazy... not to the extreme of using weapons, but their was some physical violence. Once my daughter got her own place everything changed. They are now best friends and she takes him camping and fishing with her all the time. Regarding counseling... it is a good idea, and the Catholic church will help you out whether you are Catholic or not, so you might talk to the local parish priest about it. I will keep you in my prayers.

jimrich's picture
jimrich

pinkoctopi

re: They have never gotten along, and fighting has always been common between the two of them.
>> Why is that? How come no one taught them to get along and be good friends?

re: This all goes on when I am at work.
>> Yes that's how it was for us. We were not taught to get along and when our parents were away, we went absolutely wild!

re: my kids literally want to kill each other.
>> That's how bad it got for us sometimes. Things got better after our dad got fed up and left all of us! Somehow, we finally learned to love and accept each other tho we are not real good friends to this day. Our parents failed to teach us to be friends but maybe you can learn to parent better at a parenting class.
good luck

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Jim, draw us a map so we can all get to your perfect world where children never make bad decisions, fight, or lie. You have this idea of how to raise perfect children, and how to be a perfect parent, but you have never applied your ideas in the real world. If you had ever done so, you would see that children actually have a mind of their own, but maybe the books don’t teach that. Jim, who taught you to read all the parenting books? I think you like playing the victim role.

jimrich's picture
jimrich

ShastaAngel
My daughter and son used to fight like crazy... not to the extreme of using weapons, but their was some physical violence.
LOL, same with my brother and I. Our parents allowed it and even encouraged us to fight! I broke off 1/2 of his front tooth in a vicious, violent fist fight!

They are now best friends and she takes him camping and fishing with her all the time.

GOOD FOR THEM! That is a wonderful story and I'm glad they finally over came the early conditioning abuse to each other.
good luck,
jim

jimrich's picture
jimrich

Cristi55

re: Sibling rivalry should have been handled a long long time ago. (I'm sorry, but that's the truth, and unfortunately, you know that too).
>> Hmm, interesting point. Please explain what it means to "handle" sibling rivalry and exactly what does she "know"? Are you trying to say that someone failed these kids when they were little and now things are out of control?
Please give us some detailed examples of handling sibling rivalry or point us to a link.
thank you,
jim

jimrich's picture
jimrich

loopylou

I'd guess there is real help out there if you really, really want to find it.
I recommend you google: sibling rivalry
I believe some of the experts here can help you...
good luck
jim

mayamay's picture
mayamay

>GOOD FOR THEM! That is a wonderful story and I'm glad they finally over came the early conditioning to abuse to each other.
hostile. assumes that parents conditioned children to abuse each other.