Pregnancy
Discussion Title: Relationship between a 16 yr old teen with a violent mother
Created by: juniorp_12...
Created on: Wed, 08/20/2008 - 6:19pm.
Created by: juniorp_12...
Created on: Wed, 08/20/2008 - 6:19pm.
Hey, I'm a 16 yr old teen, almost 17 on October. I have problems communicating with my mom. I'll explain a little on how it's hard for me to do so.
My mom has two teens, me and my sister, she's 11 months younger than me. She is also having problems with my dad, because he basically doesn't do all the things he has to do. It's like my mom's the head of the household and all that.
OK. My mom has this weird chauvinistic mentality, where she thinks that by obligation a man has to take care of everything in the house or in any situation. In a way I understand, I mean, I get that men have to be the head of the household and take major responsibility in the family, you know, like being the organizer and make all the choices, of course with the consult of the wife and all.... but that's not the point. The thing is that she thinks like that and I think like both, men and women are equal, and sure not let the women handle things that men can do if it's their responsibility.
I guess my mom is like that 'cause she's like both, husband and wife, basically she does everything.
So, my problem with her is that she is so violent that she gets mad for every single thing, and when she gets mad at someone and we happen to ask her something, she talks to us aggressively.
That's why I'm not very close to her, and I have like 3 or 4 months that I stopped talking to her about everything. Basically due to her bad attitude everytime she talks to me with a violent voice, I talk back. Also, she is very controlling and I don't know how can I get my freedom, I mean, everytime I want to go somewhere I have to ask permission like a 3 year old, and when I go to a party she wants me to get back home at 11pm, when the party actually starts a that time and ends like at 2-3am
She's always complaining that I'm that not very active and that I stopped talking with her like I used to, but the thing is that when I do she just keeps on talking and never lets me finish my thought, that's why I don't talk to her. The only way I can live on is by staying in my room and do anything I want in there without her bothering me and trying to get things out of me, when there's nothing I feel she has to know.
That's my problem with her, that's why I'm not very close to her, and because my father lives in another country I can't talk to him 'cause there's nothing he can do, and again he's irresponsible, and will probably give horrible advice.
Is there anyway I can get my freedom and improve my relationship with her? Plus, I think she's going to a shrink, though, I think it isn't accurate. Oh, and is there anyway I can make her stop talking to me so aggressively? Thanks
PS: I'm not sure, but I know I'm like the only teen that actually writes about this stuff. Again, thanks! :)
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Replied: 8/21/2008 10:23am.
junior - The first thing I think you can do here is to move outside your own need and try to imagine how it feels to be completely responsible for two other people and how that might cause anxiety. At 16 I can also see why your mother would want you in the house by 11:00. I really don't think that is unreasonable. However, it can be so difficult to be around a person who is, most often, negative and aggressive. I used to have a lot of resentment because I was raising my boys all alone without any help and I was mean and I regret it soooo much now!! I can see by your post that you are good at expressing your thoughts in writing. Do you think you could tell you mother how your feeling in a letter? You have to be very careful not to criticize but focus more on how her actions make you feel. Start our by letting her know that you appreciate the good things she does for you. Also let her know that you were a little scared to write the letter because you don't want to hurt her or make her mad. Then tell her you would like to see her happy more often and that when she talks to you in an aggessive and negative way it make you want to isolate yourself from her. Tell her the reason you don't confide in her any more is because you fear she will get negative or angry. Leave the letter for her when she has some time away from you to digest it. Tell her that you were hoping to discuss your letter and ask her if she would please try to be open minded to a discussion.
Replied: 8/21/2008 11:57am.
My 17 year old son does at least a half hour of family chores every day, more on weekends, in addition to taking care of his own room and clothing. He also has a 10 p.m. curfew on weekdays and a midnight curfew on weekends unless it is a special chaperoned activity. We are blessed to have his dad in the home as a good example of how to be a man, so I don't talk to him much about the subject. He takes responsibility for his schoolwork, and he has a part-time job and saves most of that money. I don't think he's the only teenager that steps up to the plate this way.
He's not always happy about it, short term. He gets over it. He knows he won't always be a teenager, that someday he'll be completely responsible for his decisions and then he will do what he wants.
I think your mom is doing a good job. Tell her, "Thank you," for being such a good mom. It might help her stop yelling at you.
Replied: 8/21/2008 12:42pm.
I agree w/ Tamz that your mom is probably under a lot of stress. I also agree that she's right to set a curfew for you of 11 p.m. 3 a.m. is very late for a 16 yr old. Try helping your mom around the house more, taking a little of the weight off her shoulders. I know this is a hard thing to do if your mom is always yelling at you, but try. Also, talk to your mom or write a letter as Tamz has suggested. Maybe you all can go to family counceling together. As for your dad, I'm sorry he's not in your life. That's got to be really hard on all of you. I hope you can find the strength amongst yourselves to stick together and therefore grow even stronger from this experience. Best of luck to you and your family.
Replied: 8/21/2008 8:41pm.
I see. I also do chores. I help around the house with my sister, I'd even think I help her doing all the chores that mostly females do. I don't mind helping, but sometimes she acts as if I don't, and that I'm always home doing nothing. Also, it looks like we have trouble communicating, she asks me to do something and it results in that she wanted me to do something else. So when I try to explain calmly, there comes her aggressiveness, and she starts to lecture me (aggressively) and doesn't let me express my feelings.
I guess I can write a letter, and let her know how I feel through that, then we can talk about it.
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate this, I really want to fix my relationship with her.
Replied: 8/22/2008 8:20am.
It sounds like your efforts are sincere and that you truly want to have a close relationship w/ your mom. Try to be patient and understanding. This is hard on your mom too. Growing up, I had a difficult time connecting to my dad. I felt like he was always standing over my shoulder critiquing everything I did and finding fault in whatever he could. He wld yell at me often, and even when I tried to explain my position, I felt he didn't listen. My mom was sick for about 10 yrs w/ cancer, and that put a lot of stress on my dad. I understand now how he must've felt and how difficult everything was on him. We now have a much closer relationship. Hang in there.
One suggestion that might be helpful to you wld be to get yourself out of the house part of the day and keep busy. Is it possible for you to get a part-time job or even for you to volunteer somewhere in your community? You can also join activities, sports, whatever after school and spend time w/ friends that way. I think this'll help take a lot of the stress off you at home. Still be supportive of your mom as much as you can, but enjoy your life too.
Replied: 8/22/2008 11:48am.
Remember, the letter is just a suggestion and it may be effective, but it may not. If you mother is in the habit of parenting you with yelling and aggression, it might take some time for her to realize what she is doing and change things. I believe it's a great start to get communicating on this subject, I'm just saying don't give up if things don't turn around right away. The suggestions that "concerned" offered are important either way. Get yourself out and start to get some accomplishments of your own, if it's sports or a PT job or whatever. Keep a positive attitude! Good luck!!
Replied: 8/22/2008 9:47pm.
I do get out of the house sometimes, but where I live I need a ride everywhere. Though, there are times that I go walking to the places I need to get to.
I play tennis with my friends a lot, and I also go out swimming in a nearby country club. But like I said, it's kind of hard to reach those places, the only way is by getting a ride or if I have the energy to walk.
I don't mind, but when I try walking, my mom doesn't like the idea of it being too far, and when I need her to take me to those places, she puts on a fit.
That's what I meant by freedom, it's hard for me to go somewhere without bothering my mom 'cause she doesn't let me go anywhere a lone, she's really over protective.
Well, After the first comments you have made, I did talk to her and she agrees with me and she said that she'll try to speak better to us (me & my sister).
Again thanks, and I appreciate it.
Replied: 11/17/2008 4:34pm.
Well what i can tell you is never give up on your mama. Being that i am the same age as you have to do is pray for your mother. Being that your father is a irresponsible man its time for you to step up and become the man of the house. She might treat u the way the way she do but she loves you. Dont give up boy take it to the lord and he will fix it. Just like on "Madea I can do bad by my self" at the end they was Saying "no matter what you going through god is the answer". What they mean about that take to jesus no matter your problem no matter your situation and he will deliver you from that situation .You pray go to church and handle your buisness even if you have to get a job do that then. Do you have any relatives or close neighbors that you can talk to. Always talk to your mother cause think about this there is somebody in the world that dont have a mother that cared for them and somewhere in the world its somebody who dont have a home or no one to care about them and jus to say they would love to have what you have.
Valente'
PS: (Of course you not the only teen writing about this type of stuff) of course you always welcome
Replied: 9/25/2008 3:35pm.
Dont worry about that cause every thing she is doing wrong GOD will take care of that she will need you all one day so just stay strong for me and let God do the rest
Replied: 11/17/2008 4:33pm.
I know thats right Tonya. Take it to jesus and let him take care of it. That's the only thing you can do so i dont hate you for that.But no matter what she does she will always be your mother.
Valente