jassyben's picture

daughter's jealousy ruining friendships

My nine, almost 10 year old daughter is jealous of everything- it's so sad. She is beautiful and smart and has a nice family but has no self esteem or confidence. She is a little pudgy around the belly and that makes her feel really bad. Also, tho she has a good relationship with her step dad, she doesn't see much of her real dad- the odd email is about all these days. I have tried everything and I am so frustrated! She gets jealous and then mean. We live in a small place with only 35 kids in the school and for the most part, all the girls get along but her. She is so desperate for a best friend but pushes them away with her jealousy. I don't know what to do- I talk to her about it every day but short of going to school with her I don't know how to help. I got my hair cut and she said she hated it and that it looked terrible and then later said sorry it was just that she loved it and wished her hair looked liked that. If her friends play with someone else then she takes that to mean that they hate her and then she goes on the defensive. Any suggestions????

acitez's picture

My twelve year old came home upset because some of her friends were invited to a party and talked about it in front of her. I reminded her that she didn't invite the whole school to her birthday party. The question is, are people doing things just to hurt your feelings, or are they merely enjoying their own lives? If they are the kind of people who enjoy their own lives, how does that hurt you? If they are the kind of people who want to hurt you, well, why would you let that kind of person have that much power?

The whole best friend thing. The exclusivity implied in such a relationship is not appropriate. That kind of loyalty is reserved for family.

Also, talent and appearance are both fairly shallow criteria for valuing somebody. Perhaps a more spiritual outlook would benefit you. Get involved in a service organization in your community.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

I wld suggest counceling for your daughter's self-esteem issues. Maybe just talking to someone objective is just the thing to get your daughter to open up and express her true feelings. She might not even know why she's feeling this way, or maybe she's just very sensitive and too concerned about what others think. I think a therapist cld be very helpful in teaching your daughter how to better cope w/ her feelings. Maybe she just needs to learn to speak up for herself if she doesn't like something. Also, she needs to learn how to cope w/ her anger, as well as be able to brush certain things off. Hope this helps.

goround's picture

I have a sister in law that seems to suffer from extreme jealousy and has pushed everyone away. I think it is part of a mental illness such as depression or bipolar. She can't be happy for anyone. The only time she is happiest is when something bad happens to someone it seems. It's really very sad. She spends all her time thinking of ways to sabotage other peoples' happiness or happy relationships. Or make them feel lousy or guilty, then she seems to feel better. I'm just thinking if she spends this much time being jealous of other people's happiness, she has got to be short-changing her family somehow. She can't be happy inside. It's like the jealousy eats her up inside til she has to lash out at everyone and push them away and it becomes so obviouos to everyone that she is just jealous. Anyway she's 39 y.o. now but I knew her when she was a teen, and it only gets worse with age. Other personality traits she has are: extreme self-centeredness where she thinks the world revolves around her, loves being the center of attention, and she seems to think other people are just as jealous as her. She sometimes lies and thinks other people lie as much as her. Also she seemed to have low self esteem as a teen. So, if this describes your daughter, get professional help before her mind starts making permanent neuronal pathways that can't be changed. I know I would hate to live like my sis in law and would never wish this seemingly jealousy "disorder" on anyone.
ie examples of her antics:1. My kids were having a b day party on a Sat so she called her dad to ask him to go to a "checkup" with her son on Monday, knowing he was not going to drive an hour and a half to our area twice in 3 days. But then all of a sudden his "check up" was switched to a Wednesday. anyways, granddad didn't come to my kids bday party. 2. She ruins her dad and step mom's vacations by dropping off her 4 y.o. girl at her 92 yo grandmother to baby sit knowing well that her dad will cancel the trip b/c granny can't handle it.
Yes I know this is really extreme jealousy. In part I am venting too, but hope this helps you see what extreme jealousy can lead to. She is also very intellegent, which is why she can think of all these crazy things to do. Anyway she makes a lot of people's lives pretty miserable. Your girl may benifit form some professional help

dlacher's picture

My daughter is nine and is going through this same problem. She is so jealous of everything....especially her six year old brother. If he gets a piece of candy even and she does not she will make such a big deal about it. She blows things way out of proportion. I too have a sister in law like the one the person above was describing and I see that my daughter could be going that way to be that type of person and I want to stop it before it gets that far. Please let me know if you had any luck with your daughter and if so what helped? Or any other suggestions you may have. I have also started noticing small white lies now and then from her. She is very nosy also and wants to know everyones business to the point of going through my phone to see what I talk to people about. I do not want her to be the jealous spiteful adult so I need to figure out how to make her change quickly.