mommy50's picture
mommy50

teenage daughter and mom conflicts

Whenever my 16 year old daughter and I disagree, my husband interferes and he tends to side with his daughter. He says if he doesn't she will carry through on her threats to leave which she has done a few times mostly for the day but sometimes overnight. She is smart enough to go where she is safe and not on the street, thank goodness. Whenever I talk to my daugher, she will not take my advice and will usually scream at me so it seems like she wants an argument so she can use that as an excuse to leave. I try to talk with her but she won't have anything to do with it.



rhonnie's picture
rhonnie

I thought I was alone. Reading what you wrote, I somewhat feel comforted. My daughter doesn't like to hear anything I have to say. She doesn't talk she screams. It really upsets me because I'm trying to stay calm and rational. When I engage in the screaming, she feels justified and calls me "psycho mom".
My daughter is starting college this fall and her screaming has lessened. Thank Goodness! There is hope.

Momofasixteenyearold's picture
Momofasixteenyearold

I'm a single mom and have two girls. The oldest is 19 and doing wonderful, the youngest is 16 and hates me. I remember going through a brief period with the oldest but nothing like this time. Their father is only around when he wants to be and lately he has seen her more than usual. A day here and there. He is finally getting a taste of what I have tried to get him to help me with, according to my oldest. My sixteen year old, just a few minutes ago, asked my where the jelly was, yes this is the second time I forgot it, however she looked at me and yelled it's been over a ??? week and you still haven't gotten it. You haven't gotten the ??? jelly yet. It's unreal and I really can't take it anymore. I have tried talking, avoiding her and nothing works. I have scheduled her with an appointment to talk with a therapist for next week because I don't know what else to do. I cry, I get angry, sometimes I have to leave the house I can't take it. I have had to seek therapy for this. She is so mean and hateful to me, I really thinks she hates me and she even treats her sister with disrespect. She cuses me out, I try to take her phone she says my Dad paid for that, well I pay the phone bill. She's constantly yelling out me, I can ask her if she wants something to eat or drink and she will yell. Why is it this way, I give her independence, space, I love her and tell her often but she doesn't want anything to do with me unless she want's something, so I have even taken her want's and not given her her way. I'm desperate, someone please help me, oh and yes, she is an excellent honor role student and made varsity fastpitch this past season, she pitches and plays first base, she is a wonderful kid but not with me?

mosterloh's picture
mosterloh

well at least your daughter excels in school and sports, mine is struggling to catch up with her senior class to make up for all the classes she failed hanging around with other delinquents as a sophmore and junior. i completely relate to the constant yelling and demanding and demeaning tone of voice. my 17 yr old cannot speak to me without being sarcastic, rude, swearing or yelling. about *everything*. i have had it with the verbal abuse because that is what it is. i won't post her whole life story but suffice to say, she hasn't had a perfect childhood but she's had a lot of privileges and love and support and a mom who is there for her every single day of her life, yet all she does is berate me and blame me for being "f----ed up" because I've been a "terrible mother". Huh? Oh and her friends parents and her teachers just adore her. She clearly doesn't cuss and yell at them every second over every little thing (such as, you mentioned, groceries). I always say, pleaes put it on the grocery list if you want it. She never does. Then she rudely complains that we never have XYZ food. So I buy X food. Why didn't I get the Y food? "There's nothing to eat in this freakin house!" You get the picture. It is dumbfounding. I wouldn't have beleived another parent was experiencing this too if I had not read your post!

hermine's picture
hermine

Are you sure that is not my daughter living at your houses? I have a 16 year old, same thing. Never really giving me an ounce of trouble, although not an honor roll student, she is passing with average grades with plans to attend college and "escape this hell she is living in." Dad is not in the picture, an alcoholic she has not seen for about 6 months. Now she talks backs, sarcasm, yelling, has even called me a few names, complained about the food, etc. I know nothing, I am stupid. I, too, am strongly considering a few therapy sessions for (hopefully) the both of us, for better communication. As you say, a switch was flipped and along came an alien instead of my daughter. I can remember being her age, but I know I did not treat my parents the way they are treating us. It is a great relief to know that I am not alone. I am just taking it day by day, choosing my battles so I do not get stressed out by her behavior. I no longer tolerate some things to a certain point, then she is grounded, or something is taken away. Reading others that were in the same position, most of the time things get better with age. Good luck to all of us.

backseatmom's picture
backseatmom

Please take no offense to this but YOU NEED TO TAKE CONTROL BACK...It works

First - Take everything away. and I mean EVERYTHING...The only thing you give them is a mattress on the floor. With a blanket and a pillow of course.Back in the day they didn't have the crap they have now. So it aint going to kill them now not having it..CELL PHONE , cable tv, dvd players, IPODS, ect.ect...I hope your getting the point...

Second TAKE all but three outfits from them..They only need three to wear..I know your thinking Im being mean but listen..
OH and one pair of shoes....

Third- START ACTING LIKE PARENTS....
Parents make mistakes by giving their children everthing they want or everthing they didn't have when they were growing up..MISTAKE!!!!!!Your letting your children be the parent and you are being the kid...Enough is enough... Yes i do have a teenage daughter and I have done this on more than one occation..

If your child wants their stuff back they have to EARN IT...There is now law stating we have to allow our children to walk all over us and get a way with it...women are tougher than men...we have back bones..If your child doesn't want to earn her stuff back then its a choice on her part. You need to teach them for every choice they make they also have to deal with the out come. Weather it's a good or bad...
If we were to talk to our bosses the way children talk to parents DO YOU THINK WE WOULD HAVE A JOB?,,,I think not. SO why is it okay to keep giving a paycheck to our children if they do not respect us or don't follow the rules or earn it. Parents keep rewarding the children when they don't deserve a reward..For instant look at it this way...You and your child scream at each other over food. Then later you and her run to the store and she sees a shirt she likes you buy it for her...whats that teaching her...Start looking outside the box instead of inside the box..All your doing is looking at the same white walls and doing nothing but encouraging them to keep acting the way they want to...
We as parents are responsible for the teaching of our children and how they grow up. We need to take back the right to parent our children...They are growing up way to fast and not in a good way either.
It's not going to be easy but is it really going to make it any harder to deal with then what your dealing with now...I don't think so...What do you have to loose in which you haven't lost already....

Lolalee's picture
Lolalee

I do this also but find it very hard because I have 5 other children and there are 2 in a room. It does work but it doesn't end the tirades! We are having sneaking out problems now and this I don't know what to do about. If anyone can help with this I'm open for advice!

2xstepmom's picture
2xstepmom

Had this issue with my ex-stepdaughter. Nailed the bedroom window shut, put locks on front and back doors that required a key to open from the inside, rewarded the other 4 children for telling us if they heard about or knew there was a plan to sneak out, monitored and strictly limited phone calls, told the parents of all her friends about the issue so they were in the loop, told her therapist so the issue was addressed in therapy. We became hyper-vigilant, watched her every move. This was 15 years ago so we did not have cell phone or internet to restrict, but would prohibit access to either. The up side was that the other children saw what she put our family through, and never even tried to sneak out. Doing all this is a lot of work but is worth it in the long run. Good luck!

backseatmom's picture
backseatmom

What you need to do is invest in an alarm or if you cant afford that get some electical fencsing..Wrap it around her window and any other that you think she might try to sneak out of. Hell the hole house. Make it so you can only plugs into your outlet in your room and when you go to sleep or go to your room. PLUG IT IN. She will get a shock of her life but it wont hurt her . Just enough to let her know you mean business. But dont tell her or let her know where the switch is at. It works too.

MEANMOM's picture
MEANMOM

Must be the age??? My daughter is hateful and disrespectful as well but she does not cuss at me...at least where I can hear it.She did once and I held her down and grinded a bar of soap accross her teeth...(she would not open her mouth).I am not letting her get her license either but that is mostly cuz she has 3 F's be thankful your kids are makin decent grades...I have found if I dont get loud and mouthy back it helps just walk away..I have stopped doing her laundry and well I cant wait for 2 years to pass til she is 18. My daughter does not have a cell ..I give her one on her b-day every year but every year she gets it taken away...I have recently disabled all the phone jacks in the house except my room and I put a lock on my door..she has been talkin nicer to me lately cuz she is only allowd to go somewhere once a week and I will not drive her anywhere unless she asks nicely...I cant begin to cover the screamin the lying and all the sneaking she has done..I feel so grounded with her and I want to beat her up but I am not 16..and that would not be appropriate..I will never give up on her as much as she would love to get emancipated and out of my house..and taken everything away does work they appreciate it when they get it back...but it takes time for them to appreciate what they have had taken away....