kazleigh's picture
kazleigh

hurt and confused

I made the mistake of allowing my husbands sister to live with us. now im trying to start our lives together and i feel like shes getting in the way. the biggest problem is the way she touches my husband, like i do...like a wife does. she rubs the back of his head, the top of it. she comes up behind him and wraps her arms around him to give him a hug but doesnt let go and while shes doing it she has her body pressed against his back. she hovers around him, really close. she cuddles with him, which she addmited. and she even watches him change clothes in our bedroom! i tried telling them both that it makes me uneasy and that i dont like it but neither of them understand where im coming from or why i feel this way. they both said its how theyve been their whole life and they dont see anything wrong with it. my husband even said if i cant figure out how to explain the way i feel i have to suck it up and deal with it. im at a loss and i dont know what to do. please help



2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

My family is very touchy and huggy also. My son and daughter, 32 and 26, do all the things you listed in your post also for their whole lives. It is a matter of your perception. "Hovering" is subjective. Changing clothes with the door open and boxers staying on does not seem like a cause for alarm. We all hug and snuggle together, including my sister-in-law and now their 4 month old son. This is the way some families are and I agree with your husband. What about it makes you uneasy?

kazleigh's picture
kazleigh

the fact that im his wife not her. and when people look at the 3 of us and dont know who his wife is and then assume that its her hurts. they even think my daughter is hers. and i dont think its right tobe touchy feely like that ecpecially when hes got me now, his wife

Sister83's picture
Sister83

I agree that some families are just more affectionate than others. You might not be used to it, but it doesn't mean it is abnormal. I have relatives that are so touchy-feely with me that it makes me cringe. I don't need to be touched or patted every time you walk by! But I think it's just something you have to deal with...

You almost seem to be coming at this as if the sister is an old girlfriend that he shouldn't need now that he has a wife. Try to remember that the touchy-feely stuff isn't sexual. Some people just express their feelings this way.

And try to figure out why it bothers you that people don't know right away that you are his wife when you go out in public? I think this happens to a lot of people that go out in groups, and I'm not sure why you would be offended by it.

I know that this bothers you, but it doesn't seem likely to change. Try approaching it from a different angle. It's not unreasonable for you to want to live as a married couple. The sister, or any other relative for that matter, might throw off this balance. Try to (very tactfully) initiate a discussion about a timeline for when she should move out.

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Good advice as always, Sister!!!!

Asked my daughter-in-law and she says "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em"! She stated it took her a while to get used to all the closeness, as her family is quite distant. Once she got used to it, she prefers being very huggy and snuggly and is raising her children to be as close and affectionate as my son and daughter are to one another.

She also told me she was somewhat jealous of my son and daughter's relationship at first, thinking it was unusually close. Then with time she realized it was just that her upbringing had been very different.

Sister83's picture
Sister83

Thanks!

And good luck to you kazleigh, I hope you find a solution that works for you and your family.