T\'smom's picture
T\'smom

teenage daughter way too risky!!!

I have a 15yo dtr, who has been dating a 15yo boy for the last 5 months.  They are both great kids, very good students, involved in extracurricular activities and have lots of good friends.  My problem is, last night I let her have him over for dinner and a movie.  I thought this was the perfect set up for both of us--- they got to see each other, and I got the supervise.  My husband and I were on one couch, and her and her boyfriend were on the other couch.  We had the lamp on in the living instead of the ceiling light, apparently we were watching the movie too closely, because 3/4 of the way through the movie I look over at them and witness what I believe is his hand in her pants!!!!  I was in complete shock, I got up walked into the kitchen paced around for a few seconds went back into the living room looked at them again, and yep--- that is definately what was going on!!!  She had managed to grab the blanket off the back of the couch and was covered up leaning against him, he was sitting upright, completely casually--- except for his one hand was out of sight (under the blanket).  So---- I was not happy with the fact that they are doing more than I thought, but the part I don't know how to address is the fact that THEY were doing this in my living room with my husband and I sitting within feet of them!!!!!  So, right after I caught on as to what was going on, his cell phone rang (his parents calling aka: divine intervention)  as he fumbled for the phone and began talking to his dad, I  called my daughter's name, gave her a "what are doing!!!!?" look and told her to sit up and get out from under the blanket.  She did, he finished talking to his dad, they sat like "perfect" children through the remainder of the movie.  I could not bring myself to address this last night, I was upset, in shock, and truthfully have NO idea what to say.  If they are doing this in my living room right next to me and my HUSBAND, what the heck are they doing when I drop them off at the movies.  I was NO angel as a teen, I was in fact VERY daring and wild-- but NEVER, in front of my parents.  She is a very respectful to all adults, her teachers adore her, I hear daily what a good kid she is, but I am so very troubled by this, my stomach is in knots, I realize she is a teenager and things are going to be happening  -- but WOW---- any, any advice will be GREATLY appreciated. 



marge's picture
marge

I can imagine how upset you must be.  The worst thing a mom wants to hear is that her daughter is expirmenting sexually.  Unfortunately today they are starting earlier.  The best advise I could give you worked pretty good for me and my two daughters. Communicate, talk and listen. I explained to them that I understand they are curious and want to experience this wonderful feeling that  some of their friends are talking about.  I always let them know that I would never judge them if they wanted to talk to me about anything, and would always give them an honest answer.  I explained to them that their friends will sometimes not always tell the full truth about something, but I would.  With that being said make sure she knows you will not judge her for wanting to experience this.  Then, be the mom.  Explain to her that these acts are adults acts and along with them come adult consequences.  And if she is willing to experience these adult acts then she will have to be prepared to accept any consequences that may result. I remember explaining to my daughters that there are two different types of relationships, emotional and physical.  Both can be very wonderful.  Explain the difference.  Give her some wisdom to make good choices.  My husband and I have three children all in their 20's now, and we still ask for respect in our home when they visit with their friends.  Children should always respect their parents no matter what age the children are. 

good luck,

Marge

BobMeadows's picture
BobMeadows

T’s Mom,

I think you were right not to address the issue when you were angry or upset. That normally inserts an irrational component into the discussion which more often than not leads to shouting and stuff.

 

The only thing I would add to the excellent comments made by Marge would be that it is ok, and I feel important, for a parent to have, and state expectations of children. I have read a couple of studies which indicate parental expectation can strongly influence children’s decisions. The concept of boundaries is important too. So many people, Marge included, know children will experiment, and push the envelope. This, of course, means that there is an envelope, a boundary, which has been defined by someone(?).

 

I agree that kids will experiment with stuff. The problem is, kids often think they have figured out all the answers before they are privy to the right questions. If your daughter is as smart as you think, she will be able to take into account your experience and wisdom while she is trying to figure it all out. But, if she doesn’t know where you stand (values) and what you wish for her (expectations), you are leaving her out on a limb.

 

Differentiate between judging your daughter and helping her judge herself. I am confused as to why they felt it was ok to run the experiment in public (in the presence of others).  You must to talk to her about expectations you have, which she should cultivate for herself. Publicly, there is a big difference between holding hands and holding glands!

 

Finally, talking with her is the important part of your counsel (preceded only by your example). In doing so, you need to mostly listen, but, don’t be timid about calmly stating your views. Don't preach! The biggest enemy of hearing is judgmental volume.

 

Some parents have trouble at the end of conversations. A good line to end with is, “Thank you for talking with me about this, it’s important. Give it some thought, and let’s talk again later.”

 

Showing respect and the expectation of additional discussion will reduce pressure, set a good example, and allow time for the bubbling-up of understanding.

 

Lots of luck!

 

DaMoKi Bob

T\'smom's picture
T\'smom

Good stuff!   Thanks!

T\'smom's picture
T\'smom

Thanks for your suggestions.  We are going to have a talk, we have had several, they have always gone well,  I have even addressed the issue of acting inappropriatley in public, and she has said "Don't worry, I would not do that".  I assume she thinks they were being very sneaky, and that it is their little secret.  Ugh---- being the kid is way more fun, than being the parent.