blkeyesus's picture
blkeyesus

teen daughter does not communicate and is lying

I am struggling with my 17 yr old who has been grounded about 6 or more times over the last 8 months because she gets caught lying to be with a boy.  This boy dropped out of high school and went a drug/alcohol school, has no job, had his driver's license taken away, lies, etc... He bothered another girl about 4 years ago and almost got a restraining order.  At first, we tried to tell her not to see him.  That did not work.  Finally, about three months ago we took her to counseling & decided that she was allowed to see him on our terms -- he had to follow our house rules (he needed to come to the house, with our curfew, etc.)  She agreed -- but just last week she lied to us about where she was staying for the night & she was with him.  Now she is grounded AGAIN (the only time in her whole life she has been grounded is because she does not say no to this boy and has been the only time she lies to us).

Last time, her consequences were that she has no cell phone, no computer use, no car, and cannot go out for 2 weeks.   Now, it is longer & we have set more severe consequences if the lies do not stop.  The problem is not that she is seeing him, but she is lying about it. Also, now she is totally not talking to us and barely to the counselor -- she just sits there and does not talk at all.  She does not tell us what she expects or does not say ANYTHING.  She just goes along with the punishment with a blank stare.

I am worried that there is something deeper going on.  Please help me to know how to get her to communicate so we can deal with this issue.  Thanks

S



Sister83's picture
Sister83

I don't mean to be harsh (and everyone deserves a second chance at least), but on paper, this boy is a loser. I think you need to concentrate on building your daughter's self-esteem and talking to her about her taste in boys. There are ways to do this that don't seem like you are being mean or snobbish... but you really need to instill in your daughter that she can do better.

What does she think she has in common with someone like this boy? What type of future and relationship can they have? Does she want to go to college? She shouldn't be bogged down with this kid and all his issues. You need to get her to think about her life, and what direction she sees herself going, setting goals, etc.

I think this is a much bigger problem than the lying and staying overnight, especially b/c in less than a year, she won't have to answer to you at all. A lot of girls establish this pattern of dating boys that are "beneath them" (for lack of a better term). That's what I think you should focus on.

momofteens's picture
momofteens

This boy is meeting some need your daughter has, may be through the counselling process you all can find out. In the mean time understand that consequences if too severe can lose meaning. For example no cell phone for a month, cannot be properly monitored, she may make phone calls at school or using a friend's cell phone, so she could just wait you out. Talk to your daughter about the consequences of her poor choices and the long term effect it can have on her life. Do this when the atmosphere is calm, no yelling, judging or questions. She may be feeling misunderstood, reassure her that you are there for her when she is ready to talk, however your role as her mother is to guide and protect her.
Good luck!

suewes's picture
suewes

Going through very similar and we have discussed this with her (future etc) and it still does not seem to get through/sink in.....
she just doesnt care. and had said as much... she went to 3 sessions of counselling - and it 'ended' and she doesnt want to go back....

jimrich's picture
jimrich

blkeyesus
re: now she is totally not talking to us and barely to the counselor -- she just sits there and does not talk at all.
>> I'd find a better counselor!
good luck
jim

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Jim, maybe you should also find a better counselor. I think you may actually like playing the "victim" role. I think you like the attention you get from it. Your posts are actually starting to make me laugh.

jimrich's picture
jimrich

Sister83
re: I think you need to concentrate on building your daughter's self-esteem...There are ways to do this that don't seem like you are being mean or snobbish...
>> Please give us some examples of how to do this or perhaps a link to the information. thanks.

re: A lot of girls establish this pattern of dating boys that are "beneath them" (for lack of a better term).
>> How and why? What makes a girl do that? Exactly how can a parent influence their kid's choices?
thanks for your response,
jim

jimrich's picture
jimrich

suewes
re: Going through very similar and we have discussed this with her (future etc) and it still does not seem to get through/sink in.....

>> Please do not take this as an attack, but, perhaps you need to re-evaluate your communication techniques and skills to reach a better understanding between you and your child. There are a lot of subtle skills involved in getting to deeper issues and breaking through emotional defenses to find the underlying truths. Many of us do not know how to examine or express our deepest and most vulnerable feelings, especially under stress. Just a thought.....
re: I am worried that there is something deeper going on. Please help me to know how to get her to communicate so we can deal with this issue.
>> try:
http://parentingteens.about.com/od/parentingclasses/a/communicate1.htm

good luck,
jim

jimrich's picture
jimrich

blkeyesus

Not to be vain, but may I refer you to my article about lying as it relates to my own experience?

http://forums.familyeducation.com/discuss/raising-teens/lying-stealing-a...

also check out this resource for ideas and solutions:
http://parentingteens.about.com/sitesearch.htm?q=lying&SUName=parentingt...

good luck,
jim

jimrich's picture
jimrich

SnglDad
Ask Host Marti to add an “ignore member” button to this forum.
It works real well at similar forums.
good luck,
jim

SnglDad's picture
SnglDad

Jim, you have all kinds of “advice” to solve everyone else’s problems, have you solved any of your own recently? Just curious. Good luck.