MOMSN's picture

Obsessed with Daughters Relationship

I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter (almost 16) who is very independent and the total opposite of me when it comes to self confidence. She is very sure of herself and doesn't seem to have a problem telling people exactly what she thinks.

At the end of the school year she met a young man (16) with whom she began a relationship immediately. She was going away for the summer but spent every waking minute with him until she left. The day we put her on the bus to camp, it was devastating for me and later found out was for him as well. He came back to our house and sat and cried because he was going to miss her so much.

During the summer, I went to visit my daughter and took him with me. We got along very well and developed a healthy adult/teen relationship. He was from a single family and didn't have much in life. Since we are fairly wealthy, I didnt seem to think that it would hurt to provide for him while he was with our family. He would go on weekend trips with us, spend most of his free time at our house and cottage as well.

During the time that they dated, he respected her fully. I could tell he was very much in love with her but to this day don't really know how she felt about him.

Suddenly out of nowhere this past February she broke up with him. She seemed confident that this was what she wanted to do but I was devastated. It has been almost two months and she will barely speak to him let alone look at him.

I became very close to this child and treated him as one of my own and this breakup has devastated me. I have tried searching on the web to see if anyone else has run into the same problem as I have. I am depressed, often cry and just seem to feel like I have lost a child.

I try so hard to convince her to give him another chance but she won't. She says she does not like him anymore and has no interest in dating him again.

The whole time they were together nothing took place other than a kiss goodnight or a peck or two when they were joking around. They told each other they loved one another every day and seemed to mean it.

He was devastated when they broke up and tried a few times to get a second chance but she said no way so he gave up.

He has since moved on, not with another girl, but has made it quite clear that he wants nothing to do with her anymore either but I am obsessed with trying to get them back together.

Its gotten so bad that I sign onto her msn and speak to him as if I'm her just to try and patch things up in hopes that one day they will get back together. I know this is crazy but I am so obsessed with trying to get them back together than it is ruining my life.

I can't sleep, am severely depressed and have even gone to see a psychiatrist but have never told him the truth behind my depression. I have suffered from it in the past and was on medication in the past but had not taken it until again until this happened. I now am taking anti-depressants which don't work and need sleeping pills just to go to bed so my mind won't race.

I think I'm going crazy and need advice on what to do about this. Please don't think that I am in love with this child as it is nothing like that. I just felt I could make a large impact in his life and was so happy to see someone who actually appreciated the things that others take for granted.

No one knows how I feel but I'm ready to explode. I often feel like I would like to just run away or go for some intense brain therapy if there is something like that to get this obsession out of my head.

Has anyone else been in this predicament before, and if so, could you please tell me if this is going to go away or how you dealt with it.

Thanks so much!

mayamay's picture

The only thing I have experienced that is at all similar was when my best friend moved away. She and I had been young mothers together and had supported each other through some difficult times. When she moved 1000 miles away, I went through the classic stages of grief.

It sounds to me like you are stuck in the denial phase of grief.

Sometimes it is harder to go through the death of an ideal than it is to go through the death of a person. Realize that you are grieving the loss of this relationship. It is hard. I'm so sorry.

MOMSN's picture

Thank you so much for your perspective. I've often thought the same thing.

I am pushing everyone away because I am so embarrassed by what I am feeling. My own dad passed away in October and I didn't grieve near as much as this probably because I know his loss is permanent yet I can't let go of this one because of the fact I see the child every day on his way to school and my heart breaks when he waves with a half hearted smile.

I have another appt with someone next week but I don't even have the ability to tell him to what extent this has gotten.
Thank you again. I appreciate the fact that I can get this out of my system with people who don't know me although I know I am a good person with a kind heart but feel extremely confused and embarrassed like I said previously.

Sister83's picture

I'm sorry you are upset. I wish I had some advice to give. I think it is great that you are seeing someone, but you should tell your psychiatrist/counselor the real reason behind your grief. They won't be able to help you as effectively if you are not honest. I know it may be hard, but you only get out of therapy what you put into it.

mayamay's picture

Be aware that some counselors dismiss your assessment of what the problem is. Some have been trained that clients ALWAYS mask the problem at the initial visit. This was very frustrating for me. I had taken a child in for counseling about abandonment/attachment issues, and the counselor gave assignments that treated for another issue for over 6 weeks. At that time, I asked how this treatment was supposed to help in abandonment problems. The next appointment we were given another assignment. Upon our report at the following appointment, the counselor and I were both so satisfied with our progress that that was the last appointment. Six weeks were wasted because the counselor had been trained to disregard my opinion.

mayamay's picture

I was thinking about your situation. You may be focusing on your grief over the teenager's relationship in order to avoid processing your grief for your father's death.

2xstepmom's picture

Agree with Sister83 and mayamay. Discuss this with your therapist and work on processing your feelings over your father's death. It is likely once you do that, you will be able to put this situation with your daughter's ex b/f into perspective.

When my son and daughter were teens it was difficult at times for me to understand why they chose to cut off a previously very close relationship. I have remained close to a number of my children's ex boy and girl friends and their families, some I talk to often, though in a very up front manner. A good question might be why you feel the need to have your daughter and this young man "back together" and not just maintain a friendship with his family and him?

MOMSN's picture

I myself am trying to figure this all out as well. Yours is a great question. I would love to see them maintain a friendship but at this time I don't think it's possible between the two of them. She is a very strong young woman who like I noted previously says it like it is and he can't process that without being sarcastic back. She is at the point now where she just ignores him and is moving on wanting another bf just so he will be out of the picture. I think this may be because of me. She wants me to move on as well and realize he's not what she wants. I know this but it's just the voices in my head that keep telling me differently. I will be talking to my therapist on Monday so hopefully I will come clean and tell him what the real underlying factors are. Thanks for your advice.

2xstepmom's picture

You can maintain a friendship with his family and him without your daughter doing so. I talk to many of my childrens's former friends with whom my children no longer have any relationship. This young man is likely the first of many former friends of your daughter. You need to learn to deal with this in a healthy manner and allow your daughter to move on.

GirlsMom's picture

My daughter kind of did the same thing that you are talking about in your story. She had been dating a boy for almost a year when all of a sudden, she decided to break up with him. This happened very abruptly and out of the blue. Her reasoning was because she thought he became boring and was too much of a "homebody". This boy was from a less fortunate household and his family was not quite "all there". He was a lovely and a wonderful guy and treated my daughter like gold. I also kind of became his second mother because the one he had was a fruitcake and he was very embarrassed by her. Needless to say, my daughter's heart fell in love with another boy who was more exciting, outgoing, funny, and more of a match to her personality and tastes. The new BF is from a great family who's background is similar to ours and he is definitely not a "homebody". He treats my daughter well and I can see why she likes him. I do miss the other boyfriend that she had though. He was more connected to me as a parent than this new BF will ever be. All I can say is that I had to just let it go and look after my daughter first and the relationship that she has with this new BF. I do sometimes compare the two boys and I do miss the other boys ability to connect and speak to adults in a much better way than this current BF can. I just have to remember that this is my daughter's life, not mine, and if she is treated well, the boy is smart, trustworthy, polite, kind, and comes from a good background.....I need to keep my feelings and comments to myself until something goes wrong. You need to address this issue you are having about the former BF and you need to move on. Not only for your sake but also because your daughter needs that to take place as well.

concerned mom's picture
concerned mom

Wow, I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time w/ this situation. In all reality, however, I think you need to back off and stay out of it. Your daughter had her reason(s) for breaking up w/ this guy, and hopefully when she's ready to talk about it, she'll come to you. There will be other boyfriends. Your daughter is just a teenager. Do you really want her to only commit to this one relationship and not experience other relationships w/ different people? Give your daughter the opportunity to get out and socialize. Let her decide who she likes. As long as the guy is respectful and kind and your daughter is happy, you shld be happy too. I think more than this, you need to look into why you latch onto and get obsessed w/ such things. If you cld get to the root of the issue, then maybe you can better address it. Also, if you seek therapy, be honest w/ yourself and w/ the dr. If you're not honest, how can you expect to get help? Try to focus on being there to support your daughter, and also work on helping yourself overcome your grief. I wld stop conversating w/ the ex-BF b/c your misleading him and interfering w/ something that is over and done w/. Accept things for what they are and move on.