MOMSN's picture

Obsessed with Daughters Relationship

I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter (almost 16) who is very independent and the total opposite of me when it comes to self confidence. She is very sure of herself and doesn't seem to have a problem telling people exactly what she thinks.

At the end of the school year she met a young man (16) with whom she began a relationship immediately. She was going away for the summer but spent every waking minute with him until she left. The day we put her on the bus to camp, it was devastating for me and later found out was for him as well. He came back to our house and sat and cried because he was going to miss her so much.

During the summer, I went to visit my daughter and took him with me. We got along very well and developed a healthy adult/teen relationship. He was from a single family and didn't have much in life. Since we are fairly wealthy, I didnt seem to think that it would hurt to provide for him while he was with our family. He would go on weekend trips with us, spend most of his free time at our house and cottage as well.

During the time that they dated, he respected her fully. I could tell he was very much in love with her but to this day don't really know how she felt about him.

Suddenly out of nowhere this past February she broke up with him. She seemed confident that this was what she wanted to do but I was devastated. It has been almost two months and she will barely speak to him let alone look at him.

I became very close to this child and treated him as one of my own and this breakup has devastated me. I have tried searching on the web to see if anyone else has run into the same problem as I have. I am depressed, often cry and just seem to feel like I have lost a child.

I try so hard to convince her to give him another chance but she won't. She says she does not like him anymore and has no interest in dating him again.

The whole time they were together nothing took place other than a kiss goodnight or a peck or two when they were joking around. They told each other they loved one another every day and seemed to mean it.

He was devastated when they broke up and tried a few times to get a second chance but she said no way so he gave up.

He has since moved on, not with another girl, but has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with her anymore either but I am obsessed with trying to get them back together.

Its gotten so bad that I sign onto her msn and speak to him as if I'm her just to try and patch things up in hopes that one day they will get back together. I know this is crazy but I am so obsessed with trying to get them back together than it is ruining my life.

I can't sleep, am severely depressed and have even gone to see a psychiatrist but have never told him the truth behind my depression. I have suffered from it in the past and was on medication in the past but had not taken it until again until this happened. I now am taking anti-depressants which don't work and need sleeping pills just to go to bed so my mind won't race.

I think I'm going crazy and need advice on what to do about this. Please don't think that I am in love with this child as it is nothing like that. I just felt I could make a large impact in his life and was so happy to see someone who actually appreciated the things that others take for granted.

No one knows how I feel but I'm ready to explode. I often feel like I would like to just run away or go for some intense brain therapy if there is something like that to get this obsession out of my head.

Has anyone else been in this predicament before, and if so, could you please tell me if this is going to go away or how you dealt with it.

Thanks so much!

2xstepmom's picture

Great advice!

mayamay's picture

I think that acknowledging problems is a great first step. What are you thinking about doing so that you can change from this slightly nutty behavior to being a better mom for your daughter?

2xstepmom's picture

You are right, your 13 y/o is way too young to be dating. She is doing what she should be doing at 13, talking to boys. You should consider getting help to work through your grief and allow your daughter to live her own life, without this interference from you. You do not want her to feel the same guilt about her past relationships when she is older.

ILMOM's picture

Well I'm glad I found this site because, I too, am hearbroken over my daughter and her boyfriend breaking up. He initiated the breakup after they had been discussing doing so on and off after she had to move home for school. They shared an apartment for a year and had been dating for 2 years but knew each other before that. They didn't get to spend a lot of time together after she moved out because of school/work and he's also in a band. I think all of this contributed to the break-up. I had a connection with this boy that I cannot break. Even my cranky husband liked him. He went on a couple of vacations with us and visited often and I cared about him like he was my son. The day they broke up he came to our house and it was so emotional - he gave me this big hug and thanked me for everything but he was crying. My daughter was devastated and for 2 weeks she barely ate and lost weight but finally recovered after talking to a school counselor. (He was her first serious relationship.) They had talked on and off a couple of times in the month or so after and she had seen him because they have mutual friends and whenever he did, he'd always sit right next to her, etc. Since then, he said he realized he made a huge mistake and had been trying to win my daughter back for 5 months. He also said he wanted "his family" back. My daughter really wants to maintain a friendship with him and she told me she'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all but he isn't able to to do that right now. She started seeing someone else about six weeks after the breakup and he's nice and treats her well but this new guy is a much different personality than the former boyfriend and I don't see the same connection between them. I don't feel like there's any passion - it's like they're too similar or something. With her former boyfriend, they seemed so right for each other and would always be giggling together and he was very affectionate and protective of her. They did have squabbles now and then but it was never anything huge. The relationship had passion which this new one does not. The new guy is passive in comparison and I actually worry about her if they travel outside the country because I don't feel like he'd be able to protect her if something happened. Anyway, I do keep in touch with the former boyfriend via texting on occasion and he said he always wants to be friends which I'm happy about. I respect his privacy and don't contact him often but miss him so much. Honestly, he felt like he belonged in our lives. At one point, she had been texting back and forth with him, I think trying to maintain the friendship she wanted and confided to me that she had been thinking about trying it again with him (or at least that's what she told me). The former got upset with her because he isn't able to have a friendly relationship since he's still in love with her. Now they aren't talking again but I believe she still has feelings for him. I keep hoping she'll acknowledge these feelings at some point to determine for certain whether he is right for her or not.

jinghung's picture

I have done this before, once when my daughter was only 13 and I became obsessed with her being with this boy who was crazy about her. Now my daughter is 17, and just broke up with her boyfriend of almost 2 years. I really liked him , he was a family member and like a son, Part of me wanted this breakup because she is so young still and they were so serious. But now the thought of him with another girl is so hard to imagine. I think I cannot believe he would replace my daughter with some one else. I think we all want to see our kids loved and have some one who thinks they are great, etc. I can relate completely, and I too wish I could be more normal and not be so overwhelmed with this. I have a therapist and she is great, I always feel better after I see her but I slide back easily. Maybe if my daughter finds someone else who is great and she is happy I will feel better.

tryingtomom's picture

I have a 16 year old daughter that is in her first serious relationship. The problem is, she is still in the relationship and I have become obsessed with keeping them together. They have been dating about 6 months and this boy could not be sweeter and nicer to her. We really like him and his family. They have no problems at all between them, see each other at school and have fun when they are together. However, they spend more time texting each other than actually being together. They are both super busy with in school and after school activities and sometimes go weeks without being together (such as watching a movie, hanging out with friends) due to schedules. I know this is 100% perfectly normal for busy kids and I should be happy that they have sports and school interests, but I just worry non-stop (and I mean non stop) that they will break up from not actually being with each other. Other moms comment how lucky I am that the BF or GF is not constantly around for kids this young! I check our online cell phone accounts all the time to be sure they are still texting each other! I look at their Facebook walls everyday! I have gone nuts about this relationship and do not know what to do to stop. I am a college educated, happily married mom with a great life and great children!! When I ask my daughter about their relationship, she says they are perfectly happy and both understand that they are busy and get together when they can. If I suggest her boyfriend come over on an evening or day I know they are not busy, she gets very upset and says this is her relationship. I know I should let go (especially since both of them seem happy!), but I cannot get the thought of both of them out of my head. I am always looking at the calendar and suggesting dates to her when she could possibly see him instead of just texting him. I know this makes her very upset but I keep doing it. I guess I am so used to the old fashion way of actually "seeing each other" as the way to date and not 10 minutes at school each day and texting as the grounds of a relationship. Does anyone have any suggestions to clear my head of this? It has taken over my life and the ridiculous thing is..they are together!!! They are going to the Fall Ball at the high school in two weeks and both are excited and planning dinner here at my home before. Why do I feel I need to basically stalk this relationship and know everything that is going on and want to see this boy more with my daughter if he is her "boyfriend"??? Any help for a normally rational, fun-loving mom would be great. And yes, this is my oldest child and the first true "boyfriend" that has been around!

Helper's picture

I am going through nearly the same thing. I stumbled upon this site, looking to find out if other moms have this issue. I am so embarrassed about this, and I can't talk to anyone about it. My daughter's boyfriend recently broke up with her. He was a very nice young man, very respectful, and they were both only 14 years old. So it was very difficult for me to even let my daughter 'date' him. But after meeting his family, him, finding out we were from very similar backgrounds, all parents decided we would allow this. They always had chaperoned visits, and had rules that they had to follow....such as no kissing. They respected the rules. Well, I spent a lot of time with this young man and his family, and well, I am just devasted about the break up.

I want so badly to let it go, but it seems like I can't. They would text each other from the time they woke up until they went to bed. My daughter was so happy with this young man, but both would become extremely jeolous over other people...that was part of the problem. So, in a way the break up was a good thing, BUT, the young men then started dating another girl within 2 weeks of the breakup. This has really disappointed me, as they seemed to care for each other so much. My daughter is moving on, but I don't seem to be able to. I constantly check thier facebook pages to see if they are communicating at all...and they aren't. They were the best of friends before dating, and while they were dating. In fact, they were best friends for at least 4 months before they dated...So, I have been use to seeing my daughter text him all day long for nearly a year.

Now, it seems so quiet, and although she is texting to others, its simply not the same. Her face always lit up when she was texting this young man. It's hard for me to see the change in her behavior and agree with it.

It's weird, but I cried for nearly 3 days when she started dating the young man (because I didn't want her to, but knew she would probably do it behind my back anyway)...and NOW I have been sad, depressed, and crying since the breakup!!!

I became so attached to this young man, and how happy he made my daughter. I wonder, at times, if I am missing seeing that spark in my daughter or if I am mourning my own teenage years and past heartbreaks.

I do know this, I HATE the way I feel, and what I seem to becoming. I never thought that something like this would happen to me. I feel like I am grieving so badly.

This has got to stop. I really want to be normal and really want my life back! Help if you can!

momof15yroldgirl's picture

I am so glad I found this! I seem to be obsessed with my 15yr old daughter's relationship--just as others are with their daughter's.
This is her 1st "real" boyfriend and I really like him. He is perfect for her. She didnt even know who he was at school...he saw her and then just chased after her. She realized she liked him and now they are together.
He is very affectionate and complimentary to her etc..he even tells her he thinks he is falling in love with her. They have been together a month or so.
He was so into txtg her and talking to her constantly in the beginning. Now he seems like he doesnt want to as much. She worries about it and gets upset which in turn gets me upset. I check the phone log to see if he has contacted her or not daily. IT drieves me insane. I check his FBook as well. I feel stupid..but I dont want my daughter taken advantage of :/
I guess Im just so afraid of him hurting her and I try to advise her on what to do to keep him and not let him run over her at the same time. She gets mad at me at times. I dont want to impose my views on her and I want her to handle it herself...but its so hard to stand by and not say anything.
I just dont understand why he would be so overly attentive with the txtg/calling and then just back off so much??? I really like him and would be really upset myself if they broke up--as I know my daughter woudl be too.
Whats wrong with me and why do I care so much..I know others will like her. I jsut want her to be with him. I just feel he is a perfect fit for her.
What should I do from this point? How can I be the mom she needs and still help her with her realtionship if I cant stop obsessing??

inadaze's picture

Thank God. Thought I was only one. Daughter broke up w/great guy she dated sr. year. Would have been a year today but it was on again/off again when they left to attend different colleges last fall. Constant fighting. Long distance killed them. Tried to get back together over xmas but he broke it off after they went back. This is consuming me. Checking FB & phone logs several times a day. Making myself sick but can't stop. Both great kids & very passionate relationship. Maybe I am envious, idk. She is devastated but trying to stay busy/move on. I am not so lucky. Eating at me like a cancer. I hate what I am doing but can't stop. Get facebook updates whenever he makes new friend & it pains me. You would think I am the gf. Please help! I can't stand my own thoughts anymore!

mayamay's picture

That there are other people who have the same disorder as you do is probably comforting, but don't be tricked into thinking it is normal. It is not. If you can't re-direct your energy and attend to things that are more appropriate, you need to see a therapist. If it is an anxiety disorder, which is what it seems like to me, then psychologist' interventions have a high success rate.