adcouts's picture
adcouts

Violent 13yr old teen

I have a 13 yr old son who, when things dont go his way or he doesnt get his way he becomes angry and violent. walking away is not an option since there is another small child in the home. he throws things, screams, yells swear words, says i hate him, i never wanted him. he has been in counseling (1st for 8 mnths) (now for a few weeks) he has seen a doctor who says he has defiant disorder (simply put he needs behavior modification). Last nite was the first time it got so out of control that he hit me, I sent him to his fathers (which is not a place for him to be). I have ran out of options what can i do.



susanc's picture
susanc

This is a tough situation for all of you. When your son hit you, he crossed a line. He needs help Now! You can apply to have a court appointed advocate work with your son. These are trained people that will help to modify his behavior.He will be given a set of rules that he will have to follow. There are consequences if he does not. example... community service or school on the weekends. These programs work best with younger teens, they are hesitant to work with older teens, as they will be charged as an adult. The best way to start is to contact your local police station. Ask to speak with an officer regarding your teen. They can advise you on how to proceed with  an advocate. Second, this kid needs to be medically evalutated.There may be a medical problem other than the o.d.d. Please do not wait.At 13, you have a good chance  of getting this under control. Things will probably get better in the next few days, but a 13 year old who's anger is to the point of hitting you needs help now. Also remember you have another child watching everything.I'm sure you are very upsets with all of this, but take a deep breathe, and just asks  around about some of the things I have mentioned. No one has a perfect child, and some are more of a challenge, you are going to have some tough times in front of you, but I'm sure your son is worth it! I'll say a prayer for you tonight. good luck.

adcouts's picture
adcouts

Thank you for replying so quickly. I have tried everything that is available to me. The court will not do anything until he is involved in a crime (which puts him the juvenile system). He was placed in a facility in 10-2006 for evaluation. He was diagnosed with Bipolar, I took him to private pscy. for med management, at which point i was told he was misdiagnosed. He is currently seeing a pschyologist which stated the same thing he was misdiagnosed. The places that are available for him to go to wont take him because he is violent. The worse part of all of this is that I love my son very much, I know he needs help, but when I have searched for help, there isnt any. It all boils down to I need to inforce the rules more, that is what I have been told over and over again. I tried to inforce the rules and this time I got hit. Next time it will be worse.I know this and so does everyone in this family that has tried to help. I sent him to his fathers, because there is no one else to take him. That family blames me for all of this. He is hurt, not me, not my other child, or my parents who were here when it all happened. I was told by a therapist that I spoke to that all the counseling in the world will not help unless he chooses to change the way he is. I can get him meds, but that will not control him. He has to want to be different. I even went so far as to call a youth director at a local church for help, thinking that if he was around kids his own age, in a church environment, that his attitude would change towards me. That was to start this Sunday. I set rules and he breaks them, thats how it works. I dont get to say no or punish him, when I do he lashes out, he does this until i just break and give in for fear he will hurt me or the other child. This time I didnt and I did get hurt. So what do you do then?

susanc's picture
susanc

Please check again with the courts. There are  teen advocate programs that enforce certain behavior. I am not speaking about putting him in juvenile hall.The kids reffer to it as "Being on Papers".It really sounds as if this kid is controlling you.You mentioned your family has tried to help.Is there any way they can get more involved in the discipline? What does he like to do ? Where does he get money?I would explain to him he can have food, clothes and a roof over his head, until the behavior changes, Does he have problems in school? Get the principle and guidance conselor invovled. Let them be the "bad guys" in laying some rules down. Do you know of someone that can mentor this kid? Maybe someone at your church can take this kid under their wings, give him some attention, and possibly find out what is going on. How does the "guilt approach " work with him ? Can you explain how his behavior is affecting the younger child? I really am concerned about you, I'll keep thinking of ideas. maybe someone else has an opinion.

Pamela1129's picture
Pamela1129

I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble you're having with your son.  I agree that he may need counseling, but I worry about putting a child that young into the juvenile system.  Sometimes they come out worse than when they went in.  

You're right when you say that consistency in discipline is important.  Children need to know that they can count on your boundaries.  Have you sat down with him when he's calm and you're calm to talk about his behavior?  Sometimes it's easier to come to an understanding when you're not in the heat of the moment.  I wish you all the best!

~Pamela Troeppl

adcouts's picture
adcouts

I spent most of the day yesterday talking with court social workers, his pshyciatrist says he needs to learn to accept that "NO" is something he will always here and he needs to deal with his anger better, the psyhcologist he is seeing said all he can do is keep seeing him. Talking to the child about his bad behavior is not an option even in a calm atmosphere he eventually gets angry because he doesnt want to "lectured". The younger child seems okay for now, it was very upsetting for him to watch everything that happened that nite. I have sent my 13 year old to his fathers for the time being (until they arrest dad on an open warrant for "domestic violence" probation revokation) The behavior my son exhibits is a learned behavior from his fathers, that doesnt carry on in my home and his dad and I seperated when the child was only a year old. As of yesterday, there is no options for me, continue thearapy and let him stay with dad. The problem is not that he doesnt get to go anywhere or do anything, he wants to be allowed to do those things regardless of his behavior "NO" is not an option. Enforcing set rules is not an option. He has no respect for me or anyone that is involved in this. The only thing his father is concerned about right now is making 25,000.00 of back child support go away. he wants me to sign papers stating he is taking care of the child now so that he can go to court and get it dropped. Hes not willing to help me get the child help and to be completely honest.....No one is at this point. hold him accountable for his actions (he hits you call the police and press charges), because of his age the DA here doesnt want to take him and if this keeps up Im going to have to deal with CPS, I have another child to take care of and this behavior is going to honestly cost me both of them. I cannot control my child and he says he hates me. that is the worst feeling i have ever felt i think, when he hit me and said I dont care.

susanc's picture
susanc

As far as I know you cannot sign any papers to have back child support dropped.You will be owed that money. I really hate to say this but your options are running out. you may need to consider reporting your sons behavior to the police. First, It may be enough to convince the courts your child needs help, and second, you need to keep records of every attempt you have made to get help for him.This is VERY important, if child protective services gets involved, you will want to have documentation from every doctor,school, or filed police report to show that you have been trying to deal with this situation.keep me informed, does anyone out there know more about the courts dealing with a 13 year old?

gail Hanson's picture
gail Hanson

this may sound weird, since he is behaving violently, but have you ever had him in martial arts?  The Sensei who taught my kids Karate made a big deal about the appropriate use of physical force.  And it may be that your son needs a male role model who really can take him down in a controlled setting, but who has his respect. 

Avbev's picture
Avbev

I feel for you in your desperate situation.  We have walked a similar path with our oldest son.  He was eventually correctly diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome after being misdiagnosed by many psychologists.(ADHD; ODD) The medications made him worse.  We have been taking him for neurofeedback for just over a year and the violence is now non-existent and he is off all medication,  I am thrilled and relieved to say.  

Take care.  You are a caring mother.

adcouts's picture
adcouts

Thank you all for all ur help and support. You are correct I am running out of options, I am keeping very good records of every attempt to get someone to help.

I contacted a local youth minister at a church and he said he was very willing to help me if I can get my son to come to the church to meet with him, I am going to try this (this will give him a positive male role model) the man is fairly young and has teens my sons age so that will help as well.

I am looking into a residential treatment facility for my son, they will keep him for approximately 45 days. this place is for behavioral modification and they have been talking with me for several days now. at this point the concern is to get him away from dad and to this place without any physical conflict, and we are working on that now.

I have dealt with CPS over this once before just last year and gave them the proof that he was this way, they came to my home once a month and disruppted it, and i had him in counseling the whole time, the only thing they were concerned with was i abusing him. kinda made me angry, but here they are the law.

I am hoping that the things I am doing right now are the right things to do and that soon this will all be a memory. I want him to grow up and look back on this and say man i was a turkey and my mom loved me so much that she fought until she got it right.

Thank you all for your support and I will give you an update as soon as Im able to give you one.

 

susanc's picture
susanc

I'm sure you know this already, but as long as you have sole custody of your son, your ex has no say in the matter.Also, if you decide to place him in a facility, there are transport agencies that come to the home and bring your son to the place he will be staying.Having a positive mentor for him sounds great, I hope it works out for the both of you.