Farootfeet's picture
Farootfeet

Sex at 14

Hello,

My 14 yr old son just informed me that he is no longer a virgin.  I was so surprised at how candid he was in sharing his experience.  I, of course was crushed; I wasn't ready for this information.  But then again, what parent is.  I have had countless conversations with my son explaining the consequences that could occur and also letting him know that I was available if he had any questions or concerns.  I wasn't prepared that he would come to me AFTER the fact.  My son confessed that it happened afterschool, at his girlfriend's house, her parents were at work of course.  Now, I am so paranoid to leave him home alone longer than 10 minutes.  I don't know what I should do next.  Do I tell her parents?  He told me that he used protection, but I made it a point to advise him that condoms weren't foolproof.  Of course there is the common misnomer that we are both virgins, and in love so there is no chance of sexually tranmitted diseases.  I am reluctant to contact her parents as her father already threatened my son if he continued to see her. 



gail's picture
gail

Flip it around. If the girl had told her parents, and they withheld that information from you, would that be okay with you? Not a judgment, just a question.

rockdoc's picture
rockdoc

You probably need to consult a lawyer before talking to her parents. You and your son need to understand your liabilities/responsibilities if she becomes pregnant (get a paternity test), tests positive for an std, or comes forward with an assault charge (possibly with parental encourgement). He has done something very serious, despite its more common occurrance these days. He should be told just how serious by another adult (lawyer, clergy, etc). He should not attempt to see this girl alone again because that will put him in more legal and physical danger.

Then you can consider informing them, keeping in mind that the girl may have been active before. If you decide to tell them, I would suggest you seek a way with as little contact as possible. A letter might be best, as they can think about it first before responding. If you share friends or have clergy or anyone else who could mediate, that would be good.

tamz's picture
tamz

I completely agree with PART of rockdoc's post. she/he is so right about... "He should be told just how serious by another adult (lawyer, clergy, etc)." and also..."You and your son need to understand your liabilities/responsibilities if she becomes pregnant, tests positive for an std, or comes forward with an assault charge."

However, I do not think you should tell the girls parents. If you think they should know, encourage the girl to tell them.<-- just an opinion

mom27's picture
mom27

Hello,

this is my first look at the message boards and having a 14 year old FAS daughter this caught my attention. I understand how shocked you must have felt, and although I naively believe that my children would never do such a thing, it has to be hard. I feel that the first discussion you have needs to be with your son and partner if you have one. If your son feels that he is old enough to have sex at his age, then he should also be old enough to learn all the consequences and take responsibility for his actions. This may be where you will have some challenges, but I believe sitting down with not only your son, but his girlfriend as well will make it clear that you are open to discussing this type of information. As your son will be the one that has to step up to the plate should she become pregnant, make sure for yourself that she is protected. If her parents are not approachable, at least be there for her as well. this may sound like I am condoning what has happened, far from it, but you can't change it now. Flipping out will only have your son start to hide things from you. Explain to him that you are glad he came to you, but disappointed that he wouldn't come before he made this big decision. with the internet available, have him look up the laws in your area as well as other resources he may need. In short, praise him for telling you, and then help him be responsible about what to do now.... you can't change the past, but you can learn from it.

rockdoc's picture
rockdoc

Rockdoc again - I cannot agree with the last post. This mom has no legal right to talk to someone else's daughter. While it seems a nice supportive idea, it could get the mom sent to jail if an assault charge is lodged as she could then be viewed as an accessory after the fact. If these two kids manage to get together again, then its before and after the fact.

Mom needs to see a lawyer. Leave the girl alone, this is her parent's issue unless she becomes becomes pregnant, when the mother will be the spokezman for her son's parental rights and responsibilities. IF a contact is made, it should be to the parents only and very carefully.

tamz's picture
tamz

Yes, Rockdoc has a point... Talking with the girl could cause more than one problem... It could even make your son very angry and you could damage the open dialog you currently have with him.

Just deal with your kid and leave the other family to do the same.

nestley's picture
nestley

Ok I do not think you should talk to the parents of the girl or the girl. I think you should put him in a class that explains all the ins and outs of sexual behavior between a boy and girl! The class is called Teen Talk for Boys it’s at St.Josephs Hosp. there is a Part 1 and Part 2 the Part 2 is about sexual contact, STD, Pregnancy ect! There is also a teen talk for girl’s part 1 and 2. Explain that your glad he trusts you and that you love him I don’t think you should get an attorney they are both under age so he would not go to jail maybe go on line and show your son that girls at 13 and up can get pregnant!

bittersweet's picture
bittersweet

I think my kids are scared to death of sex, especially the oldest! In my opinion there's nothing that can really be done at this point, the deed is done. I would have some serious conversations with my son about child support, sti's and pregnancy although I know that's hard at this age because they already "know everything". And... none of that bad stuff would EVER happen to them. Still, repetition is the key in my opinion. Show pictures, get out the support calculator. If you worked at McDonalds flipping burgers at $$$ per hour here is what your monthly support payment would be.

OR even better, maybe he would get the child to raise and then he would be responsible for taking it everywhere, paying for everything, changing diapers, etc. My kids all know that if they get pregnant they're movin out and supporting it on their own!

Maybe not very supportive of their feelings but hey it's not very supportive of mine to make a baby and expect ME to care and pay for it!

thelightinglady's picture
thelightinglady

Clearly you have earned the trust of your son. Job well done. It's not uncommon for kids to have lost their virginity at this age. If I were in your space, and I have been, continue to keep the communication lines open and provide them access to proper protection. Whatever you do, do not talk to the girl's parents. This is not your job. Keep your own side of the street clean by keeping your son well-stocked in condoms and foam. The decision has been made - and it wasn't yours to make. You can just help ensure it remains responsible.

lv43@3's picture
lv43@3

my 14 year old daughter just told me she has been having sex with 16year old. i called the police didnt know what else to do they say i cant do a thing that she has rights as a child any advice